I totally lost it yesterday...

**Anira** · 10-06-2005, 12:26 AM

DH was working late last night.

I was alone at home, and was watching some TV. Then this ad comes on (one that I've watched like a hundred times already) with this Mom and the most beautiful little girl blowing bubbles...and I lost it!

I was bawling my eyes out. I just could not stop sobbing.
I went to bed at 7pm, and continued crying. All sorts of things kept coming into my mind...

The doctor said that all my b/w this cycle was perfect, the thaw was perfect, the embies were perfect, the transfer went perfectly...and then it struck me...my "not so perfect" body will let me down AGAIN!

It hurts so much to see DH with his niece. He loves her to bits, and she him. Whenever I see them together, I feel this lump in my throat...he'll make such a great Dad...

And the I did it...I got up and went to POAS (Clearview Easy).
At 12dp2dt it was negative.

I'm still numb. When DH came home, I pretended to be asleep. I have not told him yet...I cannot...

I'm still taking my E2 & P4 meds. I'll still go in for Beta on Saturday...maybe this way is just easier...I know what to expect...

Love to all
Anira

**Superduck** · 10-06-2005, 12:41 AM

I know the disappointment you must be feeling.

I have the same thing too. We've been trying for more than a year. To make things worst, my DH is based in another country and trying the natural way just isn't possible.

We've decided on IVF and this is my first try after 2 failed IUIs with clomid. I'm on my 17dpt and just couldn't wait for the blood test, which is tomorrow. I was so hopeful after reading this site (all the symptoms seems to fall into place) that I did a hpt which came out to be a BFN! I'm sad and disappointed but I consoled myself by saying that this is not the right one.

I did a naughty thing last night and carried my daughter (2.5 yrs appox 15 kg) as she was crying. After that, my tum hurts as if something was just going to fall!

Now, my tum feels full and pressure on my uterus. I know AF will be visiting soon. Am also feeling thirsty and poking pains in the side. But anyway, will still go for the blood test just to be sure.

I'm hanging in there and keeping my chin up. You should too!!

Sending hugs your way.

**bambini** · 10-06-2005, 02:12 AM

Anira I'm so sorry.
hope you feel better soon.
i know theres nothing i can say to make things easier but if you need an ear I'm here.

Tania
BFP #1 IVF

sep 2005

**Kalyn** · 10-06-2005, 05:41 AM

Anira

I can't believe it ... is there some way the hpt could be wrong

. I know Karen will say it is still too early and it could be a false negative, so I don't want you to lose hope altogether, but I also don't want to try and give you false hope ... just know I HATE those darn things

and am so sorry that you are going through this now. Is there any way you could go in earlier for a bloodtest before Saturday? Please let me know as soon as you get some more news.

Hang in there
Lots of love
Kalyn
xxxx

**SomedayMommy** · 10-06-2005, 05:48 AM

Oh, Anira

.....there have been tests that are 14dpo that have been wrong. I refuse to believe any different until that official beta result comes in, ok?

**thebabyproject** · 10-06-2005, 06:05 AM

It doesn't sound like you held it for 4 hours or used "first morning urine".

So, it doesn't count. Not accurate.

Though I'm with you on the being down and feeling out. My cycle-o-meter has gone from "maybe it worked" to "maybe it didn't" today. My perky attitude is perked out.

Hugs and hang in there and may good things surprise you.

Emily

**kathyMullins001** · 10-06-2005, 06:07 AM

Hey Anira.... well, unfortunately, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I am 11dp3dt today, so actually on the same day as you since you are 12dp2dt. Its just so very heartbreaking. I hope that for some reason, your HPT is wrong, but I've used two brands, different boxes, multiple tests...etc. and they all are very clearly negative. Not even the slightest hint of a second line. So I know its over for me. I'm going to see if I can get my blood test tomorrow so I can stop taking all these drugs. Oh, yeah, and also so I can get drunk this weekend. How very responsible of me, eh?

**KSLS** · 10-06-2005, 06:18 AM

I did exactly the same thing yesterday at 12dp2dt. Just couldn't stop crying, totally negative thoughts, etc. The HPT could be wrong for any number of reasons so there is still hope but I totally agree with wanting to know what to expect. Especially if it might be a BFN. But even if you did get a faint line it could still be a BFN. We all just have to wait for beta day for the final word. It's excruciating, no doubt. But you have us all to lean on and there are a big bunch of us having betas today, tomorrow and Saturday and I think almost all of us has posted the same thing: big doubts, incredible sadness that our cycle didn't work, what to do from here. You are not alone.

**TinyTrudy** · 10-06-2005, 06:22 AM

I'm sorry your feeling this way Anira. I really have high hopes for your cycle and don't know what to say. i"m not in a good mood today so I can't think of anything but know your in my thoughts and prayers.

**brookles76** · 10-06-2005, 06:47 AM

So sorry Anira,

Like somedaymommy said....let's hold out and wait and see what the beta says. There are no words for how miserable you are feeling. Know that we support you and are here to lean on.

I totally lost it yesterday...

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