Everybody else and their opinions

[Jupiter2]

I haunt this board but it receives very little activity. I don't know where else to post. I've tried other boards but everyone either still has hope of having their own child or they've made the decision to adopt or use DE and are intent on convincing me that all my issues with these two choices will magically go away if I'll just do it! I think if one more person informs me that a DE baby really IS my child (a genetic impossibility) I'll scream!!!! I'm not so cruel as to tell them I think they are kidding themselves to make it ok (although I must admit I fantasize about it). Who am I to crash someone else's fantasy world, especially if it makes them happy. A little respect from them about how I feel about it would be really nice!

My husband is perfectly fine with DE but I'm not. He is not willing to adopt because it won't be 'his' child. So, for us, both DE and adoption are out. We have 3 embies frozen at 2 days that we will transfer in the next few months. They were retrieved when I was 47 (I'm currently 48) and the doctor has made it plain that my chances for success are practically zero.

Basically, we will never have children and I'm trying very hard to come to terms with that. I feel like I'm falling off the edge of a cliff and all those who get to so calmly and unemotionally tell me about how I'm too old anyway, what did I expect at my age, DE and adoption are such wonderful options, why are you so selfish that you won't consider them...they are all standing next to me ready to push me over the edge.

The fact of the matter is, while DE and adoption are great options for those open to it, they are not right for everyone and I'm tired of being told how selfish I am for keeping my husband from having his own child. Why am I 'selfish' for just wanting the same thing he wants...my 'own' child. As a turn around to this situation, I suggested to my husband that we use DE with my brother's sperm so I could have a child with a genetic link. He flatly refused. No one has called him selfish yet.

Sorry for the rant. This whole thing makes me so angry!!! Does anyone else feel this way and had these experiences? Or am I truly totally alone? There seems to be no where else go go.

[waitingonice]

I understand your feelings, it is hard when the child is geneticaly linked to one partner but not the other. If I would have to use donor eggs I would see it as my body still growing that child, my blood feeding it. Pregnancy can form an incredible bond, but yes, after all it would be geneticaly only linked to your dh. I hope you will come to terms with your decision about de or adoption or that you will get your miracle Good luck to you.

[TommyzGirl]

LOVED YOUR RANT!

...finally someone is airing out their emotions and being honest about what is going on in their life, rather than just covering the problems and making up some front that has everyone believing the underlying issues and thought process is just like everyone else's... hmmm...

Anyways, when my husband and I were actually trying to have a baby I stunned by people's opinions and what they would say to us...

"you really want to force a baby... just let it happen naturally" or my favorite "the second you stop trying is when it will happen!" ...NEGATIVE GHOSTRIDER... we haven't tried in about a year now... no baby

We would love to adopt a little one... but neither of us want an adopted child for our ONLY child... you are totally right, that option would be great for some people, but it is definitely not what we want... and what WE want is the only opinion that matters to us! Last time I checked, other people who love enlightening us on their opinions, were not the ones taking a shot in the hip and medications that make you want to rip out your hair!

SOOOOO... screw the opinion of others ...

[drsquid]

im 39, single and im ticked that when i say i want a kid people immediately ask "have you considered adoption" well first off.. really? adoption? does that exist.. why didnt i think of that.. NOT!!! i have no interest in adopting for various reasons but the idea that it is somehow cheaper, or easier is crazy. im a single working woman.. im not the first choice (from my understanding they want 2 parents, stay at home mom etc). im not a martyr and dont see why i should be .. SENSATIVE TOPIC: id terminate a pregnancy with chromosomal or other serious problems END TOPIC so i have no interest in adopting a special needs child. people tell me to relax or take a month off... well what is making me crazy is the waiting, taking time off will only add more waiting therefore.... plus being single and all... nothing is gonna happen if i "relax"

oh and i was told yesterday that i was "selfish" for wanting to spend money to try to have a child.

[TommyzGirl]

HA HA HA @drsquid ... SELFISH, aren't you just dog-sick of that word lol ... I AM! Why are 'we' selfish for wanting children (our way, not the general idea of the public's way)? Let me tell you what I think is selfish -- that b*tch who just shared her opinion of how selfish I am and how I need to just relax and let it happen naturally is the SELFISH one, because she is on her 4th pregnancy and cannot even afford the three she already has...that my friend is selfish!

I totally went off on a friend who told me to just "relax and let it happen" ((mind you, I was on my max amount of clomid and just had my HCG injections....)) ... I thought I made her head spin lol ...

Oh and I agree with you about being pro-choice

[Jupiter2]

OMG, I LOVE these posts!!! Don't have time now but will answer fully later. Thank you SO much for your responses!

[TommyzGirl]

Well Jupiter2 we will be eagerly waiting on your reply lol ... this is the most fun I have had on this board in a minute! lol .... i love it!

[Jupiter2]

This is my third attempt at answering. My other two attempts got lost in a cyber black hole. This one I'm writing in notepad (so there!)

TommyzGirl and Drsquid (awesome username!) - thanks so much for your replies. I was really starting to feel like I was the only one who was feeling some angst over all this.

Regarding the 'just relax and stop trying' approach. Really, who would depend on that? To me, that's the kind of statement that someone makes who has never experienced not being able to do something that comes so naturally to everyone else. These people have no idea what they're talking about. I have a cousin and I know several others that this actually happened to, i.e. got pregnant after stopping. But I really don't think they got pregnant because they stopped! It was just the right time, right place. There are many more for whom it never happens.

I'd like to address the use of the word selfish. That word is thrown around quite a bit, especially in infertility circles. I can remember being told I was selfish because i didn't have kids. Now I'm selfish because I want them (spending all this money, too old, my own fault for not having them sooner). I don't think this is a battle anyone can win. Once, years ago, when I decided to take a 3 month leave of absence to travel around Europe, I was told that if I had kids I wouldn't be so selfish. I'm not quite sure how using my own money I had worked for and saved was selfish, or what kids had to do with any of it, but it all seemed to revolve around having kids! This, from the same idiot who was debating whether or not to prevent his father's (elderly, disabled) electrical power from being turned off OR purchasing a jetski for his kids.

SENSITIVE ISSUE: I would also terminate a pregnancy that was not normal. For many reasons pertaining to myself and the child, I am not willing to go that route. END ISSUE. Therefore, I'm selfish because I'm not willing to adopt or foster/adopt a special needs child. Then there are the people who continually push DE. They have made the decision to go that route (good for them, I have no problem with their decision) but it's JUST NOT FOR ME! Then I get the lecture about how I should just 'want to be a mommy' and it shouldn't matter. Well, fine, if it doesn't matter, why doesn't everyone just get DE to begin with? Why doesn't everyone just adopt, for that matter, since it's so selfish to want your own? I think the question for the next person who brings this topic up to me is, "How many kids have YOU adopted?" Oh yeah, and can I borrow $50,000? Yeaaaah, I'll pay you back.

This is fun.

[drsquid]

im apparently heading down the ivf route now.. sigh just didnt see this happening. all my single friends who tried succeeded first try.. ive only failed 4 times (and with crap sperm) so it just seems so drastic to me.. but yeah id rather cough up the money for this.. i travel a ton (why not, im single no kids etc). when ive said something about how much this all costs people are like.. well kids are expensive.. ok i get that but.. umm lets pretend you decide to buy a house. first month they ask you for 1000 up front, no house. 2nd month you up the ante, spend a bit more, maybe a few houses etc, but at the end of every month.. nope no freaking house.. but hey, cough up even more and we can up your chances.. sigh

donor eggs.. hrm i dunno. i tried asking people which would feel more like "their baby", donor eggs that you carry, or a surrogate with your own eggs.. to me it was actually going through the pregnancy but... the weirdest part about this thought question was how hard it was to get people to just answer only what i was asking, not get into how adopted kids are your kids etc etc. yeah i get that but... what is your opinion on THIS SINGLE ISSUE =) i gave up asking people.

[Jupiter2]

It's amazing to me how people assume single adults have money running out of their ears. When I was single, a good friend once told me I had no expenses because I was single/no kids. I informed him I had 2 elderly parents and an elderly grandmother who all got financial help from me and it was nonsense to assume he knew anything.g about my financial situation or anyone else's for that matter. As for kids being expensive, they can be if you don't know how to shop, but the point is...kids may cost money but getting pregnant is usually free!!! Unless of course you are in our shoes and have to go the ivf route. So, you put out all this money for ivf, which insurance may or may not (likely not) cover, and other people just brush this asside like its of no significance whatsoever. These people have no idea what we are going through and most have no ability to put themselves past their own nose. Just try suggesting insurance should cover ivf and see what reaction you get!

I know what you mean about people not wanting to answer your questions. I have asked questions on more than one area about how to deal with my ambivilant feelings toward DE. No one will talk about it! There are two camps...won't even acknowledge the topic or its the best thing since sliced bread. Whether its adoption or DE, they close their eyes, decide it is their child, and that's the end of the topic.

I have many thoughts on your question that I don't want to type out on my phone. But I will answer it when I get home to my computer!!!