I'm doing everything I possibly can, this much I *know* to be true. (really long)

MartiGirlNY · 06-07-2005, 09:54 AM

We all are. Aren't we? We ARE or I doubt we'd even be here ........ (lurkers included) be it to garner strength or gather information ....... or just to gain that *all important* piece of truth that you are not alone on this seemingly *lonley* road of Infertility. You're not! We're here too, with you. We hold cyber hands, even if it be in cyber silence.

In any event, I'm here, clasping cyber hands, in cyber silence most of the time, as I usually lurk these daze. I just feel too friggin' vulnerable to post.

I do what I can do, period. Thanks from the bottom of my crackled, fragile, piece meal, little heart

to all of you for being here. (even those whose posts I vehemently disagree with~ and there HAVE been a few of those as of late!)

I'm mid cycle, and frankly it's not going too well.

But it is going ......... and that in itself is a mini miracle. ( If there is such a thing ...... kinda sounds like an oxy-moron, don'tcha think? )

I'm *only* making, definately 4 and maybe 5 or 6, follices. We all know the numbers continue to diminish ... through retrevial, (not all follies have eggies in em) fertilization reports, ( not all eggies fertilize) and dividability/viability for transfer (not all embies divide and grow). So, it feels hard to grasp and subsequently *hold on* to numbers starting out so low, hard, BUT doable. This journey has been my greatest test of strength to date.

It truly ONLY does take one, just one little embie makes a beautiful little miracle in 9 months time. I

I've got one of those potential eggies growing in there.

I had a new (and weird) protocol this time round; I took a huge shot (3ml) of cetrotide 10 days post LH surge after my last AF, waited for AF to arrive (4 days later) and was a CD2 start. It (cetrotide) severly shuts down your natural FSH production/ovarian function and allegedly aligns all possible antral follicles to eliminate a dominant follicle from being recruited. I *suppose* it has worked, as all my follies yesterday were 16's and17's. However it is a really l o n g protocol; I usually stim for 8 to 10 days and this is stim day 12~ I go in again today for bw/us and will likely triggger tmro. My estimated calander from the RE put stim time as long as 14 days, it looks like I'll go 13. So be it. Some things (so darn many!!!) we just can't control. I *believe my body is not liking the repronex

jmho (shoulda went to med school)

This will be my 4th fresh IVF, for the love of G-d, that's a lot. I had success with number 2 but as you can see from my siggie I have no LC. Second trimester loss for me.

I'm 40, my odds are getting lower and lower as the days and months pass. So sad. Yet nothing I can 'bout that, beyond what I'm doing now. I've done all I can in this life, and it's been "the right thing" at that time.

I met my dh late in life, period. and lemme tell you ladies < I got the cream of the crop! crem de la crem. An A#1 stand up human being, so I sure wouldn't change that, he's my rock, my greatest fan, and clearly the love of my life. In large part, I do this for him, out of love. If he were not in the picture I'd be on a plane to China to adopt a little girl in a proverbial New York minute!. I've oft been quoted saying "I have no particular need to push a bowling ball out of my vagina"

but to bring dh's kid into this world, I'd push till the cows came home (and y'all know I'm from New York so that's a long a$$ time) OK, OK so I'm in San Francisco Bay Area now, but NYC will ALWAYS be *home* and I haven't exactly seen many cows navigating the Golden Gate Bridge since I got here anyhoo!

Alright I've babbled long enough ...... I'm doing everything I posibly can; I'm being brave (even tho I don't feel it) and showing up for life, that in and of itself is very gratifing.

In the event I *can't* give birth to my own biological child I will know in my heart I have done all I can to try to make that possible. It's funny but having been on this road for *some time* now I see the exit signs more and more frequently ...... Donor egg~ 6 miles ....... Adoption~ 14 miles ...... Living Child-Free~25 miles ...... I'm still on "the road", but the end is in sight ...... I want off, but will do all I possibly can to get off at the exit of my choice ........ Healthy pregnancy, followed by live birth and take-home baby ....... 2 miles up the road.

I think of you all here at FT on this road with me and *hope* and pray for each of you to reach your *dream exit* every day.

See ya!

MartiGirl

SomedayMommy · 06-07-2005, 10:23 AM

Marti, sweetie, I always LOVE your analogies. I'm so glad that you posted this update. I had no idea you were so far along in your cycle. And oh yeah...you forgot an exit...Next right.IVF#4 Healthy take home baby

moe2 · 06-07-2005, 10:29 AM

Hi!

Loved your post and just wanted to say that it really does only take 1 good embryo! I was a really low responder too! At my first u/s, I only had 3 follies! We ended up retrieving 7 eggs... 2 were immature. Of the 5 remaining, we had 3 good embries! We transfered on 5/16 and got our BFP on the 28th!! Hang in there and stay on your current road... it just may lead you right to your little bitty piece of heaven! I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers!

Emily

AnnetteG · 06-07-2005, 10:35 AM

Bless your heart, Marti.

You deserve nothing less than ultimate success.

NicoleK · 06-07-2005, 10:36 AM

Sending lots of hugs to you my sweet Marti.

Nicole

Lisa555 · 06-07-2005, 10:46 AM

I loved your post, too. Can also relate - will be on #4 myself and a very similar, if not the same protocol.

Very best of luck to you...

Lisa

mathgeek · 06-07-2005, 10:52 AM

Your post brought tears to my eyes, so beautifully written. I hope your dream exit comes soon with this cycle!
Best wishes always,
Tara

Stefanie · 06-07-2005, 10:55 AM

I'm one of those "lurkers", a fellow former NY'er (though closer than you), who has followed your journey. I hope you don't mind.
Anyway, I want to let you know I am hoping, praying and pulling for you!
THIS IS IT!!!!!

Stefanie

MegSD · 06-07-2005, 11:33 AM

Marti,

Again - another wonderfully written (and inspirational) post - thanks

Quote:

I'm doing everything I posibly can; I'm being brave (even tho I don't feel it) and showing up for life, that in and of itself is very gratifing.

- You hit the nail on the head here. We only live ONE time, and you ARE showing up for life - no question about it. Good for you

Now, is a carbon copy of your DH available for sale somewhere?? How about if I "borrowed" him to show my DH how he's supposed to act - LOL?!?!

Good luck my friend... I'll be cheering & praying 'till you bring him/her home,
Meg

nandu · 06-07-2005, 11:58 AM

Dearest Marti, I have been thinking of you a lot lately. It astounds me sometimes what perfectly good people have to face in life.

Don’t look now, but I’m about 6 miles up from you on this dastardly highway and searching like mad to get out of the left lane. I so know how hard it is to keep up the hope (that IS there) when things are seeming less than you’d hoped. But I couldn’t want this any more for you if I tried. Your bravery (even when you feel it least, especially when you feel it least) has always inspired me. You’ve somehow helped to light the way for me. And showed me that we’ll get there, spirit intact (tattered perhaps, but intact).

I haven’t been around much myself lately. Busy, work, life, self-preservation…. take your pick. Hope you are going to be around a bit in the next coupl’a weeks though. You’ll be one day ahead of me and with any luck will lead the way to the other side. All the way this time.

So much love and whatever peace you can find,
Rhea

06-07-2005, 09:54 AM	#1 (permalink)
MartiGirlNY 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Beyond Reason Posts: 3,237 Blog Entries: 1	*I'm doing everything I possibly can, this much I know* to be true. (really long) We all are. Aren't we? We ARE** or I doubt we'd even be here ........ (lurkers included) be it to garner strength or gather information ....... or just to gain that all important piece of truth that you are not alone on this seemingly lonley road of Infertility. You're not! We're here too, with you. We hold cyber hands, even if it be in cyber silence. In any event, I'm here, clasping cyber hands, in cyber silence most of the time, as I usually lurk these daze. I just feel too friggin' vulnerable to post. I do what I can do, period. Thanks from the bottom of my crackled, fragile, piece meal, little heart to all of you for being here. (even those whose posts I vehemently disagree with~ and there HAVE been a few of those as of late!) I'm mid cycle, and frankly it's not going too well. But it is going ......... and that in itself is a mini miracle. ( If there is such a thing ...... kinda sounds like an oxy-moron, don'tcha think? ) I'm only making, definately 4 and maybe 5 or 6, follices. We all know the numbers continue to diminish ... through retrevial, (not all follies have eggies in em) fertilization reports, ( not all eggies fertilize) and dividability/viability for transfer (not all embies divide and grow). So, it feels hard to grasp and subsequently hold on to numbers starting out so low, hard, BUT doable. This journey has been my greatest test of strength to date. It truly ONLY does take one, just one little embie makes a beautiful little miracle in 9 months time. I I've got one of those potential eggies growing in there. I had a new (and weird) protocol this time round; I took a huge shot (3ml) of cetrotide 10 days post LH surge after my last AF, waited for AF to arrive (4 days later) and was a CD2 start. It (cetrotide) severly shuts down your natural FSH production/ovarian function and allegedly aligns all possible antral follicles to eliminate a dominant follicle from being recruited. I suppose it has worked, as all my follies yesterday were 16's and17's. However it is a really l o n g protocol; I usually stim for 8 to 10 days and this is stim day 12~ I go in again today for bw/us and will likely triggger tmro. My estimated calander from the RE put stim time as long as 14 days, it looks like I'll go 13. So be it. Some things (so darn many!!!) we just can't control. I believe my body is not liking the repronex jmho (shoulda went to med school) This will be my 4th fresh IVF, for the love of G-d, that's a lot. I had success with number 2 but as you can see from my siggie I have no LC. Second trimester loss for me. I'm 40, my odds are getting lower and lower as the days and months pass. So sad. Yet nothing I can 'bout that, beyond what I'm doing now. I've done all I can in this life, and it's been "the right thing" at that time. I met my dh late in life, period. and lemme tell you ladies < I got the cream of the crop! crem de la crem. An A#1 stand up human being, so I sure wouldn't change that, he's my rock, my greatest fan, and clearly the love of my life. In large part, I do this for him, out of love. If he were not in the picture I'd be on a plane to China to adopt a little girl in a proverbial New York minute!. I've oft been quoted saying "I have no particular need to push a bowling ball out of my vagina" but to bring dh's kid into this world, I'd push till the cows came home (and y'all know I'm from New York so that's a long a$$ time) OK, OK so I'm in San Francisco Bay Area now, but NYC will ALWAYS be home* and I haven't exactly seen many cows navigating the Golden Gate Bridge since I got here anyhoo! Alright I've babbled long enough ...... I'm doing everything I posibly can; I'm being brave (even tho I don't feel it) and showing up for life, that in and of itself is very gratifing. In the event I can't give birth to my own biological child I will know in my heart I have done all I can to try to make that possible. It's funny but having been on this road for some time now I see the exit signs more and more frequently ...... Donor egg~ 6 miles ....... Adoption~ 14 miles ...... Living Child-Free~25 miles ...... I'm still on "the road", but the end is in sight ...... I want off, but will do all I possibly can to get off at the exit of my choice ........ Healthy pregnancy, followed by live birth and take-home baby ....... 2 miles up the road. I think of you all here at FT on this road with me and hope and pray for each of you to reach your dream exit every day. See ya! MartiGirl __________________ Marti~Little Stevie b/d 4/23/04Forever in our "The bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you refuse to take the turn." Last edited by MartiGirlNY; 06-07-2005 at 09:59 AM.

06-07-2005, 10:23 AM	#2 (permalink)
SomedayMommy 10000-15000 post ace of hearts Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: NE Ohio Posts: 16,194 Blog Entries: 75	Marti, sweetie, I always LOVE your analogies. I'm so glad that you posted this update. I had no idea you were so far along in your cycle. And oh yeah...you forgot an exit...Next right.IVF#4 Healthy take home baby __________________ Stacie(37) DH(30) Bilateral hydros (cauterized), elevated dheas IVF#1 8/02 BFN -- IVF#2 3/05 BFN -- FET#1 6/05 BFN IVF#3 9/05 BFP Ben 4/29/06 -- FET#2 11/07 BFN IVF#4 5/08 BFP Ashley 1/2/09

06-07-2005, 10:46 AM	#6 (permalink)
Lisa555 500-599 post 7 of hearts Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Connecticut Posts: 585	I loved your post, too. Can also relate - will be on #4 myself and a very similar, if not the same protocol. Very best of luck to you... Lisa __________________ Me-40/DH - 42 IVF #1-3 BFN IVF#4 -BFP Nicholas Jay born 4/22/06 TTC #2 - IVF #5 BFN IVF #6 - m/c at 8 weeks IVF#7 - BFP -Caroline Grace born 11/2/07

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06-07-2005, 10:29 AM	#3 (permalink)
moe2 Registered User Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 80	Hi! Loved your post and just wanted to say that it really does only take 1 good embryo! I was a really low responder too! At my first u/s, I only had 3 follies! We ended up retrieving 7 eggs... 2 were immature. Of the 5 remaining, we had 3 good embries! We transfered on 5/16 and got our BFP on the 28th!! Hang in there and stay on your current road... it just may lead you right to your little bitty piece of heaven! I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers! Emily

06-07-2005, 10:35 AM	#4 (permalink)
AnnetteG 5000-9999 post king of hearts Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Big Sky Country Posts: 9,697 Blog Entries: 149	Bless your heart, Marti. You deserve nothing less than ultimate success.

06-07-2005, 10:36 AM	#5 (permalink)
NicoleK Registered User Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Southern Ontario Posts: 4,572	Sending lots of hugs to you my sweet Marti. Nicole

06-07-2005, 10:52 AM	#7 (permalink)
mathgeek 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Definately NOT the North Pole! Posts: 3,112	Your post brought tears to my eyes, so beautifully written. I hope your dream exit comes soon with this cycle! Best wishes always, Tara

06-07-2005, 10:55 AM	#8 (permalink)
Stefanie 10000-15000 post ace of hearts Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 10,780 Blog Entries: 17	I'm one of those "lurkers", a fellow former NY'er (though closer than you), who has followed your journey. I hope you don't mind. Anyway, I want to let you know I am hoping, praying and pulling for you! THIS IS IT!!!!! Stefanie

06-07-2005, 11:58 AM	#10 (permalink)
nandu 5000-9999 post king of hearts Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Quebec City Posts: 6,110	Dearest Marti, I have been thinking of you a lot lately. It astounds me sometimes what perfectly good people have to face in life. Don’t look now, but I’m about 6 miles up from you on this dastardly highway and searching like mad to get out of the left lane. I so know how hard it is to keep up the hope (that IS there) when things are seeming less than you’d hoped. But I couldn’t want this any more for you if I tried. Your bravery (even when you feel it least, especially when you feel it least) has always inspired me. You’ve somehow helped to light the way for me. And showed me that we’ll get there, spirit intact (tattered perhaps, but intact). I haven’t been around much myself lately. Busy, work, life, self-preservation…. take your pick. Hope you are going to be around a bit in the next coupl’a weeks though. You’ll be one day ahead of me and with any luck will lead the way to the other side. All the way this time. So much love and whatever peace you can find, Rhea