Pregnant at 40 and confused

[Smudge]

Hi Everyone,
I was on the infertility board here 5 years ago as I went through 5 IVFs and finally gave birth to twin boys. They are now 4.5 years old and doing wonderfully. I have not tried to get pregnant again nor have I tried to prevent it for the past 5 years.
Now I find myself 5 weeks pregnant and I am completely freaked out. I am so ashamed that I am not joyful and happy that I cannot talk to anyone. My husband is very happy and thinks three is just great.
I don't think I can do it again. My twins were so much work. They didn't sleep through the night for over 3 years and I nursed them until they were 3.5 years. I work full time in sales and my job is high pressure. Not working is not an option. I feel like I am just getting myself back together again. The thought of a newborn baby through 4 years makes me want to cry.
Please don't think I am ungrateful as I am so grateful for what I have but I like things the way they are now. And know every doctor told me I would never get pregnant on my own so I didn't even think it was an issue.
And support and advise would be greatly appreciated.
Smudge

[AthenaD]

Hello Smudge,

I don't think there's anything to be ashamed about at all. If the situation is one that you feel will be unbearable, why should you pretend to be happy? I'm not sure when you found out, but if it were me, I'd give it a little time to sink in (a week or two?) and then decide with dh. Anyway, I've never been in your situation (I'm pg for the first time now). I just wanted to send you a giant cyber-hug!!!

Athena

[BC-GoMom]

Oh Smudge,
Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to adjust. Since IF treatments were not used you are most probably pg with one.... it is so much easier. Your boys are actually old enough that they can help and have the opportunity to experience the miracle of birth of a sibling. Babies do require a lot of energy, yet when you have one at a time it is better. I am all for b/f'ing but you wouldn't have to b/f till they are 3. Hats off if you make it to one year. You didn't say how much help dh is during the baby stage. Maybe he can do more-help more this go around.

We welcome your posts here and hope to keep up with you. Post when you can...
Congrats! I had one of those surprises! She turned 3 on Tue! I cannot imagine my life without her!
JenC

[ms_sea]

Here is a big for you! I can understand how you feel...I felt that way with #2 and now with #3 on the way...My #1 was a very difficult baby, and I was sooooo worried about how I could possibly do it again. Well, Baby #2 was such an easy baby! It was easier to hear him cry for a few seconds...or even unavoidable...so he was sooo much better at self calming then #1. I just have my fingers crossed that #3 is even easier!

btw #1 didnt sleep through the night until 6m...#2 it was 6wks...both b/f boys! I didnt wake for every little squeak.....I WAS TIRED. So #2 didnt expect to be feed around the clock!

Wishing you all the best...congrats on your freebe
Tracy
14w5d

[BC-GoMom]

Hey Smudge-
How about an update? Are you feeling better! We would love to hear from you.
jenC

[Fatcatsmom]

Hi,

I guess I'm a little late on this reply, but I'm sort of in your shoes. We were pretty much told we could not get pg on our own, and 6 1/2 combined years w/o a natural pg confirmed it in our minds - then surprise. I'm going to be 38 soon, and my dh turns 40 this month. Our first reaction was all the things we were going to be giving up - things had gotten easier, and now we were going to have difficulties financially that we weren't expecting. Its been a week, and my mind set is getting alot better. Even though it is going to be tough in some senses (in many ways I think it will be so much easier than my twins), I know that next year when I have this baby, I will wonder how I could have lived my life without him or her. Time will help I'm sure, and holding that baby in your arms for the first time will really be the best medicine!!!

[Ruth41]

Smudge,

How are you these days? I think the ladies are right that some time will help ease your feelings about this surprise pregnancy. Let me also interject a reality in case you're still upset......the first trimester is a risky one. Wait and see what happens. I just lost my 6th pregnancy and I will confess that although I've tried hard to get pregnant, each time I have a truckload full of mixed emotions when I find out I'm pregnant each time. Joy is never initially one of those emotions and I've been told that's not uncommon. The older we get, the more we realize just how much responsibility babies are and that can be daunting. This is politically incorrect to say, but I'm going to say it anyway because it is the reality of life. I have a friend who adopted a little boy from a woman who already had 3 children. She was married and just really didn't want any more and even had the means to support the unborn child. You have to be able to provide for a child emotionally and not just financially. From passing the word on, this woman found my friend and her wonderful husband who ended up adopting the little boy at birth. It was a very happy ending for everyone. The boy lives in the lap of luxury and is tended to by a mother who is not distracted by other siblings and who makes him the center of her world. The birth mother sees the little boy every few months and has said she feels relief and that she did what was best for everyone. It was a hard decision, but these things happen. Frankly, it's the dream situation I always wish would happen to me, especially as we continue to fail at carrying to term.

I give you alot of credit for saying what is in your heart. Don't judge yourself so harshly & think you're not fitting into the mold. The experience of pregnancy and motherhood varies from woman to woman....and even from pregnancy to pregnancy. The reality is that most of us have more fear and anxiety about pregnancy than we care to admit. Just because society tells us it's supposed to be an empowering, joyful & miraculous journey, one that we're supposed to embrace, doesn't mean that's really the way it is. Hang in there. I hope you're doing well and that you'll keep all of us posted. Sending you a big hug,

Ruth
San Diego

[BC-GoMom]

Smudge- Still waiting for an update from you... I'd love to hear how you are.
JenC