mean comment

shef · 03-24-2008, 09:52 AM

I'm feeling pretty down and can use some understanding now.
Someone just made a really mean comment to me (an older woman with married children of childbearing age, who are having kids) which put me in tears.
When she realized my age (39) and that I'm pregnant she passed a comment, something like "it's not good to be a grandmother to your kids".
I know I'm no spring chicken, but I figured I can do the best I can to parent my children and hope for the best and not think about the rest, since there's nothing I can do about it (I lost years to senseless dating and later infertility and multiple miscarriages).
It just seems like on top of all my pain, more has to be added. I started feeling differently about having kids at this age now.

Leee · 03-24-2008, 09:59 AM

That's horrible - I would say just ignore her but that type of ignorance just begs for a little bit of a rude awaking!

Tell her then "not to be a grandmother to her kids" take it as she could not have been meaning you

Other lines

"you're only as old as you feel"

"At least I'm not a kid with a kid"

"I'll just be a very wise mother - which can't be a bad thing right?"

or you could just hit right in the heart

"I've longed for this for so long I will be the best mother"

I'm applauded - what a beotch

JAS · 03-24-2008, 11:18 AM

Shef, What a rude thing to say. Listen, I have all adopted children due to my IF. I am now 42, and have given up hope on ever having one myself...

I want you to know that I was 24 when we adopted my first son. I was 37 when we adopted my last daughter. I am a way better mother at this age than I was back then. Every woman should wait until she has pursued her selfish desires before becoming a mom. Be grateful you are the age you are, you will cherish that child so much more than a younger mother. I have friends that are young moms, and in my opinion they are very selfish and don't understand what a privilage it is to have a baby. Hugs, hang in there. JAS

**BC-GoMom** · 03-24-2008, 11:41 AM

What a whack job!!!!
I've had some comments but that takes the cake-
you know I have over a dozen of moms in their 40's and 50's with kids in elementary school....

I think I would have let loose on her and have said - not everyone gets to have children in their 20's. I've suffered years of IF and I am thrilled that God has blessed me with this pg.... so you need to take it up with Him! It was his timing not mine!

witch....

BC-NanceLee · 03-24-2008, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shef

"it's not good to be a grandmother to your kids".

Brother. I would have responded "And it's not good to be a ***** to your neighbors."

I had my second son at 37. This is us on the boat last summer. I will be 50 this summer and honestly, you tell me - do you think he sees me as "grandma"?

Sorry for barging, but you need to let that nasty comment roll right off your back and into the gutter where it belongs.

((hugs)) and congratulations on being a mommy!

hadouni · 03-24-2008, 12:05 PM

Good grief people are thoughtless. Don't let comments like that get you down. What do they know about you or your life- probably nothing! Maybe she's letting her unhappy experiences cloud her thinking?
Women of our generation have had the opportunity to live independent lives, marry later or not at all if we so chose, and to have meaningful careers and personal experiences. I've done so much I never would have if I'd had a child earlier (36 pg w/1st) and those life experiences of mine give me knowledge of the world that I can pass on to my child.
Head up- you're doing great and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

**BC-GoMom** · 03-25-2008, 12:10 PM

shef,
Are you feeling better today?

Sherb · 03-25-2008, 12:33 PM

I always remember what my mom always said "if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all". People are just rude and should keep their mouths shut sometimes. I would have said, "luckily, this child will have a very wise parent to help them grow up."

A similar thing was said to my DH today by our neighbour that is moving. He said that we just "handcuffed" ourselves by having another child at this age with our other 2 kids being 14 and 11. He said that we were almost "free" and now we are starting all over again.

His kids are 14 and 12, so, I guess they are almost grown and on their way off to adulthood because I mean, being a parent only lasts until they are 16 or 18 right!

(btw, I will be almost 38 when baby #3 arrives at the end of August).

Good luck to you and you will be a wonderful mommy!!!

Tia38 · 03-25-2008, 12:47 PM

Wow... I can't believe someone could be so <ahem, I'll be kind> clueless as to make a comment like that...

I had DD at 39... working on #2 and will be 41 in a few weeks. It's hard enough w/o such "helpful" folks...

My mom had me at 36, which back in the day was a bit on the late side.... granted I was #4, and a bit of a surprise.

Chin up. It's one of the many challenges of being AMA (advanced maternal age) and having a "geriatric pg" (something someone posted when I was pg on this board). Thoughtless, clueless people. You can't change them... you can try to avoid them. ;-)

But you can control how you react. These folks are not worth the energy it takes to be mad/sad/frustrated at/with them.

A few possible responses... although I might just walk away noting that the doc said to avoid "negative spaces and people"....

Perhaps a direct "I'm speechless... I've never heard such a thoughtless comment before" statement might help?

On another board under different circumstances someone suggeted "We don't always get to choose...." which I thought was an interesting come back.

If you want to make someone like that feel really bad why not break out the tears? Get weep and then apologize blaming it on hormones... and they ask her to repeat it because you must have heard wrong... surely she could not have been suggesting that there was anything wrong with your being pg?

Congrats on your pg. You'll be a great mom. There are issues at any age. There are days when I do wonder what it would have been like to be a more traditional mom in my 20s or early 30s.... but there are days when I am so glad I have some years under my belt.

Hugs,
-Tia

shef · 03-25-2008, 12:52 PM

HI all,
thanks for writing.....
It helps to communicate with others who understand. I guess I wonder how atypical my situation is, so it also helps to hear from others who are having kids at this age, and are not questioning themselves for it. I felt so blessed to be pregnant after all this time. That comment just sucked some of the joy out for me. Oh, well!
Thank you for your words of comfort. SOme of those comments brought a smile to my face, when I really needed it!
HOpefully, we'll have joyous things to talk about next time!
Shef

03-24-2008, 09:52 AM	#1 (permalink)
shef Registered User Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 228	mean comment I'm feeling pretty down and can use some understanding now. Someone just made a really mean comment to me (an older woman with married children of childbearing age, who are having kids) which put me in tears. When she realized my age (39) and that I'm pregnant she passed a comment, something like "it's not good to be a grandmother to your kids". I know I'm no spring chicken, but I figured I can do the best I can to parent my children and hope for the best and not think about the rest, since there's nothing I can do about it (I lost years to senseless dating and later infertility and multiple miscarriages). It just seems like on top of all my pain, more has to be added. I started feeling differently about having kids at this age now.

03-24-2008, 11:18 AM	#3 (permalink)
JAS 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Sunny CA Posts: 1,271	Shef, What a rude thing to say. Listen, I have all adopted children due to my IF. I am now 42, and have given up hope on ever having one myself... I want you to know that I was 24 when we adopted my first son. I was 37 when we adopted my last daughter. I am a way better mother at this age than I was back then. Every woman should wait until she has pursued her selfish desires before becoming a mom. Be grateful you are the age you are, you will cherish that child so much more than a younger mother. I have friends that are young moms, and in my opinion they are very selfish and don't understand what a privilage it is to have a baby. Hugs, hang in there. JAS __________________ ME ~ 43 DH ~ 44 3~ BOYS 2~ GIRLS DX -Immune issues

03-24-2008, 11:41 AM	#4 (permalink)
BC-GoMom BC:Preg+35/Gaming/Webkinz Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Down South Posts: 4,917	What a whack job!!!! I've had some comments but that takes the cake- you know I have over a dozen of moms in their 40's and 50's with kids in elementary school.... I think I would have let loose on her and have said - not everyone gets to have children in their 20's. I've suffered years of IF and I am thrilled that God has blessed me with this pg.... so you need to take it up with Him! It was his timing not mine! witch.... __________________ Mom of 6: DS - 10 yrs (IVF) DD - 8.5 yrs (IVF) DD - 7 yrs (Natural Surprise) DD/DS twins b/d 12/9/97 @22.5wks IC/PROM/GBS DS- 18.8 years -died Easter Sunday 2005 multiple disabilities since birth Mommy loves you all!

03-25-2008, 12:10 PM	#7 (permalink)
BC-GoMom BC:Preg+35/Gaming/Webkinz Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Down South Posts: 4,917	shef, Are you feeling better today? __________________ Mom of 6: DS - 10 yrs (IVF) DD - 8.5 yrs (IVF) DD - 7 yrs (Natural Surprise) DD/DS twins b/d 12/9/97 @22.5wks IC/PROM/GBS DS- 18.8 years -died Easter Sunday 2005 multiple disabilities since birth Mommy loves you all!

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03-24-2008, 09:59 AM	#2 (permalink)
Leee 500-599 post 7 of hearts Join Date: May 2006 Location: Ontario Posts: 587	That's horrible - I would say just ignore her but that type of ignorance just begs for a little bit of a rude awaking! Tell her then "not to be a grandmother to her kids" take it as she could not have been meaning you Other lines "you're only as old as you feel" "At least I'm not a kid with a kid" "I'll just be a very wise mother - which can't be a bad thing right?" or you could just hit right in the heart "I've longed for this for so long I will be the best mother" I'm applauded - what a beotch

03-24-2008, 12:05 PM	#6 (permalink)
hadouni 400-499 post 6 of hearts Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: California Posts: 467	Good grief people are thoughtless. Don't let comments like that get you down. What do they know about you or your life- probably nothing! Maybe she's letting her unhappy experiences cloud her thinking? Women of our generation have had the opportunity to live independent lives, marry later or not at all if we so chose, and to have meaningful careers and personal experiences. I've done so much I never would have if I'd had a child earlier (36 pg w/1st) and those life experiences of mine give me knowledge of the world that I can pass on to my child. Head up- you're doing great and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

03-25-2008, 12:33 PM	#8 (permalink)
Sherb 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 3,721 Blog Entries: 6	I always remember what my mom always said "if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all". People are just rude and should keep their mouths shut sometimes. I would have said, "luckily, this child will have a very wise parent to help them grow up." A similar thing was said to my DH today by our neighbour that is moving. He said that we just "handcuffed" ourselves by having another child at this age with our other 2 kids being 14 and 11. He said that we were almost "free" and now we are starting all over again. His kids are 14 and 12, so, I guess they are almost grown and on their way off to adulthood because I mean, being a parent only lasts until they are 16 or 18 right! (btw, I will be almost 38 when baby #3 arrives at the end of August). Good luck to you and you will be a wonderful mommy!!!

03-25-2008, 12:47 PM	#9 (permalink)
Tia38 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: USA Posts: 3,466	Wow... I can't believe someone could be so <ahem, I'll be kind> clueless as to make a comment like that... I had DD at 39... working on #2 and will be 41 in a few weeks. It's hard enough w/o such "helpful" folks... My mom had me at 36, which back in the day was a bit on the late side.... granted I was #4, and a bit of a surprise. Chin up. It's one of the many challenges of being AMA (advanced maternal age) and having a "geriatric pg" (something someone posted when I was pg on this board). Thoughtless, clueless people. You can't change them... you can try to avoid them. ;-) But you can control how you react. These folks are not worth the energy it takes to be mad/sad/frustrated at/with them. A few possible responses... although I might just walk away noting that the doc said to avoid "negative spaces and people".... Perhaps a direct "I'm speechless... I've never heard such a thoughtless comment before" statement might help? On another board under different circumstances someone suggeted "We don't always get to choose...." which I thought was an interesting come back. If you want to make someone like that feel really bad why not break out the tears? Get weep and then apologize blaming it on hormones... and they ask her to repeat it because you must have heard wrong... surely she could not have been suggesting that there was anything wrong with your being pg? Congrats on your pg. You'll be a great mom. There are issues at any age. There are days when I do wonder what it would have been like to be a more traditional mom in my 20s or early 30s.... but there are days when I am so glad I have some years under my belt. Hugs, -Tia

03-25-2008, 12:52 PM	#10 (permalink)
shef Registered User Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 228	HI all, thanks for writing..... It helps to communicate with others who understand. I guess I wonder how atypical my situation is, so it also helps to hear from others who are having kids at this age, and are not questioning themselves for it. I felt so blessed to be pregnant after all this time. That comment just sucked some of the joy out for me. Oh, well! Thank you for your words of comfort. SOme of those comments brought a smile to my face, when I really needed it! HOpefully, we'll have joyous things to talk about next time! Shef