Hubby has children and I don't

[little miracle]

I was reading the posts in this board and are just amazing, mature and gave me a lot of support and though, guys I admire you.

I am going through a tough moment right now, I may end up my marriage due to the fact that dh has children and grandchildren from previous marriage and each time we have a gathering, I am strugling constantly with my feelings after, Birthdays, father's day, Chrystmas, etc.

He tells me I am selfish and I should love and feel like if the granchildren are mine, of course I love these beautiful angels, but I am in constant pain because we were never able to conceive after 2 years. I was never able to have any child from my previous marriage and with dh I am out of the game due to his vasectomy and the DSIUI's at my age didn't work, I am too old to conceive and cash out for ED, quite frankly I am devastated and tired of each month having a BFN.

Are my feelings wrong?, Am I selfish?, please be honest with me.

Thanks a lot

[plastic]

Hi little miracle,

You are not being selfish. I will say it again because I hope it sinks in. You are not being selfish. Selfish means one has concern for themselves only, and/or a disregard for others. You said yourself you love the kids and grandkids. It seems your husband is the one with disregard for YOUR feelings. That is not said as encouragement to seperate from your husband, but as awareness that you are protecting yourself for your own well-being, not because you are selfish. The word 'selfish' is used way too much, and without cause, and before any thought is given to the situation.

Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? If he is only seeing what it does to you emotionally on the outside (like crying, being away from the kids), then he probably won't understand. Communicating your feelings to him would be a good step to take. I bet your husband would have many of the same feelings you do if the tables were turned.

Ufortunately, it takes a lot of cash for treatment these days. I just watched a story about a couple who decided to adopt instead of go through treatment because the cost was turning out to be much, much more expensive than adopting.

No one can expect you to take to your DH's now grown children (who apparently have children of their own) and be satisfied. Even though you love them, it does not fill that void. I suspect as long as I do not have a child of my own, I will have that empty spot inside my heart. Even though this void remains (for now), I've realized I can still be happy and live my life CF and wait for it to unfold day by day.

Cheers

me 25 DH 30

[little miracle]

PLastic,

Thanks for answering my post and your honesty in your point of view, I was afraid nobody will answer it, this thought has been in my mind since while ago and it is something that eventually I may have to deal with, or accepted or go to my own path.

Yes, I have talk to my husband about this matter, but unfortunatelly he goes "crazy" about it, he thinks I am attaking his children and grandchildren, and I only think in myself, although I repeat him it is not about them, it is about how I feel, eventually another event with his family comes alone and I just keep it quiet to avoid arguments and or tell him how wonderful was the "event" and his family.

To my husband advantage, he has been extremely supportive with the financial situation never nagging abut it, and even going with me to every single visit to the RE .

Right now I am so confused...I honestly don't know if with the time I will get over it or (this is what I am afraid) this will bother me forever.

ONce again Plastic, thanks again, for your age you sound very mature.

[loribeth]

Hello from a fellow childless GTA-er! I lurk on several boards for childless (not by choice) women. Your situation is NOT uncommon & your feelings are completely normal.

I'm not a stepmom myself, but knowing so many on these boards & hearing about their problems, it's a subject I find interesting. I recently read a good book that I recommended to them & will recommend to you, called "Understanding Stepmothers" by Elizabeth Church (another Canadian!). It includes a section on childless stepmothers. You should be able to find it at Chapters. There is also a site called Childless Stepmoms that you might find interesting. It encompasses stepmoms who are childless both by choice & not by choice.

http://www.childlessstepmoms.com/

I can also recommend a great counsellor here in the GTA who helped my dh & I enormously when we were struggling with infertility treatment, how far to go with it & whether to accept childless living. She works with one of the local clinics but also has a private practice. She has a social work degree & has gone through infertility (donor sperm) herself, so she knows what she's talking about, & she does a LOT of work with couples. Let me know if you'd like more info.

It's a difficult situation to be in & my heart goes out to you. There is a good life to be had without one's own children, but remember, you don't change a lifetime's worth of expectations in just a short while.

Lori

[little miracle]

Loribeth,

Thanks a lot for your info, funny, I have never seen my self as a stepmother because his children are in their 30's,( I am 41,) and they are totally independent, so I always see my self totally childless. You have a good point, though.

Maybe that is why he is trying to tell me that they are also "my" children and grandchildren, but I always thought, "well, they have their mother, don't they"? Could I be in denial?, I have never seen them as a stepchildren/stepgrandchildren.

The website you posted looks interesting, I will have a look of it and definetelly I will look for that book.

For the moment I will give it a try if after I read I feel better, other wise I will appreciate the coordinates of the councelor.

Thanks a lot!!!!!

[little miracle]

Loribeth,

The website is amazing, you open my eyes to a new world

[loribeth]

Glad you like it... I'm not a member (since I'm not a stepmom), so I haven't been on the boards there, but just the articles & stuff on the public part of the site are great!

It's certainly different with grown stepchildren -- no wonder you REALLY don't feel like a mom -- you didn't have anything whatsoever to do with their parenting & upbringing. My MIL died before I ever met her & my FIL remarried, so my dh & his brother got a stepmother & stepsiblings when they were in their late 20s/early 30s. It's a cordial relationship but they certainly don't think of stepMIL in motherly terms; she's their dad's wife & that's about it. She does refer to herself as BIL's kids' "grandmother" & them as her grandchildren -- which I know bugs the heck out of BIL -- but she's certainly been a grandmother figure to them & she doesn't have any grandchildren of her own from her own kids.

Anyway, I'm straying WAY off topic -- just wanted to let you know, it's a complex relationship, & I hope the site & book will help!

Take care!
Lori

[plastic]

Excellent find loribeth. I'm glad you shared the site. I'm not a step mom either, but that site certainly has some good reads.

Little miracle, keep us apprised on how things go.

[little miracle]

Thanks guys,

sure I'll keep you posted!

[cherrylynn]

My mom has been married 3 times. I am now 31, and the youngest of my siblings, and my step-father, step-aunt and step-grandma are core people in my life. These 3 people never replaced anyone but created their own spot in my life. The last 17 years of my life would have been much less empty without my "steps."

I don't think your feelings are irrational or selfish. Even though you married knowing you may never have children, and that your dh already had, our feelings sometimes creep up.Marriage is about compromise and helping each other reach your goals. I hope that you and your husband can find a way to ensure both your feelings are recognized as valid and try to find a middleground ( adoption, foster-adopt or more tx).