New and struggling.

[still_hopeful]

I don't know really where to begin or what to say.

I am brand new to this site and needed to surround myself by people who truly understand what I am going thru right now.

I feel that just as I am becoming ok with the fact that I am not pregnant, I get a phone call from someone announcing that they are and I find myself forcing myself to be happy for them and then turning around and crying for hours once off the phone or alone.

I know that I am only 21 and have many years and that I should just relax, but I have wanted children for as long as I can remember and after all, it has been 3 long years of trying with no success and my clock a ticking to a different tock. It is starting to wear on me.

My husband is a 2nd LT in the Army and is getting deployed this coming June. I find myself feeling desperate and out of breath because I have such a short time to get things working and a baby on the way before he leaves.

I was diagnosed with PCOS in september of '04 and was put on spironolactone for 3 months. Although, I was told that there was a great possibility of becoming pregnant within 3-4 weeks and when that didn't happen I fell apart.

I'm not sure what I am doing, I just thought it might be nice to talk to someone who knows this pain that tears my heart apart and who can tell me how to be happy for those who do have little miracles on their way.

[Jenn]

HUGE {{{{HUGS}}}}
I'm so sorry....
It always seem like just when you're doing ok--another person pops up pg. I went through that for many years and still going thru it.
Dh and i started really ttc when we were 19 yrs old. Everyone told us we were so young and not worry about it but all we wanted was to have children. It was very hard when you're that young and no one wants to take you seriously.
I too have PCOS and that along with dh's constant Army deployments/field time/training requirements--need i go on? LOL!
it was doubly hard to get pg and get treatments done. It's frustrating! I feel for you very much because i've been there many times. It took us over 5 yrs to have a living child...which was the result of Injectables/BMS. It took a long time for anyone to even send me to an RE and stop giving me clomid.
For someone who was so "young" at the time i sure didn't feel like it after so many years ttc.
I'm sorry you're dh is being deployed soon. That makes the stress even greater when you're on a time table to get pg.
Dh and I very much want to have another baby but he's currently in Iraq and once again--our family building is put on hold!
I wish you tons of luck in getting pg before June and you are MORE than welcome to continue posting here anytime you need a big . It's hard being a military wife alone but when you're dealing with Infertility ontop of it it can be brutal at times....
Good luck sweetie.
Jenn

[still_hopeful]

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement and advice. It means a lot to me.

I wish that the doctors would give me something...anything. I hate just sitting doing nothing. I feel like I am wasting precious time. The doctor I am currently going to told me to just go home and lose as much weight as possible. I felt as though he was telling that there was nothing I could do and that he wouldn't do anything until then. But the problem is that I am not obese, I am about 40 pounds over weight but I am not like terribly bad like he is making me feel. But the catch with me is that I also produce too much testosterone and another one that I can't remember righ now that is prohibiting me from losing weight. Besides the fact that my metabolism is slow. I don't like my doctor at all, but I don't want to start all over with someone else. I just want the one I have now to listen to me and do something.

For us, the only time we have insurance is when my husband is gone and a lot of good it does for us because when we can finally do something, he is gone. I am just don't want to be left alone this time. He is going to be gone for a really long time this time around and I don't, can't be alone. I know there are support groups and such, but not alone in that sense.

How do you cope with the deep down feelings of being without child?

My sister just told me that she was pregnant the other day and I am so happy for her and can't wait to get the chubby little thing here, but I later found out that she has known for a while but was a afraid to tell me.......ouch! That made it worse. It sort made me mad, but it mostly upset me. Why would they be like that?

I'm so confused about things..can ya tell. I can't even get out what I am feeling or what I want to say anymore.

I need to go for now, but I will be back later.

Thanks again. I appreciate it.

[Jenn]

Originally posted by still_hopeful
But the catch with me is that I also produce too much testosterone and another one that I can't remember righ now that is prohibiting me from losing weight. Besides the fact that my metabolism is slow. I don't like my doctor at all, but I don't want to start all over with someone else. I just want the one I have now to listen to me and do something.

You have the same problem as I do. I too produce too much testosterone. Your dr sounds like a lot of the ones i used to see. No one ever wanted to do anything for me except throw clomid my way or put on the pill when i wasn't ttc. I finally found an Gyn who prescribed metformin to help treat my PCOS and help the nasty side effects of PCOS, like the hair growth, too much testosterone, all those.....
I can't believe he is harping on your weight so badly. 40pds is nothing when it comes to being overweight these days. At my biggest--over 100 pds overweight--they were still allowing me to do tx. It is true that losing weight, especially in us PCOS women can restore fertility/af regularity but drugs like Metformin can help. Especially with the low metabolism issue.
I actually need to find a new dr--i'm not at our home army post--to see about a different form of Met than the one i'm taking. No matter how long i'm on it my stomach just cannot adjust. Very bad stomach side effects. So in the meantime i'm watching what i eat and i have cut out ALL sugar drinks--i drink diet everything and lots of water. I've been cutting down on meal portions and junk food and it's really helped a lot. I've managed to lose 12pds doing so and my periods have been coming regularly which is a HUGE difference. I've also been working out a lot. Maybe some of these things can help you too. I am just so sorry that you're only covered for treatment while dh is away. How frustrating!!! Maybe you can take the time your dh is away and start finding a NEW dr. One who will listen to your concerns, help you control your PCOS and maybe you'll be able to conceive naturally. There is a dr. out there who will listen and be helpful. You just gotta find one. I know, it took me 8yrs to find a PCOS friendly Ob/Gyn myself. Even my RE wouldn't help me treat my PCOS with Metformin. But doctors are now learning more about the helpful benefits of treating PCOS patients with Metformin. Is your dh Guard or Reserves? How long is his deployment expected to be?

Originally posted by still_hopeful
How do you cope with the deep down feelings of being without child?

My sister just told me that she was pregnant the other day and I am so happy for her and can't wait to get the chubby little thing here, but I later found out that she has known for a while but was a afraid to tell me.......ouch! That made it worse. It sort made me mad, but it mostly upset me. Why would they be like that?

As for how to cope w/out having a child....i don't have the answer to that question. Even though we were blessed with a living child in 2002(you can see in my signature that it was a tough road ) i still feel the ache even now. I did many deployments/periods away from dh without children and it was H-A-R-D. I would watch all of my friends and wives from the unit be caught up in their babies, kids and teenagers' lives while their husbands were gone and they were always so busy being Moms and I would go to my lonely apartment at night and just cry. I wanted a child so badly. I wanted to be one of those wives too. I still don't feel like a normal "mom" even with a child but between infertility and loss i don't think i ever will. It's hard to watch people take for granted what comes so easily to them. I did a lot of journaling in those days. I have a few "Infertility Journals". Each time i ended one, i would start out with a new one wishing and praying that this would be the last....
I hope your time comes VERY soon.
And i'm sorry to hear about your sister keeping her pg away from you for so long. It does hurt to know that people are "afraid" to tell you news like that. My best friend is newly pg and her first words to me were "I was so scared to tell YOU". Even now, people know i'm the "infertile" one and can't get pg on my own. I hate that label. But i guess it could be worse, she could be flaunting it in your face....i hate those kind of people!!
You hang in there and keep posting whenever you need to ok?
Hugs,
Jenn

[still_hopeful]

The only medication that my doctor put me on was suppose to help lower the testosterone and significantly reduce the hair growth. But needless to say, it didn't. I only had 1 period while on it and then had another one about a month after I stopped taking it. I actually found this herbal medication that was put out called Ovulex. Have you heard of it? I did some research on it and found it to be pretty impressive. I called my doctor and tried, (tried being the key word here) and he basically blew me off and said that there was nothing he could do until I lost weight. Well, ok, easier said than done, but he doesn't care.

How hard would it be to get my doctor or any doctor to prescribe me metformin? I don't think the idiot I am seeing now will even take my phone calls anymore unless I tell him I've dropped 50 pounds or more. Don't you have to be on a low carb diet to take that medication though? I obviously don't know much about it. I guess I should do a little research. What else did you have to do besides take that drug to conceive?

My husband is with the Reserves and it is suspected to be 18 months long this time. Eeeekkk! That is so long. I hate how the military thinks that they can do what they want with our loved ones. I don't mind him going and serving his country at all. I am proud of him and support him 100%, but don't they know they could say themselves some money in the mental health services if they cut down on the time gone? !!!

Don't you just get sick of people saying that it will happen be patient or your time will come or it will happen when the time is right? I am so sick of hearing that. I also hate it when people know I have been struggling with it and they still come up and say when is it your turn? When are your going to get pregnant? I've just started saying, when you hand over the money to do it. But I only say that to people I really know and will just brush it off as a joke. But deep down I am being serious, sort of.

I miss feeling normal and being treated normal. I am tired of being treated as if people have to walk on egg shells around me with the pregnancy issue. I have never acted in such a manner that people would feel like they have to do that. That's what hurts. Just be yourself for goodness sakes! They make me feel like I am a freak or something because I cannot get pregnant.

I'm sure I am preaching to the choir here. But it just feels good sometimes to say it.

Anyway, I will let you go for now. Hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks again. I appreciate it.