How would you react to this comment by Mother-in-law??

wintergirl · 07-11-2008, 10:49 PM

My husband and I just returned from visiting his mother in Iowa and I thought the trip was awful. I'm 38 and finally pregnant with #1 after spending 2 years at a fertility clinic. Hubby is 48, we didn't meet until 3 years ago and got married 2 yrs ago. Well his mother smokes IN THE HOUSE which infuriated me (I'm only in week 12 so still crucial 1st trimester development). Her reasoning was that she smoked when she was pregnant with hubby and his brothers and they came out fine so there's nothing wrong with a pregnant woman inhaling cigarettes. I was Livid angry!! But what also offended me was she said "When you're older and pregnant you run into problems." I responded with "What sort of PROBLEMS???" and then it took her a minute to think of one and she finally came up with Downs. I explained that even at 38-39 the chance of down is about only 1%. I was REALLY HURT that she brought that up that women my age have "problems" with pregnancy. I felt like she was insinuating I shouldn't be pregnant. She said before I conceived that hubby was too old and I shouldn't be putting him through raising a child at his age. My God he's 48 not 78!! And he's got more energy that most people I've known (not to mention he WANTED a child almost as much as me). Anyways, do you think her comment about the "problems" at my age was rude??? Hubby & I are disputing it so please give me your input, thanks.

JerseyGirl16 · 07-13-2008, 04:59 AM

Wintergirl,
I think her comments were insensitive at best. It's just rude to say something like that - she should be supportive. Your husband is an adult and she should have respected the decisions that the two of you have made. Maybe in a perfect world, your husband may have chosen to have children earlier, but he needed to wait - to meet YOU! It's not really her concern, and I would love to tell you not to worry about it; however, I completely understand why you would be upset or hurt. We all want our parents and inlaws to be accepting and supportive. I'm sorry that your mother-in-law was so insensitive. :-(

Vicki41 · 07-13-2008, 08:24 PM

Wintergirl,

****, people are so incredible aren't they? I am angry on your behalf for you MIL's comment and smoking. As if smoking is ever ok in any situation, never mind when smoking in the midst of a pregnant woman. Shame on her.

I had my first at 38 and just entered my 2nd trimester with my second at 43. I'm steeling myself for the comments when I start to show.

Hang in there. Most people will be thrilled for you bringing a baby into this would that is so wanted.

vicki

wintergirl · 07-14-2008, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vicki41

Most people will be thrilled for you bringing a baby into this would that is so wanted.

vicki

Vicki and Jersey Girl, thank you for your support! Vicki, you brought up a really good point - that these babies we have when in our late 30's or early 40's are VERY WANTED, unlike the throngs of teens & young women who carelessly get pregnant. I don't know what MIL's problem is, I'd think she'd be happy that she's getting a new grandbaby and DH & I are stable and have a nice home plus I can stay home with the baby and devote my life to him (or her). Vicki congrats on your pregnancy! I'm hoping to have another one after this one too. Everyone BUT MIL is happy for us so I'll try not to focus on her.

Lasbi · 07-14-2008, 05:44 PM

OH my Goood!! Of course she was rude!!! You have all the right to be upset! I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I would talk about it with your DH again, I think he's the one that should tell you that everything's ok. Sometimes when my DH doesn't get what I'm going through, I look for an example that he'll understand. I put him in my shoes. that helps him see what's happening to me. Some men work like this, they only understand it if they are going through a similar situation.

I really hope you can keep enjoying the PG, and BTW, CONGRATULATIONS!

Lasbi

ainsley · 07-15-2008, 05:51 PM

Are you sure your MIL doesn't live in Miami? I have several comments. First....rude on many fronts. The smoking was the worst. I wouldn't have stayed in her house. About your hubby's age......dad's are older these days. My father was 48 when he had me, 50 when he had my sister and 52 when he had my brother. He is now 86. He was a great dad. We were able to do a lot of things my friends weren't able to.....travel, etc. You are not old. I just turned 40 last week and am pg with my first. Mh DH is 41. We met 3 yrs ago, married 2 years ago, tried to get pg for a year and finally got pg after fertility. I couldn't help what age I was when I met my DH. Try to ignore your MIL. No one should take away your joy right now. My MIL is always rude to me. I just ignore her. Your baby is wanted and will be loved and cared for. That is the most important thing. Hang in there!

November1968 · 07-16-2008, 01:57 AM

In my opinion, Your MIL is just plain envious! And, yes, she is R.U.D.E. in EVERY sense of the word. And insensitive and several other adjectives I cannot print!
Don't let it be an issue between you and DH though - then you'd have given her power. Power to dampen the joy you should derive from this very special baby.
I'm 40 in november and DH was 45 in June and because we're older, we can afford a lot more. Our baby will be loved, cared for and have me at home - not because I cant afford to work or trying to save on child care, but because I can afford NOT to!
Ignore her!!!!!

hadouni · 07-16-2008, 03:31 PM

Insensitive and ignorant... If I were in your shoes I'd be thanking god, the universe and anyone else for every single mile between California and Iowa!! At least you won't have to worry about too much interaction from that distance!
Good luck with your pregnancy!

07-11-2008, 10:49 PM	#1 (permalink)
wintergirl 500-599 post 7 of hearts Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: San Jose, CA Posts: 505	How would you react to this comment by Mother-in-law?? My husband and I just returned from visiting his mother in Iowa and I thought the trip was awful. I'm 38 and finally pregnant with #1 after spending 2 years at a fertility clinic. Hubby is 48, we didn't meet until 3 years ago and got married 2 yrs ago. Well his mother smokes IN THE HOUSE which infuriated me (I'm only in week 12 so still crucial 1st trimester development). Her reasoning was that she smoked when she was pregnant with hubby and his brothers and they came out fine so there's nothing wrong with a pregnant woman inhaling cigarettes. I was Livid angry!! But what also offended me was she said "When you're older and pregnant you run into problems." I responded with "What sort of PROBLEMS???" and then it took her a minute to think of one and she finally came up with Downs. I explained that even at 38-39 the chance of down is about only 1%. I was REALLY HURT that she brought that up that women my age have "problems" with pregnancy. I felt like she was insinuating I shouldn't be pregnant. She said before I conceived that hubby was too old and I shouldn't be putting him through raising a child at his age. My God he's 48 not 78!! And he's got more energy that most people I've known (not to mention he WANTED a child almost as much as me). Anyways, do you think her comment about the "problems" at my age was rude??? Hubby & I are disputing it so please give me your input, thanks. __________________ Cari: 39, Tod 49; Sammy born 1/16/09

07-13-2008, 04:59 AM	#2 (permalink)
JerseyGirl16 200-299 post 4 of hearts Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: New Jersey Posts: 211	Wintergirl, I think her comments were insensitive at best. It's just rude to say something like that - she should be supportive. Your husband is an adult and she should have respected the decisions that the two of you have made. Maybe in a perfect world, your husband may have chosen to have children earlier, but he needed to wait - to meet YOU! It's not really her concern, and I would love to tell you not to worry about it; however, I completely understand why you would be upset or hurt. We all want our parents and inlaws to be accepting and supportive. I'm sorry that your mother-in-law was so insensitive. :-( __________________ Beth Me 35, DH 36 - Married 9 years 1 MC 2000 at 7-8 weeks Ovulation Induction 9/01, resulting in: Twins S and C born 6.29.02 - full term and healthy - now 5 years old! Now TTC again http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/19a3d6

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07-13-2008, 08:24 PM	#3 (permalink)
Vicki41 100-199 post 3 of hearts Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 149	Wintergirl, ****, people are so incredible aren't they? I am angry on your behalf for you MIL's comment and smoking. As if smoking is ever ok in any situation, never mind when smoking in the midst of a pregnant woman. Shame on her. I had my first at 38 and just entered my 2nd trimester with my second at 43. I'm steeling myself for the comments when I start to show. Hang in there. Most people will be thrilled for you bringing a baby into this would that is so wanted. vicki

07-14-2008, 05:44 PM	#5 (permalink)
Lasbi Registered User Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Canada Posts: 833	OH my Goood!! Of course she was rude!!! You have all the right to be upset! I'm sorry you have to go through this. I would talk about it with your DH again, I think he's the one that should tell you that everything's ok. Sometimes when my DH doesn't get what I'm going through, I look for an example that he'll understand. I put him in my shoes. that helps him see what's happening to me. Some men work like this, they only understand it if they are going through a similar situation. I really hope you can keep enjoying the PG, and BTW, CONGRATULATIONS! Lasbi

07-15-2008, 05:51 PM	#6 (permalink)
ainsley 300-399 post 5 of hearts Join Date: May 2007 Location: colorado Posts: 305	Are you sure your MIL doesn't live in Miami? I have several comments. First....rude on many fronts. The smoking was the worst. I wouldn't have stayed in her house. About your hubby's age......dad's are older these days. My father was 48 when he had me, 50 when he had my sister and 52 when he had my brother. He is now 86. He was a great dad. We were able to do a lot of things my friends weren't able to.....travel, etc. You are not old. I just turned 40 last week and am pg with my first. Mh DH is 41. We met 3 yrs ago, married 2 years ago, tried to get pg for a year and finally got pg after fertility. I couldn't help what age I was when I met my DH. Try to ignore your MIL. No one should take away your joy right now. My MIL is always rude to me. I just ignore her. Your baby is wanted and will be loved and cared for. That is the most important thing. Hang in there!

07-16-2008, 01:57 AM	#7 (permalink)
November1968 Registered User Join Date: May 2008 Location: Washington State Posts: 40	In my opinion, Your MIL is just plain envious! And, yes, she is R.U.D.E. in EVERY sense of the word. And insensitive and several other adjectives I cannot print! Don't let it be an issue between you and DH though - then you'd have given her power. Power to dampen the joy you should derive from this very special baby. I'm 40 in november and DH was 45 in June and because we're older, we can afford a lot more. Our baby will be loved, cared for and have me at home - not because I cant afford to work or trying to save on child care, but because I can afford NOT to! Ignore her!!!!!

07-16-2008, 03:31 PM	#8 (permalink)
hadouni 400-499 post 6 of hearts Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: California Posts: 467	Insensitive and ignorant... If I were in your shoes I'd be thanking god, the universe and anyone else for every single mile between California and Iowa!! At least you won't have to worry about too much interaction from that distance! Good luck with your pregnancy!