Do you tell your IRL friends about your IF journey

IWantToBeAMommy · 08-21-2008, 10:28 PM

Just in case, IRL stands for in real life and IF is infertility.

I have not. I only told one friend about my recent miscarriage and this was her response (http://www3.fertilethoughts.com/foru...d.php?t=598841).

So I decied to keep it to myself, family, and my friends here at FT

rrandle2 · 08-21-2008, 11:07 PM

Yes only b/c I can't hold ice water! I try to keep it secret but it slips.

shannazta · 08-22-2008, 05:06 AM

My best friend knows about our struggle that only keeps getting longer and longer. None of our family knows because my mom would call constantly and bug me. Not to mention that she cannot keep her mouth shut.

undertheradar · 08-22-2008, 05:40 AM

I've only talked about it via this and another forum. Some of our closest friends know that we've been TTC, but we've been vague about what we're doing and when. The closest in folks know that "we're thinking about IVF...", when in reality we've gone through a full cycle.

My folks don't know a thing about our TTC struggles. They politely don't ask. DW's parents know (they're a little more open about those things) but like our friends, they don't know any specifics.

I've hesitated to tell anyone because I'm just not up for the random inquiries, especially after bad news. If they knew the timing of the cycles, we'd have to field those well-meaning phone calls.

mamamolly · 08-22-2008, 09:40 AM

I do talk about it-- partly because I'm a blabbermouth, and partly because it bugs me how we often feel like we can't/shouldn't talk about this, as if it's something shameful, when it's a legitimate medical condition like anything else. So, I decided that anyone that I would talk to about my (hypothetical) diabetes, I'll talk to about this. Granted, I don't always tell most people every gory detail and I don't tell most people specific dates of things, but I do fill people in. I can completely understand, though, why many people don't talk about this.

IWantToBeAMommy · 08-22-2008, 10:43 AM

I am totally for talking about it. I don't think IVF should be the "secret".

But for me, other than close family and friends here at FT (and the ladies at the clinic), others don't understand.

I try to understand for my friend who I wrote about, but I haven't heard from her since then. I have not called her because I can't even think of the words to say to her. I emailed and I actually sent her a card last week as a olive branch but I heard nothing from her.

I think I should be the mad/confused one

but I am trying to save our friendship. But then again, maybe she is just busy. Or pregnant? Maybe that is why she didn't tell me? Hmmm.. just thought of that one. I was the first person she called when she got pregnant with her son.... Maybe she is trying to be kind. Oh well, my birthday coming up soon, I should at least be getting a phone call or card from her soon. Last year, she tried to teach her little son how to say happy birthday to me on the phone.

This year he should be old enough to say it.

Oops... a little off topic. Have a nice day everyone!

pepper · 08-22-2008, 10:56 AM

Yes I do share because I enjoy seeing the looks on their faces and the inspiration it brings. If I had children conceived by IF treatment (I do not) I might not, because it's not something everyone needs to know. I tell people who ask or insinuate that we had no trouble.

When we were going through IVF, I told everyone because I was so excited about the potential results. It's also kinda hard to hide a medicine bag that needs to be refrigerated/cool!

babyprayers · 08-22-2008, 05:24 PM

I do tell my friends, and most of them are very very supportive about it. Everyone at my work knows because a few people can't keep their mouths shut and everyone wants to know why I carry a cooler with syringes around; but they are also very supportive, not to mention intrigued by it. There's so many people who ask me questions and really want to know all about the process. I don't get too specific with them; it's hard for them to completely understand everything (ex what ER entails and why I have to go to RE's office every other day).

marypahl#13 · 08-22-2008, 08:25 PM

I have told people in the past (we have been in the IF train for 10 years now...). However, not everyone knows everything. And some people know nothing. I gauge how well they can keep their mouths shut (not because I don't want them to know of our struggles, but because the rumor mills in some circles are much more "creative" than others that can stick to the truth.) for example, a good friend going through IF knows EVERY gory detail. My inlaws know nothing. One of my 4 sisters knows, just because I don't want them to have to deal with the heartbreak if we don't succeed. They knew about our previous endeavors. I think it is a very personal issue, based on many factors, and there's not one single right or wrong way of dealing with this "IRL". As long as you have some support system, be it online or in real life, that's the most important part.
Mary

lisette · 08-22-2008, 08:45 PM

I pick and choose who I tell. I have a 20 year old daughter who knows only because she lives in the same house. It is very difficult because she asks me questions all the time and she doesn't understand what I am going through. I think that if I told everyone, it would be the same thing all the time from them... "are you pregnant yet". I don't want to have to deal with that because when you say "NO" then what do they say next??? They don't know what to say so it makes it very awkward. I don't know your friend (Iwanttobeamommy) but my guess what that when she said "loss"... she probably didn't realize she upset you so much, but that is just a guess, you know her best. I don't think anyone would want to upset someone going through this on purpose. I know my daughter doesn't understand why she is upsetting me so much when she questions me about it. My hubby has not told one person. He leaves work all the time for "appointments" and he thinks that they don't know what he is up to.. lol. I told him that he should just say to his boss that we are going through IVF and I have appointments that I have to be at.

08-21-2008, 10:28 PM	#1 (permalink)
IWantToBeAMommy 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: CA Posts: 1,417 Blog Entries: 10	Do you tell your IRL friends about your IF journey Just in case, IRL stands for in real life and IF is infertility. I have not. I only told one friend about my recent miscarriage and this was her response (http://www3.fertilethoughts.com/foru...d.php?t=598841). So I decied to keep it to myself, family, and my friends here at FT __________________ J (30) Twin boys born at 37 weeks, 2 days!

08-22-2008, 10:43 AM	#6 (permalink)
IWantToBeAMommy 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: CA Posts: 1,417 Blog Entries: 10	child mentioned I am totally for talking about it. I don't think IVF should be the "secret". But for me, other than close family and friends here at FT (and the ladies at the clinic), others don't understand. I try to understand for my friend who I wrote about, but I haven't heard from her since then. I have not called her because I can't even think of the words to say to her. I emailed and I actually sent her a card last week as a olive branch but I heard nothing from her. I think I should be the mad/confused one but I am trying to save our friendship. But then again, maybe she is just busy. Or pregnant? Maybe that is why she didn't tell me? Hmmm.. just thought of that one. I was the first person she called when she got pregnant with her son.... Maybe she is trying to be kind. Oh well, my birthday coming up soon, I should at least be getting a phone call or card from her soon. Last year, she tried to teach her little son how to say happy birthday to me on the phone. This year he should be old enough to say it. Oops... a little off topic. Have a nice day everyone! __________________ J (30) Twin boys born at 37 weeks, 2 days!

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08-21-2008, 11:07 PM	#2 (permalink)
rrandle2 Registered User Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 65	Yes only b/c I can't hold ice water! I try to keep it secret but it slips.

08-22-2008, 05:06 AM	#3 (permalink)
shannazta Registered User Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Georgia Posts: 131	My best friend knows about our struggle that only keeps getting longer and longer. None of our family knows because my mom would call constantly and bug me. Not to mention that she cannot keep her mouth shut.

08-22-2008, 05:40 AM	#4 (permalink)
undertheradar Registered User Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Boston Posts: 45	I've only talked about it via this and another forum. Some of our closest friends know that we've been TTC, but we've been vague about what we're doing and when. The closest in folks know that "we're thinking about IVF...", when in reality we've gone through a full cycle. My folks don't know a thing about our TTC struggles. They politely don't ask. DW's parents know (they're a little more open about those things) but like our friends, they don't know any specifics. I've hesitated to tell anyone because I'm just not up for the random inquiries, especially after bad news. If they knew the timing of the cycles, we'd have to field those well-meaning phone calls.

08-22-2008, 09:40 AM	#5 (permalink)
mamamolly 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: California Posts: 3,587	I do talk about it-- partly because I'm a blabbermouth, and partly because it bugs me how we often feel like we can't/shouldn't talk about this, as if it's something shameful, when it's a legitimate medical condition like anything else. So, I decided that anyone that I would talk to about my (hypothetical) diabetes, I'll talk to about this. Granted, I don't always tell most people every gory detail and I don't tell most people specific dates of things, but I do fill people in. I can completely understand, though, why many people don't talk about this.

08-22-2008, 10:56 AM	#7 (permalink)
pepper 5000-9999 post king of hearts Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: GA Posts: 9,365 Blog Entries: 103	Yes I do share because I enjoy seeing the looks on their faces and the inspiration it brings. If I had children conceived by IF treatment (I do not) I might not, because it's not something everyone needs to know. I tell people who ask or insinuate that we had no trouble. When we were going through IVF, I told everyone because I was so excited about the potential results. It's also kinda hard to hide a medicine bag that needs to be refrigerated/cool!

08-22-2008, 05:24 PM	#8 (permalink)
babyprayers 600-699 post 8 of hearts Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Indiana Posts: 627	I do tell my friends, and most of them are very very supportive about it. Everyone at my work knows because a few people can't keep their mouths shut and everyone wants to know why I carry a cooler with syringes around; but they are also very supportive, not to mention intrigued by it. There's so many people who ask me questions and really want to know all about the process. I don't get too specific with them; it's hard for them to completely understand everything (ex what ER entails and why I have to go to RE's office every other day).

08-22-2008, 08:25 PM	#9 (permalink)
marypahl#13 Registered User Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Minnesota Posts: 624	I have told people in the past (we have been in the IF train for 10 years now...). However, not everyone knows everything. And some people know nothing. I gauge how well they can keep their mouths shut (not because I don't want them to know of our struggles, but because the rumor mills in some circles are much more "creative" than others that can stick to the truth.) for example, a good friend going through IF knows EVERY gory detail. My inlaws know nothing. One of my 4 sisters knows, just because I don't want them to have to deal with the heartbreak if we don't succeed. They knew about our previous endeavors. I think it is a very personal issue, based on many factors, and there's not one single right or wrong way of dealing with this "IRL". As long as you have some support system, be it online or in real life, that's the most important part. Mary

08-22-2008, 08:45 PM	#10 (permalink)
lisette 400-499 post 6 of hearts Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 463	I pick and choose who I tell. I have a 20 year old daughter who knows only because she lives in the same house. It is very difficult because she asks me questions all the time and she doesn't understand what I am going through. I think that if I told everyone, it would be the same thing all the time from them... "are you pregnant yet". I don't want to have to deal with that because when you say "NO" then what do they say next??? They don't know what to say so it makes it very awkward. I don't know your friend (Iwanttobeamommy) but my guess what that when she said "loss"... she probably didn't realize she upset you so much, but that is just a guess, you know her best. I don't think anyone would want to upset someone going through this on purpose. I know my daughter doesn't understand why she is upsetting me so much when she questions me about it. My hubby has not told one person. He leaves work all the time for "appointments" and he thinks that they don't know what he is up to.. lol. I told him that he should just say to his boss that we are going through IVF and I have appointments that I have to be at.