Is it ok to be scared?

[robin s]

My husband and I decided we wanted to start a family about a year ago - when we met 5 years ago neither of us wanted children... but it's funny how age and circumstance can change you! I went off the pill last January and then didn't have a regular cycle until my Dr put me on Clomid (I've never been regular). The fear of not being able to have kids and that "ticking biological clock" made me all the more anxious and stressed to the point where I became obsessed.

So now, as luck would have it after 2 cycles of Clomid, I'm pregnant (I have a Dr appt on Friday, but I think I'm about 5 weeks). Except instead of feeling overwhelmed with excitement - I discovered that I'm scared out of my mind!!! It's like... all of the theoretical things that we talked about for the last year are now actually happening, and I'm afraid of the physical changes that will happen during pregnancy, I'm freaking out about the lifestyle changes that will happen... all completely ridiculous in my rational brain, but I still can't help it. I thought I was ready, but now I don't know! I think what I fear most is change.

It's just very emotionally confusing, and everything I read is from women who are just completely overjoyed and feel nothing but joy and excitement... I'm just wondering if I'm alone or if anyone else has (or has had) conflicting emotions - and how you're dealing.

Thanks-
-r

[BC-GoMom]

Robin,
First off Breath..... your ok. Second Congratulations!

Yes, time has a way of changing ones mind and as you grow older many times previous decisions go out the window.

Second- pregnant women are emotional... irrational at times. this is normal. Your emotions will be all over the place for the rest of your life! I know- that doesn't help.

Because you are posting on the over 35 bb I am assuming you are over 35. You have had 35+ years to define yourself and your life is very routine. If you have been childless you probably have some friends that are too. Your social circle revolves not around child activities but adult or family.

Fear about how the pg progresses... how will I look when I have gained 35 lbs? Will I lose the baby? Will I find maternity clothes that I like, what do I have to give up? the occasional wine at dinner? Instead of a power lunch with friends or quick bite with dh, you may long for a nap on the couch. Yes it will change. Then once the baby gets here there is a whole new set of fears......

Most women on this site have had a long struggle with trying to achieve pg so if it happens the joy of finally getting a + overrides some of the things that you are expressing. Many times women who have struggled with infertility (IF) will not voice their thoughts about how it is going to change THEM b/c of the whole ... you got what you wanted (to be pg) so now you do not have a right to complain mentality.

I can personally tell you that seeing that baby on u/s at about 20 weeks or earlier- you just fall in love... more than you can ever imagine. And if that doesn't happen, most fall in love at birth. There will be emotions that I cannot explain. Part of your heart is now outside your body and there is an over whelming desire to protect and care and love..... Dh's can get this but sometimes they do not.

Yes your life will change..... but it will be a great change. You will occasionally miss a small part of your prechild life, but you will also have a whole different life that you cannot imagine.

Pg hormones play havoc in your brain. You will have thoughts that you have never had before, b/c now there is something so dependent on you that you will now look at everything with a different perspective.

As far as the body.... well it changes, rarely goes back to where it was (good and bad) feet get bigger, bbs get bigger, well everything gets bigger.. unless you are one of those perfect little basketball type ladies who don't show untilthey are 7 months... not me... I got a +HPT and my waist would expand 3 inches LOL!

Focus on the positive... I hope your first Ob visit goes well. You may get an u/s and see the heartbeat..... too awesome! You may want to start journaling. About how you are feeling. I promise it will be a great read later.... write how you are feeling... I promise you will look back and where was that coming from ...

Do you have friends IRL that know you are pg? Do they have children? Your social change may be at the root of your worry.... mommies tend to seek mommies to be friends with....

Keep posting, My life is continuing to change as my 3 get older... and it is a BLAST!
J

[Adrienne]

Beautifully written Go-mom!

I believe I was terrified on some level my whole pg as well as overwhelmingly full of joy.

[robin s]

Wow - thank you so much, GoMom! I was really starting to think I was a horrible person for exactly what you said - hoping it (pg) would happen and then complaining about it when it did. My husband is very happy about the whole thing - this weekend he was just all smiles while all I could do was cry because I was so scared... and that just made me feel worse.

I'm 35 (about to turn 36) so I'm very well established in my routines and I really only associate with other adults who don't have kids. my husband and I are both workaholics... something that we both know will have to change - and I admit it - I'm a selfish person. I like my alone-time. I like coming home and veg-ing out on the sofa with a glass of wine and relaxing after work. Having a child is going to bring changes that I'm having trouble imagining. And the whole social network shift is going to be hard too... Maybe I'll feel better once I start meeting others who I have more in common with.

I also really appreciated what you said about how some women don't feel that strong emotional attachment until birth. This desire to have a family is relatively new to me, and I've never ever wanted to be pregnant... but ya kind of have to go through that to get to the good stuff (and by good stuff, I mean the 2-5year-old stage. I'm really looking forward to that part.) I love kids but honestly - babies scare me. When do they hand out the baby instruction manuals? I really hope there's a 24-hour tech support line.

I called and moved my doctor's appointment up to tomorrow afternoon because I'm pretty sure that waiting until Friday would have pushed me over the edge. I had 2 postitive HPTs this weekend, but I'm bleeding a little and don't have any other pregnancy symptoms. On top of it I've got all these feelings swirling around and more questions than I know what to do with. Hopefully I'll get the answers to the physical stuff tomorrow so I can start to process all of the emotional stuff.

Thanks so much for the posts - and I loved the suggestion about journaling - I'm definately going to do that! I really appreciate hearing that I'm not alone.

-r

[BC-GoMom]

2-5 yr old stage- good??? Honestly? LOL!!!!!

I am loving the stage my kids are in... all potty trained- no strollers, can get themselves dressed and I can scream- go get in the car and buckle up- and they will

I love babies.... feed them, change them, hold them....bath them.... repeat.... as needed...

I am hearing in you post... you are really scared of losing the friendships you have. And when you have the baby or during pg- you will... if they do not have children. They will not understand your new schedule or how your life has changed and they won't understand why you cannot do the things you once did.....

First off- after your OB appnt... start posting on the this bb and the due date bbs. There will be women on there that are at the same place in pg as you are. If you have a normal pg... I would enroll in a pg exercise class, acquatics class, or some other class for pg mommies or couples so you can meet other expectant moms. Instant friends.

If you are in church you might look into parenting classes. Networking with other parents about schools and other stuff you have NEVER thought about in your area is great idea.

I bet your attachment comes quicker than birth. most do.

Sorry no instruction manuals... but there are lots of good books... what to expect when you are expecting is always popular and Girlfriends guide to pg was my friend's fav. There maybe new ones out by now.

I have had 3 over the age of 34- totally doable..... and you know at our elementary school you would not believe the number of older mommies... I have yet to feel uncomfortable!

J

[Sherb]

Robin, congrats. I just wanted to drop by and say that I can relate somewhat. I'm 37 and due with my 3rd towards the end of August. My other 2 children are 14 (son) and 11 (daughter). So, it's almost like we are starting all over again and I'm so used to them being able to do almost everything for themselves that having a newborn is very very scary. DH and I at this point are so used to having a little bit of freedom and we know that it will be different again with a new baby but we are totally looking forward to it. I had my NT scan yesterday (I'm currently 12 weeks, 6 days) and saw our little peanut. The baby was doing summersaults and it was the most wonderful thing ever to see. I'm more in love already with this baby.

Trust me, they grow up so darn fast, so enjoy every moment because one moment they are babies and then you blink!

[1mom]

Robin - No, you are not alone. I'm 37 will be 38 Sunday and I have a daughter that is 11 and a step-daughter that is 7. I feel the same way. My kids are older and able to do things on their own so, I do have some time for myself but, that all soon will change for me. I found a week ago that I am pg. I go to the OB tomorrow. I was scared at first but, now I'm okay with everything. I can't wait to have baby around here again. Your feelings are normal. Once that belly starts to grow and you see your baby on the ultrasound you will be in love. Good luck.

1mom

[kimberelli]

Robin,

I think everything races through our minds when we are pregnant, worries, fears, etc.

Know that yes things will change, they will be different, but different is not bad. We have 3 kids and expecting our 4th and instead of what movie to go to or what club to hit it is what time are the soccer games etc. Would I change it......NEVER!

Congrats to you!!! Relax and enjoy this pregnancy and your family!!!!

Kimberly

[LouHoo]

I think what you're feeling is totally normal. I'm going to have my third and I still have those thoughts and feelings sometimes, because each child is different and each impacts your life. Fortunately, you have many many months to get used to the idea and prepare yourself and go through these thought processes. It doesn't mean you'll be a bad mommy. I think by the time your lo arrives you will be overjoyed and excited, and then you'll be scared about a whole new list of things! Good luck!

[robin s]

THANK YOU ALL so much for your encouragement.

I was literally terrified when I first found out, but now that it's been a couple of weeks (and things seem to be going well), I'm coming to terms with it and starting to relax a little bit. The lifestyle change haven't been as bad as I had imagined they would be, and luckily I haven't had many symptoms - just a little bit of morning sickness - which I think makes it much more bareable. And it really helps that everyone around me (the few close friends and family I've told) is so excited.

I had an ultrasound about a week ago, but it was too early to tell anything substantive. A blood test this week showed that my hormone levels were rising very well, so I have another u/s scheduled for Monday. Hopefully they'll be able to tell me something other than, "Yep... there's something in there," which was about all the last u/s could show.

I really appreciate everyone's help!