One week since I lost my baby... (lc ment)

[Berni]

I'm 40 now......it's also sad for me because I feel like my family has been decided for me.

Everyone says that you will never "get over" it, but I want to. I look at pictures of me and dh when we were dating and I think, "look how happy we were, if only we knew what kind of sadness was ahead of us". I know it's early yet, but I want to know that we WILL make happy memories again.

Ohhh, Amy! I am so sorry to be meeting you here. I started this reply yesterday but I was at work and just couldn't do it.....I feel for you, I really do......

I was 40 when I had my son and I was devastated that my family (or lack of) had "been decided for me". A tragic way to end our/your IF/fertile years for sure. I hear ya.

There are no guarantees and I can't make any promises but I do think its very possible that you WILL "make happy memories again". Not for a while though - you will need all your energy to grieve but I am confident if you allow yourself to do that, it IS possible to also create a different sort of life from the one we imagined for ourselves. I have to believe that.

Like you, I look back at pictures of me and my DH and think, "look how happy we were, if only we knew what kind of sadness was ahead of us"......I can't say we have any photos like that nowadays........but there is a new richness that I think the smiles and 'superficial' happiness probably prevented us from knowing before Liam ...........if that makes any sense at all....... I guess what I am saying is that was then and this is now......for me, six years later......its different, but I work hard at making happy memories now.........I think its important.

Your post wasn't long and babbling at all......there are no rules here......we just try and help each other through the grief as best we can and often thats about just "talking", just as you have....... Ugh - I hate seeing new people here.

[momtocole]

(((Amy))) how I wish you never needed this board and never knew what it's like to have a child die. You chose such a beautiful name ~Natalie~for your daughter.
Please know that you will never be alone here and you and Natalie will forever be remembered.

Everyone says that you will never "get over" it, but I want to. I look at pictures of me and dh when we were dating and I think, "look how happy we were, if only we knew what kind of sadness was ahead of us". I know it's early yet, but I want to know that we WILL make happy memories again.

I can absolutely relate to looking at old happy pictures...it's like a knife through the heart, isn't it? I firmly believe that no parent who loses a child will ever get over it, but you will find a way to keep going. You will find a way to live your life with your grief included in it. It's all about learning how to live this new life...find a new normal. Your life will forever be changed, but you will make happy memories again. Your sweet Natalie will forever be with you, and she'll be with you as you make those memories. But for now, just try to take it second by second and don't force yourself to do anything. I literally went from the couch to bed to couch for at least a month after Cole died; I know you have a lc at home, so it's different, but please try to take it as easy as possible. We're here for you.

[Margarete Anne]

Amy,

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby, Natalie. It is still so early.....please be gentle with yourself......all you really need to focus on is to breathe and to take care of your dd, as you need to.....otherwise it is all about surviving. I wish that I had a magic way to just take it all away for you....I can tell you that it does get different.....it never is gone, but it gets different.

Take the time to grieve.......it is all part of the healing. Men do grieve diffrently than men, and I am sure that by not mentioning his pain and Natalie, he feels he is fixing it for you......they all want to fix "it" for us.

We are here for you. Please come here as often as you wish.....someone will be waiting with open arms.......I so wish you did not need this place......

Margaret Anne

[momto3angels]

Amy~

I am so sorry for your sweet Natalie...losing (a) child/ren is a pain no parent should ever know and I am so very sorry that you know this pain.

Men and women grieve very differently. After Hannah, Ryan and Abby died, I was lost, devastated and void of any "happy" emotion. I cried a lot and couldn't see beyond the dark fog that I lived under. It seemed like DH was able to move forward quickly. I didn't feel like he was grieving like I was...the truth is, he wasn't grieving like I was, but he did grieve, it was just in a very different way then I grieved. I think that's common/normal.

As for feeling happy again-I also wanted to feel better, normal, back to "me" as soon as possible. I kept waiting for the day I would feel like "my old self". Shortly after they died, someone said to me, "April-had Hannah, Ryan and Abby lived there is no way you would have stayed the same person. You can't expect to be that person now that they have died" She was right. I am not the same person I was before they were born/died. But, it's coming up on three years since they died and I have so many more good, happy days than I do sad ones. I still feel sad sometimes and I'm sure I always will, but being a loss mom has become part of who I am...it is no longer all of who I am.

But it takes time. Please be gentle with yourself as you navigate this very abnormal process of grieving your child.

Wishing you peace~

[Stacy-AZ]

Amy:

This is such an overwhelmingly sad time for you, and you won't "get over it". The pain may not be as raw one day...but you will always miss Natalie. My DH does not bring our boys up unless I do, but I know he thinks of them often. Guys just deal with things differently, and it is ok for you to cry. Big hugs to you friend. I hope you find the support you need here.

[Katie]

Amy,

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Natalie. You will be in my thoughts and prayers in the days to come, as you grieve so heavily for her. It really does feel like your heart is physically breaking and aching, we all know that here so well. Please come here and talk to us whenever you need it. The world seems to move on quickly after our losses while ours has still completely stopped.

[MandyNH]

Im so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter Natalie. There are no words to help take the pain away only words to help you thru the pain to let you know we understand.
As the heavy elephant parks himself on your chest the only thing you can do is try to breathe....for now.

I do think its possible once youve done alot of grieving to make happy memories again. Its just a different kind of happy. Your daughters birth and death will be forever burned into your subconscious and as youve heard before you never get over it. It just becomes easier to live with as time goes on. You find a new normal.
I look at pictures to this day(from 3.5 yrs ago) and say the same thing....Wow look at how happy we were and how we had no clue what was to blindside us in the future. I do think that maybe I have a different "look" to my eyes in recent picture or maybe thats age.....I think I aged at least 10yrs the day my son died.....and I tryed so hard to "get on with life" and put it out of my mind....but it dosnt go away. Ryan is a part of my life and my soul and Natalie will be a part of yours forever too.
Sending you all my support

[SueZ]

Oh Amy, I'm so sorry your precious girl is not here with you. It's so sad, you came so far, only to have her taken from you. I do believe you will make happy memories again, some day, not the same happy memories you would have had had you not lost Natalie, it's a different happiness, a never truly whole or content or complete happiness. I lost my son 8 years ago to a kidney disease, we took him off life support after living 13 hours. My heart is still broken. I know my husband was back at work, doing the lawn, whatever he could do to keep himself occupied, while I wallowed in my misery. That seems to be the pattern on how men and women grieve according to this board. I grieved like I needed to grieve, that helped me, I didn't do anything I didn't want or couldn't do.

Thinking of you. Post any time, I would love to hear from you again

[Cubanita]

I am so sorry that you have a need to be here AmyJay. When you are ready, I would love to hear all about beautiful Natalie.

My husband also reacted very differently than I did to the loss of our boys. But I do know that he was grieving--just grieving in his own way.

I have posted some good articles that might help you on my website:
http://homepage.mac.com/esantaballa

Please know that we are all here for you as you grieve your baby girl.

Much love,

[bigdipper]

I'm so sorry about baby Natalie and how much you'll miss her. She has a beautiful name. Being on a different page as far as grief goes with your DH is very hard. I had some very lonely times while grieving. I still do 4.5 years later, but you will find your way around this. And to add to the grieving of your precious daughter, you will grieve that innocense and the blissfully ignorant times you shared with your DH years ago.

Don't hold yourself back for your DH's sake. Let it out how you need to and he will do the same. Again, I'm sorry you have to be here.