Mental Issues

[ItzMe]

I'm just venting and looking for advice on dealing with infertility issues. I am 35 and DH is 37. We've been ttc for 19 months and have never seen a BFP. We have unexplained infertility. Last month was our first try at IUI (with 50 mg Clomid and HCG injection). RE told me I responded as well as anyone has to the Clomid. I had 7 eggs (5 were good size and 2 probably weren't big enough), good lining and sperm count & movement were good. I was totally expecting a BFP, after all there was no good reason not to get it as all stats were good + there is no good reason why we aren't able to conceive on our own. The disappointment from AF was devestating. Today I had another IUI and will have one tomorrow too. This month we have 4 eggs (20, 17 or 18, 16.2 and 14) DH sperm count was 75 mil today. I'm at a cross roads here as I want to be positive but at the same time I just keep thinking if it didn't work last time why should I expect it to work this time especially since there aren't as many eggs. When we went to the RE this morning there were 22 people in the waiting room. I never realized how many people struggle with infertility issues. RE said 1 in 6 couples but it is almost like mental illness because people don't talk about it in public. I have found this to be true. Since we're older, many of our friends and family just assume we don't want children since we don't have any. When they do find out we are dealing with fertility issues they just change the subject right away. I always struggle when people ask when we're going to start a family. If you bring up infertility it makes the conversation uncomfortable and if I don't then I feel like I'm hiding something and have something to be embarrased about. I feel like everyone is sweeping us under the carpet. Does anyone else feel this way? More importantly, any suggestions on how to cope with this?

[msr31md]

Dear Itz Me:

First of all, sorry that you, too, are on this messy TTC journey! And it sounds like you respond well to the meds which is great--sometimes it just takes more than one cycle even if everything looks good.

I understand how you feel about talking about things--is it more friends or more family giving you this feeling? It can be so hard to talk about it, but I have found the more I talk about it openly and unashamedly, the more I find out a lot other people are going through or have gone through the exact same thing. Like you said, it is so common these days so that makes sense, but a few people have really surprised me. I have found that if I am not ashamed--I don't give other people that uncomfortable vibe--people seem to really understand. I would try to a find maybe 1 or 2 people that you feel can be straight with and talk them openly about what is going on--you may be pleasantly surprised. You have nothing to be embarrassed about--this a medical problem--not somethingyou did.

And if you don't feel comfortable with that, well...that's what we are all here for--you can *always* vent here!

Good luck and baby dust to you!
--Micol (TTC #1)

[dutchgirl]

We've all been there! There are so many stories here of "perfect" cycles that don't result in pg...but also many of seemingly hopeless cylces that have brought sweet little babies into this world. Hang in there - you will get your BFP!!

As far as dealing with IF - bottom line - it sucks! My DS was conceived via IUI and out of mine and DH's big families only my sister and her hubby know about our troubles. Luckily I had a few close friend and FT to count on. There were different reasons for my not telling people - the embarassment, and shame....and also...I just hate having people feel bad for me. Empathy is ok, but I don't want to be pitied. Yes, I have fertility issues but all I want is someone to listen and support me. FT has done wonders for me. I have actually recently "come out of the closet" to a few others about my IF now that we are ttc #2. As Micol mentioned, once you start being open about it, people really do understand. I guess it's like any other ailment. We all have our crosses to bear.

It's funny - I have two relatively close friends who went through IF (both are IVF'ers) and I never told them about me! I would give them each information and act like it came from the other one (they don't know each other). So - I can definitely relate. Don't ask me why I didn't share with them. I think it was mostly because they weren't people I felt would keep quiet about it. They were very open about their issues and that's just not me. I didn't want them being open about my issues and telling others about me.

Ok - this novel is probably more than you bargained for but I wanted to let you know we are all in this together. Keep the faith!

Good luck this cycle and keep us posted!
Lisa

p.s. you are right - it is amazing how many people struggle with IF.

[kielfamily3]

Hi, itz me,
I wish I could give you some profound advice to help you out, but the truth is I am still trying to figure out how to deal with all of this in a "good" way that won't leave me depressed and too hopeful every month!
Try to stay hopeful and have positive thoughts that it will happen. There is no reason for it not to, it just hasn't been your time yet.
I have also found it helpful to read and gather as much information I can about everything in IF. I found that the dr doesn't know some of this stuff, or won't tell you if you don't ask the right questions.
Also, the success rate for IUI's is pretty high. My RE's office told me that around 80-85% of people were pg by the 3rd or 4th IUI.
So, hang in there and vent to us all you want!!!
As far as telling people and everything, I do tell quite a few people around me. (church friends, friends, family) I have found it helpful to me that they know I am going thru something really hard and need support. Unfortunately, you have to be ready for people to surprise you in good ways and bad. They don't always know what to say and can be pretty hurtful. My own mother is still telling me to "just relax" and it will happen.
Good luck!!
Nicole

[catmom]

I think LWA said it best - it sucks! Sorry you have to go through it.

I also am 35, and now that I've had my endo removed w/ a laparoscopy, my IF also is considered "unexplained." I'm on my sixth IUI (third after the lap). I feel lucky to have my tests come back normal, but it's frustrating to supposedly be fine yet not be pregnant.

SO many women have had success with IUI, probably most with fewer eggs than 4. It only takes one, so there's no reason you can't have a BFP this month!

It is shocking how many people struggle with IF, but I read somewhere that 90% of people who want to have a baby will go on to have one. Considering all of your positive factors, I bet you'll be in the 90%!

I wish I could help you on the issue of talking to people. I have told very few people, not because I'm embarrassed but because it's just too hard to talk about most of the time. When I'm asked when we're going to start a family, I just tell them, "I'm not sure." A vague answer like that, especially at our age, usually shuts them up.

Hang in there and take really good care of yourself, physically and mentally. You're definitely not alone in this!

Catmom
TTC #1 since 3/02
Dx - endo
IUI w/ Clomid x3 - BFN (late 2003)
IVF (1 fresh, 1 frozen) - BFN (early 2004)
New doctor, laparoscopy 9/04
IUI w/ Clomid & injectables x2 - BFN (11/04, 12/04)
IUI w/ Follistim - test on 1/26

[Loraflo]

This is an interesting thread. I struggled with whether to tell people or not. When I told my in-laws a bit of what we were going through, my mil was empathetic (she's a nurse), but I regretted telling them later. I know they want a grandchild and now I feel like a failure to a degree. Intellectually I know I'm going the best I can, but I know they want a grandchild almost as much as we want a child.

Anyway, these boards have been a lifesaver for me because although my dh has been wonderful throughout, he sometimes get's into the mode of thinking he must solve the problem--and of course he can't. On these boards, we can endlessly fret about things without putting our partners in an awkward position. I hope that makes sense.

[ItzMe]

Thank you everyone for responding. It really helps to know I'm not alone in this journey. Everyone's comments have helped. I feel lucky to have stumbled onto this board where it is ok to talk share thoughts and feelings with others that are going through the same thing.

[DrAussieMom]

This may sound silly, but I startd a blog this week. I read Lisa's (LWA), and I thought it was great. I started my own, and it not only puts a spot where you can put your feelings, it also is a place where I can put it and know that I am not burdening others. My DH is great, but he can only talk so much about it. It is nice and has been a relief for me (though I just started ).

[Audrey's mom]

Itsme,

first of all I want to thank you for starting this wonderful thread. FT is the perfect place to talk about these things. I was also devastated after my first BFN. I had just had a LAP that removed scar tissue and a polyp in my uterous and I had responded well to the meds (8 follies) and dh's counts were good. I couldn't believe it didn't work. It took me 2 months before I could gather up the courage to try again. I have been where you are and it is not fun. During my 3 years ttc#1 I had to endure many co-workers, family and friends pg's. I cried a lot. My dh cried with me. IF is a grueling journey. I shared my struggles with a select few family members and friends. I was ashamed, embarrassed, angry, sad and hopeless for 3 long years. I kicked myself over & over for not starting ttc earlier. Dh & I were married when I was 34, but we had so much relationship stuff to work out before I felt secure in starting a family with him. We got serious when I was 37 and I got pg at 40. I believe in miracles. Don't lose hope. IF is a common topic these days. Look at Brooke Shields & Courteny Cox. Even the show Friends dealt with the issue. Alcoholism used to be an unrecognized and shameful issue and now it's commonplace to discuss AA.

Well, this has turned into a novel. My suggestion is to be good to yourself. Don't beat yourself up like I did. And keep venting here at FT. This place is heaven.

love,
Cheryl