Should I invite my mom to be at the birth?

[2007momtobe]

We are trying to decide whether to invite my mother (and possibly father) to be at the birth of our first child. DH's parents live in the UK, so no possibility of inviting them.

Originally, it was just going to be DH and I at the birth. However, at our Childbirth class last week, the teacher talked about how important it was to have an additional support person. Everyone in my class said their moms were going to be that person. Then I started thinking about how my grandma was at both of my mom's childbirths and how my mom's friends have been at the births of their grandchildren. I know my mom is dying to be at my child's birth.

I don't want to deprive her of witnessing this amazing event, but I also don't want her there throughout my whole labor. I think it would stress me out way too much. I love my mom to death, but she is a nurse manager and I can totally see her taking over and not letting DH do anything. Additionally, DH and I want to be the ones to bond with the baby initially and I can see my mom trying to hold the baby (and tell us how to take care of him!) right away instead.

We were thinking about inviting her in at the very end to witness the birth. And obviously, laying down the rules about how we will bond with our baby initially. But then, will this cause friction?

Then there is also the added problem that DH's parents may feel left out because they can't be there. But then again, should we really deprive my mom of this opportunity because the inlaws live in the UK and we're over here?

What do you think? This has been stressing me out! Too much to think about at almost 36 weeks pregnant!!!

Oh, and DH was shocked that grandmas even attend the births in the US because in the UK it is unheard of for anyone except for the DH and/or a midwife to be present. He is okay with my mom being present, as long as we drill it into her that she is there to watch, not manage.

Any advice or just support would be appreciated because I really don't know what to do!

Kelly

[mvp]

My mom was there during my whole labor and birth with my first and was supposed to be there with the second, but it ended up being an emergency c. Anyway, the labor with the first was about 14 hrs. from start to finish and I think my dh was grateful to have someone else there to help---I was quite demanding and I labored all night until 8:30 the next morning. I can see how your mom would stress you out though. I think you need to do what your gut says. One thing about inviting your mom in at the very end is that you don't know how long she will have to sit in the waiting room waiting for the go ahead to come in. Is there a way you could ask her to guide dh, but make it clear that he wants to be the one to coach? It's a hard decision because you don't really know what to expect. Also, how would your mom take it if you set guidelines for labor, delivery and after the birth. If she is accepting of all of your wishes, then it is definately nice to have an extra person around. Oh, and one thing for me is that I know my mom and dh were with me, but the whole thing kind of seemed like a blurr and I don't remember either of them doing anything that i didn't like or bothered me.

[Ophelia Payne]

I struggle with this, too! I hired a doula because I am new to birth, and are trying for natural birth at a hospital (with a midwife). My dh, of course, is to be my primary support. Now that it's all set, I am feeling guilty about my Mom... I wonder how she feels that a total stranger will be our back up support person. One of my reasons for choosing the doula instead of family (like my Mom) is because I feel I could really lay down the rules with her (because I am paying her). Also, if, on the off chance, dh resented any help during the labor, I didn't want him resenting my Mom. He sometimes "holds" on to those kind of feelings for too long, you know? I'm also afraid that if my Mom was around, I wouldn't be as strong... she's so good at babying me.. maybe I'd just whine and cry to her.

I can't imagine my mother seeing my neither regions! Not that I'd be embarrassed then, but the fact that from now on I'll know she's seen "down there".

I guess I'm not any help... I don't know either. If the hospital allows more than 2 support people, I may *ask* her if she wants to be there for part of the labor. Still undecided.

[DrAussieMom]

I didn't and wish I did. My DH is a push over and didn't demand things that I KNOW my mom would have. We are not shy around eachother, so for the next, she WILL be in there. It is so dependent on your particular relationship, but I wish I would have.

[2007momtobe]

Thanks ladies! DH and I have decided to allow my mom to be at the birth. We have sat her down and laid down the rules. She promises to sit back and let DH call the shots. She understands where we are coming from and said she will do as she is told and just be there as back-up support and to view the birth of her grandson. She was so pleased, I thought she was going to cry. I feel really good about our decision. I'll let you know how it goes!

[Gin]

God no. I love my mom and talk to her all the time. We are a very close family. But no way in this universe would I ever want her in the delivery room with me. My sister had 3 kids, and she told me her best advice was to not even call anyone til after the baby is born (except her, of course). She had her husband only all 3 times.

I'm just a private person...I don't like to be looked at or worried over or cheered on--especially when I'm in unfamiliar territory. My husband seems to be the only person I want around during times like that. Love that man.

[LouHoo]

I did not want my mother at my labor and delivery, but after I got my epidural I said she could come in, and then she never left. She was wonderful and a great help - much better than dh (even though he tried). I'm so glad she got to be there.

With my second child I didn't even make it into a delivery room and my mother wasn't at the hospital yet. My sister worked at the hospital and was there with me (she's a doctor) when the baby was born. She's seen thousands of deliveries so I didn't feel shy in front of her, and I was thrilled that she got to be there with me.

I would never have my father in the delivery room, but my father would never want to be, so we have no problems there.