Job Offer Blues - vent

[Pat in St Louis]

Hi,

I got a pretty good job offer, and I should be happy. I am thankful, but mostly sad about it. I was laid-off in January from the only place I ever worked, and I had been there so long, I had lots of vacation and other personal days off and so on. This new place has only 2 weeks vacation a year, and I'm not supposed to have ANY for the first 6 months (though the hiring manager said they're not too literal about that). Also, the commute is kind of long (don't really know during rush hours, but I anticipate between 35 to 50 minutes).

The thing is, I LIKE to work, and I miss it, I just dread the daily alarm clock and being tied to a bloody cubicle for 9 hours a day, day in and day out. I know there must be good jobs at less than full time, but I need to provide the benefits for our family (DH's company doesn't really have any), so I'm pretty much stuck.

I was so close to a different job before that company declared a hiring freeze, that I think I'm still reeling from that - their building about a mile away from my house, and the pay and time off would have been significantly better.

Also, I'm going to miss Grace something fierce. DH bought some gifts for me today, and took me out to dinner to celebrate, but I don't think I was very cheerful.

I should probably be slapped for feeling the way I do, but I guess I was harboring fantasies of staying home or at least escaping the 8-5 grind. Of course, nothing says I can't continue to look for a better job, and DH could fall into something better, too, that might give me more options.

Really, I do realize I'm BLESSED by this opportunity, I had a great severance package that let me take my time looking for a job, and I got this offer right when we really needed it (we have to pay the full COBRA cost now, the company paid most of it for 6 months - very generous).

I'd welcome any words of advice or positive thoughts anyone can spare. I'm feeling guilty for NOT feeling joy about this.

Thanks,
Pat

[capeach]

First and foremost, DON'T feel guilty! Change is hard, even when it's good change. So, give yourself a break.

I'm sorry about that other job not panning out. I can see how it would be difficult to wrap your mind and heart around this job. And you're right, nothing says you can't keep looking for another job that is a better fit for you.

[mellymom]

"I got a pretty good job offer, and I should be happy. I am thankful, but mostly sad about it." boy does that sound like me this week.........


Pat, I've been home for 15 years, since Abi was born. I love being a SAHM, and as the kids are getting older, valueing it even more than I could even have ever guessed. Mom can you take me, mom can I have, mom can **** come over, and when they get off the bus, upset, it's mom, I hate my life. We take off at a moments notice sometimes. We are a pack.

For Kendell's adoption, on paper, I am a nightmare. Lar pays child support and gives me insurance and a bit of money until next spring. It basically covers just about everything. And it comes on time mostly. He visits the kids every other weekend. He's gone, but he is still taking care of his family in the way he is able, not so much emotionally or physically, but financially. So, with Kendell's per diem, we are okay financially around here. With Noah's gone, we tightened down a bit.

Here's the bummer......since I am single, live on support and per diem, financially I look bad. For the process, its asked of me if I could find work that would give me $ of my own. Not too terribly unreasonable. But Ugh, keep the house, kids, do all the work and then leave the house? Get 1 off to high school, 1 to jr high, 1 to elementary, 1 to preschool 2X/week, and find babysitting for a child placed with me for security and love in a family?????? Yet another moment in time when SAHM is considered not a job, even though we are financially secure. But the big question is what if he stopped paying. Well, I'd go 2 miles to the local school and sub 5x/week. But on paper, that's only in theory. Ugh. They've begged for 2 years we've been home for me to come out there, but I want to be here. That's a good plan, but having something right now would be better.

Good news. My guy friend (met him online when I tried online dating over a year ago) has a girlfriend who works in a Y. She has babysitting onsite and needs teachers for her elder classes. They also can use help in the babysitting. Front desk gets vacant sometimes and needs holes filled. Etc. I have the personality and the flexibility she can use. I am to meet with her this week to make a plan. Even the grant writing can use some other thoughts too. Really great girl who understands single parenting.

Now, I'm in your position. It can't be any better. I get to reach out, teach, enjoy elders or youngsters, use the gym (which I need since I am gaining back my wt from my divorce diet of 40#), let Annie and Kendell play outside the home........and that income of my own. Everythings perfect, but I just hate the idea of getting everyone on the bus and zipping out. It'll be crazy here in the AM. I should be able to get Annie to afternoon preschool anyway, and still come home to start dinners. But I'll be alot more busy, tired and lacking time to get chores done. Kids will be pitching in more.

All this in the name of love for my daughter to be. I understand wanting something different, but this potential job is awesome, I can do so many thing with it should it truly come about, but I'll miss being home, every minute for everything my kids want or need. But we need their sister most of all.

I hope things work out beautifully for you, in your heart and in the workplace.
melanie

[foelschg]

I'm sorry to hear about your job blues.

I'm with Mel, I haven't worked since Eric was a baby (I went back part time from the time he was 4 1/2 mos to 6 1/2 mos and I new it wasn't for me) and I can't imagine going back.

Have you looked for something part-time with benefits? Before kids I worked for a not-for-profit and while their pay scales are lower they usually have good benefits. A woman in my office worked 22 hours a week and still got benefits. I have another friend who works for one of the big medical clinics in our town (she's not a dr. -- she works in public relations or communications or something like that) and she also works part-time (30 hrs a week maybe?) with benefits (her husband is a Dr. at the same clinic and she has better family benefits working part-time than he does as a dr!).

Good luck -- I hope you find the right answer.

[Darci]

You are looking at a huge transition back into working full time, after having some time at home - of course you are going to feel unsure about it, sad about leaving Grace every day, overwhelmed about how you are going to manage to do it all. Hopefully either things will work out with this job, or you will find one that better suits you and your family's needs...but you won't know till you try how you will like it!!

I have never been a SAHM...so I don't know what that would be like. But I do know that you can have a job/career, and also have a successful family life. It takes a lot of work, and definitely some sacrafice, but I think that even if you have more limited family time, you can make it quality time, and that is what we strive for. I don't feel that our kids will remember the times that mommy had to work late - they will remember the nights we were together, or the things we do together on the weekends.

Good luck!

[CarolineM]

Pat

You have the right to feel whatever you feel - so don't be guilty about it please.
I bet many many of your friends here share your feelings.

I've been home pretty much since 1998 with the kids. I did do daycare in my home when Sabrina was a toddler for about a year but stopped before the boys came home. I've been on and off looking for work but everytime I come close I just can't stand the idea that I'm supposed to leave my family to be somewhere else - so I hear you. In fact, Monday I had a job interview for 16 hours a week and they offered it to me on the spot - it looked good on paper but I just couldn't do it.

Bottom line, it's really hard to have your body in one place and your heart in another. Perhaps just taking it as a day at a time will help? You're right you can keep looking and perhaps this will be a stop on the way to a great job/location/benefit package.

Please don't be hard on yourself and let us know how things work out.

Caroline

[larasmom]

i know when i went back to work full time after having lara i was so depressed about not being home with her anymore after being home with her for 5 months. luckily i worked for the fed govt and there was a daycare in the building. after we adopted aaron it made no sense for me to return to work. i was working for health insurance coverage for the family since dh owns his own business and has no workers....plus he is a diabetic and the insurance was outrageous. but seeing how little i was making as a secy full time, paying for 2 daycares plus parking monthly i was making less then i was paying out for all those things. we decided i would start working from home and starting a promotional items part of dh's printing company so i could be put down as an employee. it still costs a bit for the health insurance but we dont' have to pay as much and we still live comfortably without me working.

now that aaron is starting k and it is a full time program dh keeps asking me if i am going to go back to work at least part time somewhere. i did look for a PT job but the only things i could find to fit the hours of school would be to waitress or retail and i don't want to have to work nights or weekends so i told him i couldn't find anything and he hasn't brought it up again.

i have really brought in alot more business to his business by designing 2 really great products (awareness bracelet and dog tag necklace) that we sell wholesale to animal rescues all over the world for them to fundraise with. i also brought in lots of business with customized car magnets for schools all over the coutnry that they design with their school name and mascot that their PTA's use to fundraise for their schools.

[JJillie]

Hi Pat.

I am not a mom yet, but have made a few career decisions in my day. The most important thing is to take lots of time to think through the job offer - all the pros and cons. In doing so, you'll probably realize that you're "leaning" one way or another and your best bet may be to go with your instincts. I had an offer recently which looked good on paper, but when I thought it through, I realized I was just not excited about the job (and was actually dreading aspects of it - like the travel and the commute) and am now very happy I decided to stay where I am.

You mentioned that another opportunity had fallen through. Is this current offer your only option or do you work in a field / industry where your skills are in demand and you'll have other offers?

Also, you have an offer from a company. Again, I don't know what type of work you do, but there's nothing preventing you from making a "counter-offer". If this company really wants you, maybe there are some concessions it will make - three weeks' vacation instead of two; or two weeks, but you get that entitlement immediately - or both; if the commute is long, perhaps you could request to work from home one day a week or even two. Or could you work a reduced work week or a compressed work week? If you already have an offer, you're in the driver's seat and you may be able to negotiate better terms of employment. If you do decide to negotiate, you may risk p*ssing off your potential employer, so you'd have to be prepared for that possibility.

I hope it all works out for you.

Good luck with your career decisions too Mel.

[BC-Tracik]

I am sorry you are feeling down about the job and I am sure the transition back to work and the changes in benefits are not helping. When DH changed jobs we went from more vacation than we could use to barely enough to get us through the year and it has really taken some adjustments. He also ended up doubling his commute time and has to drive more often then before (took Lightrail before). I will say that now that it has been almost 2 years he is loving the job and all those benefit and commute things, while still a tad annoying, aren't as big as we feared.

Good luck and congratulations.

[Jami]

Hi Pat,
Change is very difficult, and I'm sure this is even harder since you've been home for awhile. Maybe part of the reason you don't feel too good about this new job is because of the uncertainty and the change. If you decide to take the position and find that you don't like it or are very unhappy, you can always continue to search for something you might like better and at the same time, be covered by the benefits and have the security of having a job. From experience, I know that hiring freezes come and go so perhaps your preferred position will open up again. I've seen this happen time and again being in the corporate world numerous years! Best of luck to you!