Hi there...

[Tanya T.]

Are there any people here lurking around??? This board is very slow...

I hope that everyone reading this is doing well... Take a minute to say hello if you can...

Hugs
Tanya

[hollym]

i'm here. just laying low.

period is 4 days late (never happens), but all tests are negative. what a pain.

things with hubby are better. but still working hard at this.

[MT_firegirl]

going ok here...supposed to hpt on friday, beta on monday of no AF, but NOT holding my breath on anything...I don't feel doodly squat...so pretty sure not pg. would be nice though....I did finally accept the fact that our 12 year anniversary is going to pass and we still will have no little feet in our home...well except the four legged kind. Been testing all month...progesterone, ovarian response, hormones, you name it...I feel like a human pin cushion, but maybe it will help us get a better idea of what might work.

Hope the rest of you are doing well. I agree that the board moves slowly, but it seems like there really are just a few of us long term gals and I guess we just don't get quite as uptight every month about ttc anymore..we're used to the letdown..maybe some day

Kelcey

[MT_firegirl]

Ok, so I know...complete and total shock..I got a BFN this morning...LOL

Do any of you ever notice how the few days around your negative seem to be really crappy some months?? I can never tell if the impending negative precipitates my bad mood, or I'm already in a bad mood and the negative just adds to it..Probably a combination of both I suppose. This month seems like a real letdown for some reason. Even though I knew it would be negative (just because it always is), there was still that little tiny glimmer of "what if it's not..". And so I had a silent mental meltdown last night where you can feel that panic welling up in your throat threatening to make you scream although you never do. I was already having a crappy day, topped off by an even crappier night (monthly fire department business meeting..always loads of fun) and then I came home and dumped it all on my spouse, who as usual takes it so well and still loves me ( he had a crappy day too though, so we both verbally vomited when we came home). And then I wake up at 4 am after not getting to even crawl in bed until midnight...only to start my day off with yet another negative...like always. You know what's the strangest, I don't think I even feel sorry for myself as much as I do for my husband. I hate having to tell him and see the little flash of hurt that evaporates from his eyes so quickly. He's used to it too, but especially here lately, he's been really involved and very aware that a lot of the problem is him at this point. I don't want to go through the rest of my life this way. I just want a family. And although our sweet cats make pretty good kids, they're just not quite enough. Well, at least I did get my floors scrubbed and my house cleaned this morning, (my stress reliever) and that will help as I have to be out of town until about 2 am. I have to go to a completely dumb conference about 2 hours away, but the good news is that the lady that's going with me is infertile too (SI) and she and her husband have the same problems we do. So, at least I won't have to spend 4 hours in the car listening to some heifer brag at me about her kids...LOL

Hope you guys are doing well, Daviso, how is the new job going?? I imagine keeping you busy. Holly, I am really glad that things with your husband are going better, it can be so trying to be married anyways, and then you add IF to the mix and it really makes things difficult. Tanya, how is life going with you?? anything new?

Sorry for being so long winded and ranting at you guys..I wanted to get it all out I suppose before I wake husband up...Right now I have a kitten curled up in my lap, and its not even our snuggly cat, so at least I know I'm loved. have a good day all

Kelcey

[hollym]

(((((kelcey)))))
i'm so sorry about the bfn. i never test until i'm really late, so i rarely see them. but they do hurt so very much. (((hugs))) i hope your conference goes well. those can be such a beating. yuk. how old is your kitty? one of ours was really stand-off-ish for years, then last year she decided to be a sweetheart and snuggle and love and purr and stuff. she's still the tortured artist type who looks like she has an eating disorder and wants to murder you in your sleep, but at least her behavior is starting to change. lol. cats are weird, aren't they?

well, af showed for me this morning. i had bad cramps yesterday, and this morning around 4 am, i woke up because the pain was so bad (even with the heating pad). i'm starting to wonder if this last laparoscopy worked or not. but i hope it's just painful because it was late. the interesting thing is a couple of tylenol actually helped this time. usually lortab doesn't even work. so maybe things will stay nice for once. i'm hopeful. i did have my crying fit too. i was so mad though. i felt like i'd been teased. and that really made me sad. so i drove my husband to the airport at 5:30, came back home, put my pj's back on, and that's how i've been since i got back. i'm not getting out of my pj's until i have to pick him up tonight at 8:30 (yes, it's a stupid 1-day trip to brownsville for a hearing).

i just wish God would tell me why He doesn't want me to have children. did i really do something that horrible in the past? or is it because i would be horrible of a mother? i just wish i could understand. jeff is fine with it. he has embraced the life we have. i am still having a hard time with it. *sigh*

anyone else have updates? anyone have good news?

(((hugs))) to all who need them today.

[MT_firegirl]

Thanks holly, I appreciate it. Our new little kitten is about 16 weeks old, but our normally stand-offish older cat is about 18 months...She's an A$$hole....lol She's completely my husband's cat, but at least the kitten has decided to be snugly and lovey and MINE..

Having a much better day today...thanks for the hug

Kelcey

[Tanya T.]

Kelcey & Holly,
(((((HUGE HUGS))))) for the BFN's... I too recieved another (No Suprise) BFN... I am currently CD 12 (I think)... Not holding out any hope... Just TTC with BMS & hoping for that miracle... Holly, you may actually be getting pregnant... If you are always regular & then for no reason you are late with AF showing, it could easily be a chemical pg. The only way to know for certain is to get quantitive beta's done on CD 28 every month... If you are dealing with chemical pg's I would bet that you're dealing with immune issues... If that is the case, you could get proper testing / treatment & be pregnant in no time....

Kelcey - I am glad that you have kitties, but you are 100% correct - They are not enough!!!!!! Are you doing any ART right now or just TTC naturally??? Do you have any coverage for IF???

Daviso - We miss you!!!!

As far as me --- Not much... David HATES his new job... Thankfully he has two others that he will most likely be choosing from... Both are far better than where he is at right now. Of course neither of them have IF coverage!!!! It has been an entire yr of TTC #2 already!!! All together I've been dealing with this IF crap for over 15yrs & I'm SOOOOOOOOO **** SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cheyenne is 15 months old today & she just craves the association of other children... She litterally cries for 20-30 minutes at the door when her cousins leave to go home... I can't bare the thought of her growing up as an only child... And yet I'm powerless to control that situation... I feel so bad that I am so desperate to have another baby... I know how it feels to be struggling for #1 forever & I feel guilty for wanting more... But IF sucks no matter what!!! And no one should have to deal with this.... I've been feeling very angry about the entire situation... Most likely because I feel so helpless... I know I need IVF & I know I can not ever afford it.... Anyway, just feeling sorry for myself & feeling guilty because I feel sorry for myself...

Hope you are all having a nice week...
Hugs
Tanya

[Daviso]

Originally Posted by BC-Tanya T.

Daviso - We miss you!!!!

Hey there!

Add me to the BFN... Got mine May 27. I wasn't too bummed b/c I just started my new job on May 15, and I wont have insurance until Aug 1. LOL As if it matters - I'd take a baby either way. Whatever. Anyway, the situation being what it is, I was actually not all depressed when my period came. I was actually relieved that it started at the beginning of my long weekend from work! I was dreading starting in the middle of the day at work or something like that. It was great the way it worked out.

So... David doesn't like his job? Poor guy. I hope he finds one he likes soon (and it would be even better if there were IF coverage!)

Hey Holly and Kelcey!

[MT_firegirl]

ok, so I meant to reply yesterday, but I was having a HORRIBLE day..it was so pitiful..tears, anger and the 1st day of a new round of clomid apparently don't go well together. Today however, has been MUCH better. I got my paramedic school acceptance letter in the mail today..woohoo!! I am already a paramedic student, but they only take 10 students into clinicals and it's competitive based. I'm kind of an overachiever, so I wasn't particularly worried and my mom is mad because she says "what are you going to do if you get pregnant??" LOL (like I see THAT happening) Although the way I look at it, I can always drop out...I won't lose my ability to learn as I age..I will however lose my ability to bear children...so I just keep trying, although I refuse to put the rest of my life on hold for it.

It's funny, too because I see some of the women at FT talking about not working so they can concentrate on TTC and I look at my life and laugh. I'm a firefighter/emt for the evergreen fire department..I work as a nurse for a temp agency ( I get to pick my shifts and hours) and for Planned Parenthood (2 days a week for 6 hours), I work at the bookstore (like 2 days a month...I get discounts on my school textbooks this way), I'm the Vice president of the Kalispell Military Family Readiness Group ( about 30 hours a month volunteer work for military families...husband is a recruiter..my involvement makes him look good professionally), I'm a paramedic student, and I revolve around dr appt's too. Last month I had every 48 hour progesterone levels drawn so that my MD could assess my levels to make sure I had no deficiencies. Also did 4 u/s and timed BMS with 100mg clomid (3-7). And they tell me that they have a hard time managing their lives???? Makes me laugh.

Luckily, this is our last month of just the clomid with timed BMS. Next month, we go back to IUI's. My new dr wanted to take 3 months and really closely look at everything from a new viewpoint to where we stood. I thought that was pretty wise on her part and she's actually already found a few things that my old RE (the one with the GOD complex) didn't even address. Thank goodness I started over with her. She is sooo excellent and compassionate, and I'd rather take bad news from her than good news from the old dr in spokane..I actually drove 12 hours one way last year for my IUI (Malta, MT to Spokane, WA) and Dr. Robins treated my husband and I like we were interupting his day. The nerve!

Daviso, you seem like you are enjoying your new job. I'm glad for you, as that really makes life a little easier..I've noticed when I'm generally miserable with life, that it seems like I feel my IF pain more acutely.

Tanya, actually I have decent IF coverage...since husband is active duty we are covered by Tricare Prime Remote (since we are not near a duty station)and they cover 100% of most things...anything diagnostic or having to deal with my spouse (sperm washings and analyses) and the only thing they haven't paid for was the actual IUI that we had last year ($124.00) so I can't complain..and if we end up with IVF, then we can go to Walter Reed in DC and even stay with my Dad in Alexandria, VA (about 15 miles from WRAMC)..and out out of pocket cost would be about 6000 with drugs as I understand it now. Not that we can afford 6000, but at least it doesn't seem as huge to me as 25,000.


Holly, go easy on yourself...God is not punishing you and You deserve a baby just as much as anyone else. I'm sorry that your husband is not sharing in your grief as much as you need right now and you just hang out in your pj's any time you want. You deserve it!!

I have decided that if I have to stay on these fertility drugs much longer, I'm going to weigh 500 pounds..LOL I have packed on 15 pounds in the last 2 months even with extra exercise and less eating..(ok, so I did go through the potato chip phase...but it only lasted a week and they are REALLY good chips..lol Hawaiian kettle style chips..maui sweet onion flavor..I swear you'll lose your mind). I really need to quit slacking and work out more..I even have an elliptical trainer and a total gym in my garage...they just make good coat hangers>LOL I don't want to be heavy BEFORE I get pg and then pack on more weight.

Thanks for letting me ramble on and on and on some more..good to get some mental weight off some times..

Hugs,
Kelcey