Can't seem to make other "mommy" friends outside of adoption circle...

[jayla]

My DH & I brought our dd home from Guatemala when she was 6 months old. She will turn 2 in a couple of weeks & is a beautiful, sweet & wonderful child. We had a wonderful adoption experience & began spending time in Guatemala with her when she was 11 weeks old. We made 3 trips down there & had a blast.

When we brought her home at 6 months I immediately joined a large neighborhood "mommy" group. It's a Yahoo email group & includes playgroup dates every week that's open to everyone on the email list. I was really gung ho at first. Excited that I would make fun new friends & we could have fun get togethers with our babies.

I've always made new friends very easily in past work situations, etc. I'm not overly sensitive & I'm not quick to think that people don't like me or anything. I am the only adoptive mom in this group & I am the oldest as I'm in my late 40's. I look really young for my age & I'm very active. A couple of the other moms are in their early 40's but the rest range from 20's to mid 30's for the most part.

A couple of my closest friends who don't even have kids are in their mid 30's so I didn't think I'd get snubbed just because I'm older.

After about 17 months of my experience with trying to form friendships with these other moms I feel like I'm having to face the facts that I am not going to make any friends through this. I can't help but think it's because I did not give birth to my dd.

Outside of the playgroups that are open to everyone there are lots & lots of other get togethers on the side that are not posted to the group as a whole. I'm never invited. The other day dd & I went to the nearby park at a time when nobody is usually there. I had lots of toys we were going to play with, etc.

There was a group of moms (most of whom I've met several times before) with their children who were about dd's age playing there & talking. I called out "hello" & dd & started to play with her toys. One of the moms came over & said Hi & explained that they were a little group that had been meeting once a week for over a year. I was in a very good mood that day & just said something like, Oh... that sounds like fun...

DD & I continued to play for about 1 1/2 hours & the group continued to talk & play near us about 30' away. At one point the same mom came over & offered us cookies that they were eating & I said, " Thank you so much, sure we'd love one..."
Then she said they'd formed this group because they all had gone to the same birth method class or something like that & they had that in common... Again I just smiled & said "Oh..."

There have been other instances where I've noticed that small, more personal groups have been formed & I've never been included.

I've gotten to the point where I've accepted the fact that I'm not really included in any meaningful "mommy" friendships in my neighborhood & that's okay. There is nothing I can do about it. I have many friends outside of "the motherhood thing." I just never would have thought I'd be unable to make friends with other women who were not "adoptive" moms. None of the adoptive moms I know live in my neighborhood, but they all are maintaining friendships with me.

Is this just how it is?

[gr8ful]

I am so sorry you are having this problem and just want to give you a big (((hug))) I am lucky to have met a few Mom's of toddlers in our immediate area (I found them by putting ad in our community news letter) that we get together with once in a while. For me personlly, I think it is the age thing. I am in my early 40's and I really have a hard time relating to Mom's younger than 30. Don't be too hard on yourself! Do you have any of those Toddler gyms in your area? I've thought about checking one of those out.

[Pebbles]

I know how you feel. I don't have any "mommy" friends. I tried the whole playgroup thing and got tired of being the only one who wasn't going on, and on , and on about her birthstory. I am lucky enough to have some good friends who don't live close by who have also dealt with IF or adoption so we speak each others language and just celebrate our kids. Thank god for One price long distance plans, I know how lonely it can be without someone close to talk to. Please join us here more often, I feel closer to the ladies on this bb then I do any of the moms in my area IRL.
I would love to see a picture of your beautiful DD.

[marg]

My first response to your post was no it's not an adoption thing, but I don't know. Personally that hasn't been my experience. We did have a playgroup in my last neighborhood but it fell apart after a few months. Neighborhood based groups tend to be rather cliquey (sp?) in my expereince. Have you tried joining some other groups?

Boy I could have written your first few paragraphs. I became a mom a month after I turned 39. Shortly after my 40th birthday I decided I was going crazy as a SAHM with only one other SAHM friend and decided I needed to meet people. I had recently joined a babysitting co-op at church and one of the other members mentionned that several of them had formed a playgroup about 6 months earlier.

The first get-together I went to it was obvious I was the oldest one there. And the only amom, though I didn't share that fact for some time. I'll admit I didn't have a lot in common with ladies in their late 20's and early- 30's other than the mommy thing. But I hung in there because my dd loved it.

I've now been part of this group for almost 3 years and have never been or felt excluded because I adopted. I've made some very good friends also. Yes I've had to sit through some L&D stories (I usually just leave the room or have a sudden urge to use the restroom) and seen heard lots of breastfeeding stories. It turns out that two of the other members are close to my age - but look years younger - and I talked a friend who is my age into joining.

Now several of my friends are members of playgroups they formed by contacting the ladies they went through childbirth class with.

I have found that as your children get older you hear fewer and fewer L&D stories and how your child joined your family is not an issue as much. Now my playgroup friends and I talk about preschool and what kindergartens our kids will attend.

[ojala]

I can relate, too. I think what it comes down to is this... there are people who get it and those who don't. One of my best friends is a woman who just gave birth to her fourth child, and she totally is on the same wavelength as me as far as being a mom goes- we speak the same language. It came about in different ways, but we are both moms. Then there are women who are really into the pregnancy experience and IMHO just don't have a lot of interest in a different path to motherhood i.e. adoption. And yes at times it feels like a snub. I can't be too harsh about it because to be honest it goes both ways, I am way more interested in hearing an adoption story than an L&D story! However we are in the minority. It helps me to think of it this way at times--it will make me more sensitive to my kids' feelings about adoption as they get older, sometimes it is not easy to be "different" while at the same time I wouldn't change one tiny detail about our family or how it came to be.

Jen

[jayla]

Thank you all so much for your replies...I knew you would understand. I guess for me, it probably is the combination of being older AND being the only adoptive mom. Maybe if I only had one of these "labels" & not the other, I would be more accepted by some of these women.

I feel very lucky & very happy most of the time, but sometimes I have kind of a bittersweet feeling when I'm reminded that I missed out on my own peers "mommy friendships" when they all had their babies years ago & now I'm missing out because my dd's peers have moms that simply don't see me as their peer. Or something like that.

The whole issue was brought home to me the other day when I began to wonder if I was making some of these women feel a little uncomfortable by simply being there alone with my dd playing "outside" but "nearby" their group.

I'd really gotten to the point where I had truly accepted the fact that I would remain an outsider but this was the first time I sensed that maybe they felt a little bad about me being just that.

Thanks for lending me your sympathetic ears!

[Lynda-PA]

Hi Jayla!
I just found my way over here! I'm usually on the IA bb, but have a little issue that I figured may be better posted for support over here. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I don't have many mommy friends either. We live in the Midwest outside of the main metropolitan area that's about 45 minutes away. I also tend to be a waaayyy older mom than most of the mom's I've met here that are in their 20's or very early 30's. I'm 40, but also am active and look younger than my age - so my one friend says. I found my one very very good friend at Kindermusik. There are a few other adoptive moms in the class after ours, but their girls are from China and my dd is from Russia. I tried to be friendly with one of them, but was snubbed - I don't know if maybe because my dd is actually very advanced and I think her dd is struggling with delays, particularly in language. But maybe she works other days - I don't know. Anyway, I thought I'd throw the Kindermusik idea out there. For me it turned out to be a great way to meet other moms who were a little older and more educated. If you want, I can send you a certificate for a free trial class - I sell products by a Kindermusik company and each one has a "coupon" attached so I have plenty of things I've bought for dd with coupons I'll never use....
Feel free to email me directly!
Hugs!
Lynda
luckyducky829@hotmail.com

[purplegirl]

Hi Jayla-DO you have a local moms club near you? You might have better luck meeting some adoptive moms. If you do have a moms
club join and get involved in committees or volunteering. They also have play groups. Don't give up Mary

[Lauriann in SD]

i have to admit that it can be hard sometimes. Most people don't know that Katrina is adopted since she looks like dh. Still, people who know seem to be, I don't know how to describe it--uninformed ? about adoption. I have friends who will say, oh my daughter is the same age as you and has 3 kids, but she did it the hard way. Like adopting isn't hard? I just politely told her that I did it the hard way too--- I was pregnant and waiting for my baby to be born for several years. There are others who have made comments and alot talk about their pregnancy and labor. I tend to now let most of those comments slide by me. I know that there is some adoption support groups in different cities. Here in our area, there is a few support groups for parents who have adopted or been touched by adoption.

One thing I did this past fall was to mention to our pastor that Nov is adoption awareness month. I had no idea they had adopted their oldest child. anyway, our church had a special menton about adoption and honoring those who have been touched by adoption. We had a potluck one evening and had a good turn out. It was nice to meet several other families whose lives have been touched by adoption.

[MLM]

I just went through a similar experience lately...I hope by sharing it will help. I was taking my girls for a walk and ran into a whole group of Moms and their kids in our neighborhood. (Many of their kids were my littlest dds age, and I was excited!) They are obviously all good friends. No one said Hello until I made a point to go over and speak to them. I introduced myself, and my two daughters. They told me their names, and then went back to talking amongst themselves as if I wasn't even there. They never said another word to me, and after standing there awkwardly, I eventually said Bye and walked away. It was so strange...

I really don't think that it is you, or it was me...sometimes people are just so wrapped up in themselves it is hard to step out of their comfort zone. SAD, but true...

I would recommend you look into a Moms Club. I was in one when my older dd was a baby/toddler...some of my best friends are from that group. It is usually more diverse, and is a bigger group of ladies. Different ages/races/etc...
Good Luck to you~