OT - Whining, vent post re: mother

[oldermama]

Okay now onto my mom (if anyone is still reading ) She shows up on Tuesday even though I said not to. Comes in about 7 pm – brings her new boyfriend whom I do not like. He has no respect for women (that type – thinks women have no opinions – aren’t worth the same as men? Total jerk) anyway, he comes in with my mom and goes over to look at Shanelle. As you know dh is Portuguese – so dd takes after him – colouring wise- so idiot says ‘are you going to pierce her ears?’ My son’s aid/teacher is also visiting btw. I say ‘I don’t know I hadn’t thought about it –she’s 5 hours old’. He says well aren’t all Portuguese girls ears pierced? I say ‘I don’t know, are they?’ Then he says ‘Oh, well at least you don’t have to put a red dot between her eyes?’ I am like what the heck does that mean you idiot only I didn’t say it out loud. So then he goes downstairs and my mom doesn’t come down right away and he comes back up – a nurse is in the room and stands at the door and screams at my mom ‘Are you coming – swears and says he doesn’t want to wait around all night!’ I was so outraged – this is my new baby – he’s acting like a spoiled bigoted idiot! So the next day – my mom comes up again –I tell her his behavior is unacceptable and she starts well, what I am supposed to do ? Blah blah. Now she left my stepfather after 25 years and he is a dear man – he was intelligent , had a career, respected women, you could actually talk with him plus he was really good looking for an older man – kind of had that Pearce Brosnon look. He had money (new boyfriend doesn’t) not that should matter but you know. He was also lovely with ds – he would sit and watch sports with him – he was fun to be around. We all went on a vacation to Mexico when Jeremy was 2 and had a blast. Dh really liked my stepdad also.

Anyway, then my mom got in a snit about something and well…never mind. Needless to say she ended up with this neanderthal.

So then my mom doesn’t visit until yesterday. She comes in (and you know ds is having trouble with everyone bringing presents but none for him) So ds is in the living room and my mom completely ignores him and starts in on this person from her work gave me a gift and she is holding out the bag –ds standing there. I say – oh, mom, could you just put those away for now – I will look at them after. OKAY THEN SHE POUTS AND WAITS A MINUTE AND SAYS ‘DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE?’. I say no – I just don’t want Jeremy around when there’s no gift for him – he’s having a really rough time right (and at that moment and my mom still is ignoring him!!!!)

She only stayed for an a little over an hour (which she spent ½ of that out in the garden picking raspberries for herself)

So then her idiot bf shows up (he had brought his truck to town and it wasn’t ready) so he comes to our house to see mom. Well she had left – so he comes in and borrows our phone and proceeds to call long distance WITHOUT asking first – I mean I don’t care but don’t you think it’s rude – I don’t really know him and he doesn’t ask. Okay so he stays for about 45 minutes – I had just bf Shanelle and she was having a rough time – she didn’t want to be put down so I was holding her and then I was also discussing Jeremy’s program and his session with his newest aide/teacher while doing it. So then when he leaves dh says he says to dh ‘Is that all she does –hold that baby all day?’ Ughhhh!!! SO dh says – you better put her down. I reply ‘uh, yeah right I am not listening nor do I care what a redneck, bigoted idiot has to say!!

So my question ladies – my mom thinks Shanelle should call her new bf ‘grandpa --- I don’t want her calling him anything as I don’t want my daughter exposed to someone like him plus he has some anger issues and I would NEVER allow my mom to take her anywhere with her and bf as he yells and I don’t want my child exposed to that.

Do you think I am being unreasonable? What do I say to my mom ‘the victim’ – oh, yes, she’s playing that to the hilt these days. I still want Shanelle to call my stepdad grandpa (he btw called the hospital to see how I was and what I had) He then sent a card and a cheque for Shanelle in the mail. He was my dad for 25 years. How at the age of 40 am I supposed to accept this other guy as my daughter’s grandpa??? Am I wrong to feel this way?

Sorry for the long novel – thanks for letting me vent. Any opinions are appreciated but no flames please still fragile with hormones.

Barbara

[LisaH7]

YOur judgement is right on target....keep your family away from that mess!! HOw shameful that your mom is not being a mom to you especially right now
Her BF needs to stay far away and i would make that perfectly clear to mom.
I have had my share of family issues myself and can totally understand your feelings.
PLus ingnoring your little boy is absolutely HORRIBLE!!! She should be pouring the love on him right now....dang she is his grandma!! Grandma's are supposed to make little people feel better when they are having a tough time!!
{{{{{{HUgs to you and your Little boy}}}}
It will get better
Lisa

[Pepper44]

I wonder what your mom sees in that guy, he sounds horrible! I think you are totally justified in the way you feel. I would invite your stepdad over to meet the baby and say hello, and call him grandpa--though that might really upset your mom. I hate how family issues can cause so much stress when things should be happy and concentrated on baby. *hugs*

[sharianni32]

Absolutely, I would not want my dd exposed to that! Your instincts are right on! Also...he's not grandpa...he shouldn't be called grandpa. Oh, I am so sorry you have to go through this! I hope your DS gets through this. I can only imagine how hard it is for him right now. I hope things go better with your family very soon.

[monarchbutterfly]

your feelings are justified hon...you do not know this guy. i would respectfully tell your mom that you will not let your dd call this man hrandpa as you do not know him and you do not know how long he will be in her life for. i am sorry your ds is having a hard time adjusting. would it be possible yo have dh stop by tru and pick up some small gifts taht you could keep in a basket so if someone comes without something for him they could pick something small out of the basket (prewrapped) to give to ds?? that way he does not feel left out and he still gets a gift.
i am sorry that you have a drama queen in your family....i have one in mine and all i can do sometimes is roll my eyes at ehr and do my best not to give her attention when she puts on her "woe is me" act (which of course with her is every other day )
sending s

[Liet]

Ugh! He sounds HORRIBLE! Who makes a long distance call from someone's house without checking first? I agree, he sounds completely insensitive and utterly unpleasant. Also not so bright--because yes, everyone knows that Portuguese women wear caste marks. What on earth? Can you imagine?

My suspicion is this: I can't see your mother with this man long enough so that your daughter will even call him grandpa. I mean, do you really think he'll be on the scene in 18 months or so? (I certainly hope not!!!)

First of all, I think your daughter is perfectly entitled to call your step-father (your mother's ex) Grandpa. If he's been like a father to you, then he is essentially her grandfather.

Okay, now I'm just presenting an alternate viewpoint here, but here's a thought. I know that your mother's bf is certainly not much like a grandfather--at ALL! But if it helps keep the peace, would it be a big problem? Only you can know this for sure, but I wonder if it might be a fairly small sacrifice to help keep the peace with your mother. My feeling (and please feel free to disregard it) is that it does not matter what he is called-- he's an uncultured, ignorant boor. But certain sacrifices are necessary to keep the family peace. (But you may feel that this is a big sacrifice, in which case I would support your decision to not call him Grandpa).

However, I would absolutely insist that if he is going to get that title, that Jeremy be able to use it too. I mean, why does it come up with your daughter and not with your son? I know you said in a previous post that her weirdness w/ Jeremy is not because of his autism, but I feel suspicious and defensive on Jeremy's behalf. If she does not want Jeremy to use that title with the bf, then there is no reason your daughter should!

Another idea--how about a "Grandpa" synonym--like Pop, or whatever grandpa is in Portuguese? Would this be a reasonable compromise? Or maybe you could just call him "jerk" in Portuguese and TELL him it means grandpa? ;

Finally, I am certain your instinct to keep this man far away from your family is right on target. If he has anger issues, can this be good for any of you? Is there any way to keep him away without making a big scene? If not, then I guess honesty is the best policy--but if there IS a way, then I would try to find it. (You can see that I tend to value family harmony--but not when it impedes upon the safety or emotional security of my family--and this may well be a case where it does).

I am not sure you will ever get your mother (aka "the victim") to understand your point of view. She doesn't seem to be particularly skilled at understanding your viewpoint, which is a pity. But there are some people you just can't reach no matter what.

Good luck! (And let me know if I was at all unclear and need to clarify anything--I am not sure how articulate I am right now!)

[IBelieve]

I think you're right on too. My mom does the same exact thing with her on and off BF. She wants my sisters kids to call him "grandpa". Of course they're off right now, but I already told my sister, my kid isn't calling him grandpa!

[Mom2TJ]

You aren't over-reacting at all! Your mom and her BF have issues.

Don't do anything you aren't comfortable doing! If you don't want the BF to be grandpa, then don't allow it! You are the Mommy---you know best!

So sorry you are dealing with this right now!