Matched (already?)!?!?!

[PenelopeB]

Hello friends,
My husband and I just returned from a vacation in Panama last Friday. Last night we got *the call*. Here is what I know, she is a 18 yr old college student who wants to be a vet, her boyfriend is in the picture and supporting her decisions, he is also a college student, 19 (he wants to be a doctor or teacher). Their parents know and are supportive. They are both in good health. The young woman says no exposure to drugs or alcohol during pregnancy. What she wrote about "why chose adoption" makes her sound really level-headed and mature. We will get the medical records by Friday. She claims that all is well and the baby is a girl. The only thing that is kind of strange is that she waited to contact the agency until her last trimester, she is due March 7th! That is less than 2 weeks.

HELP.

What should I ask? to the social worker? to the young woman? She indicated an interest in talking to us on the phone, so I'd like to do that.

We don't have much time, so I gotta figure out our steps now. I think we will accept the match, pending the medical records.

Is it customary to try to be at the hospital for the birth, or just sometimes afterward? She is half the country away from us.

What else should we be thinking about?

I didn't expect this so soon, so I'm totally unprepared. Yikes.

Thank you for your support and encouragement.

With love,
P

[bigdipper]

Wow, that's a lot to take in isn't it? Congratulations on the match. Don't worry about being unprepared. Though this is your first baby and you want everything lined up for their arrival, newborns don't need much and as many of us who were surprised with their babies arrival can attest to, a lot of shopping can be done in the first 48 hours.

First, yes absolutely talk to the bp's over the phone and hopefully that will lead to a face to face meeting, but understandably if she is out of state, you may not get to meet her until the birth.

You can ask the BM what her intentions are for the birth as far as you being there. It's entirely her and the BF's decision. But if I were you, (based on my experience) I would make a clear plan with them what is expected of you at the hospital as far as how present YOU want to be vs. how much they want you there. And understand that in the hight of emotions and hormones, things from that plan can change and not to take it personally. Level headed and mature but very scared and emotional post birth.

In your phone conversation with her/them, ask questions about their lives, not just about the baby. For several reasons. It will establish trust and will enable you to know some things about them to share with your child as they grow up. Very valuable.

It's going to be a whirlwind in the next few weeks. Just take a deep breath and one step at a time. Good luck and don't be afraid to keep the questions coming.

[M&M]

Omg!! That sounds fantastic!! Of course, you're unprepared, but there really isn't anyway tp prepare for that call. BigDipper answered most of your questions, so I'll be waiting to hear your update. Both of my kids came to us very, very last minute and you just make it work. Personally, I prefer it over a long wait. Congrats and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and checking in.

[Gigih]

I second what Bigdipper said and congrats to you! I think it is pretty common for bmoms to wait until the end of the pg to finally contact an agency. They are usually in denial of the pg and may not really accept what is happening until it is almost time. It sounds like a great match.

[pepper]

Sounds wonderful! Our son's birthmother contacted the agency in her 3rd tri also. We were matched 3 weeks before he was born, because the due date moved during that time and they decided to induce her at 38 weeks. So any day now, huh? You could protect yourselves by staying home until she delivers, UNLESS you think/they think she NEEDS you to be there so that she doesn't think she has to take the baby home, YKWIM? If she feels 100% comfortable with you and your ability to parent her baby, she should feel much better about her decision. I think you should continue to talk to the agency, try to talk to her, the bfather, and get a feel for the situation. If they decide to induce or she goes into labor, I think you should get on the next plane. Be there for her when she gives birth, if she wants you there, and be there for the baby too. Ask her questions about herself - small talk.

Good Luck!

[maj90]

Wow, congratulations!!
I agree with pepper. Talk to the agency, see if you can speak with her and hopefully she will let you know what she is comfortable with. If you can be there at the birth that would be wonderful but it is her decision. Try to let the agency help guide you all thru this. This is what they are there for.
I wouldn't worry about her coming to the agency late. I have a few friend's whose children were born before their Bmoms ever called the agencies.

I am very excited for you and will keep you in my prayers
Please keep us posted

[PenelopeB]

Thank you for the encouragement and support. At first, I was worrying that it was a bad sign that she (the BM) waited so long to contact the agency. I didn't realize that it waiting until the last minutes wasn't so uncommon. But it makes sense... Denial can be a lovely place. I'd move there if I could.

Okay. So, the birthmother and birthfather have requested a phone conversation with DH and I. We are so happy about that. It should happen either tonight or tomorrow night. Thanks for the ideas of what to talk about.

We won't be able to meet them until the birth, but that could be next week. We are just going to pack a couple of bags and get some baby stuff together so we can jump on a plane at a moment's notice. It would be great to be there at the birth, but we will have to just see how this all unfolds.

I've been told that we'll be in Missouri (where BM is) for up to 2 weeks waiting for the legal stuff to occur. Living in a hotel room with a newborn sounds like a really BAD thing.

Tips for the baby/hotel business? I'm hoping I don't need a bottle warmer. I just ordered a waterproof changing pad and a couple waterproof liners. Diapers and formula will wait.

Thanks!

[Gigih]

We had to stay in TN for ten days after the birth of our son. It was a little hard, but not impossible. Try to find a long-term stay hotel so you will have laundry on site and at least a small kitchen. You will not want to be going out much. I bought a small travel crib that is really more like a pop up kind of thing that I could pack in our luggage. We asked for two double beds and were able to put the baby on one bed (I slept with him pretty much most of the time. I have never warmed a bottle in my life. Ben has always been fine with room temp. Before you go, look up the location of Target/Walmart/BabysRUs in the area where you will be. It is a little rough being in the hotel, but the homecoming is so worth it!

[bigdipper]

Target has an Eddie Bauer Infant Travel Crib . Way smaller and easier to manage than a pack n play which is overkill for a newborn. The hospital will give you tons of sample formula, the ready mixed kind and you can always ask for more telling them you are staying in a hotel. We ended up with tons for both our kids. No need to heat up, just pop the top off and replace with a nipple. (but yes, make sure your hotel has a kitchenette in it)

I did not have to stay out of state with my babies so take this for what it's worth. But unless there are health restrictions on the baby, a newborn is totally portable the first few weeks. Get a carrier (like a sling or Bjorn) and go out as often as you like. They'll sleep anywhere and feeding isn't a problem. Just don't think you have to be chained to your hotel.

[Gigih]

That is the travel crib we had. It was wonderful; fit right in our suitcase. We used it for the first three months whenever we went to see family or friends. Ben's first meal in a restaurant was those first two weeks we were in TN. Unfortunately the weather was kind of cold for much else.

One more thing. Being away so long is hard, but it gives you some really wonderful alone time with your new little one. Once you get home it is a swarm of family and friends!