Update, just kind of need to sort out my feelings. (long)

[Princess Purr]

Rich and I have been talking in great length about what to do. We both are comfortable with international adoption, we know we want to do that and not domestic. I really like Guatemala....he is hooked on Russia. He agreed Guatemala was fine, and now he is having second thoughts. I'm not sure how to come to a commen ground with this, I do love Russia and there children, but the travel is really scaring me. I contacted an agency that was recommended by someone on here (thank you!) and they said they felt confident that with what I disclosed to them (hubby being on anti depressants, and us wanted to adopt two girls under 4) that there shouldn't be a problem.
I don't know what to do, the travel time is what is really scaring me with Russia, and with Guatemala that is a huge plus because it is a short trip or no trip, also Guatemala foster care instead of orphanges is a plus. But with guatemala we would be a multi-racial family which I personally do not view as a problem, but he is worried it will be hard on the kids. He doesn't want people to assume I had an affair, "with a spanish guy"! (I'm dark hair and eyes and he is blonde/green eyes).
I REALLY wanted to start getting the paper work done in the early fall, and I can't even get a country picked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hopefully one day I will look back and not beleave I was ever having these problems, but for now I just don't know what to do. I know we are young and we have time, we started dating in 1996(17 and 18), bought the house at 21, got married at 22, wanted to start my family when I was 23, it is coming up on three years and we are + 1 angel baby/no living children. Three years might not seem like along time, but when you are waiting it feels like forever I need a path, I need something to look forwared to, I was so in love with Guatemala adoption, so comfortable with the process, and now I feel like the rug was yacked out from under me!!! I guess we will end up going with Russia if he doesn't change his mind since i'm more flexable, but I'm SCARED of the traveling.
I just want to

[CarolineM]

Val I hear you. I know it's so hard to be patient and wait, wait, wait. I remember what that felt like and it was awful. That said, you and your dh have made great progress since you first came here and were just looking at the idea of adopting. That must be of comfort to you - and you have narrowed it down to two countries. More progress! So you see you ARE on the path to your child/children...so just keep having these discussions and learning about both options and you'll find yourself closer everyday. Having to discuss and comprise with your dh about ages, race, country doesn't make you any less likely to adopt - I'm betting that most of the families here have gone through the same process of working it out to find their best option - we have multiple times and have been blessed each time. Keep the faith! I seem to be the most relaxed myself when I remind myself that I have to quit thinking of our adoption experience as a destination when it is a journey.

Now about being scared to travel - it's okay to be scared. Again, I think many of us have been nervous about traveling overseas for an extended period of time but in the worse case you'll survive and in the best case you'll just treasure your travel experience. I just wanted to say it's okay to be afraid but don't let that stop you from considering all your options - moving through fear can be liberating so just keep the option of travel open for now.

As for becoming a multiracial/multicultural family - give your dh time to grow into the idea. Either he will or he won't become comfortable with the concept but this is important - not a little detail. It's a part of your everyday life...for us it's a comfortable part of our life but still a part. Yesterday I was at the park with my nephew and two sons. A little girl joined them on the play equipment and was playing hide and seek with my nephew but once she caught sight of my dark skinned Guatemalan-born sons she started chanting, "I don't like Spanish boys, don't like Spanish boys". So the race issue is there and you'll be SO much better off if you let dh find his way on this one.

I know it's frustrating and downright miserable to wait while your heart aches for a child. I know. I remember. Just keep ahold of the fact that you're on your way - maybe just at the very beginning but you're on your way to your little girls! Hope this helped a little and didn't sound like a lecture!

Caroline

[Princess Purr]

Thank you, that was very helpful and did not sound like a lecture at all.
That is awful that I little girl would yell I don't like spanish boys! You would think in this day people wouldn't say things like that!

[billysmom]

We adopted from Russia as a quasi-independent in 2000. Accreditation was just coming in. Agencies had to be accredited but there was no process in place to accom[lish that yet. At the same time the two trip process was taking hold. Trip 1 was 1 week and trip 2 was 3 weeks. Our trips were 13 weeks apart. It really wasn't too bad. We had a lot of great time together and being in our son's country of birth for a decent amount of time really gave us a love of Russia.

We are currently adopting from China. I leave in 1 week and five days. Whole different process and dynamic. I am really looking forward to the group travel aspect. I have found some new friends that I will be traveling with who live close by. We've been getting together quite regularly throughout the process.

[capeach]

Please don't let fear of flying/traveling influence your country choice! We're about to leave on our third trip to Kazakhstan in two years. To be honest, it is very tiring making such a long journey. But it is worth it! When all is said and done, we'll have spent almost 7 weeks in the town where our children are from. That is priceless, and we'll treasure that time forever.

[Irishcreme]

I agree with what the other ladies have said. I hate flying but feel a little more comfortable with since our trips to Guatemala. however, my ds yelling "May Day, May Day, We're going down" on take off in flurries (when we visited in Jan of 04) didn't really help much. Luckily those sitting around us found him humerous.

I'm also scared of traveling out of the US. I was petrified to go to Guatemala but once we got there and saw how nice hte people were and that most of the hotel staff spoke English or tried I was much better. I still needed some hand holding and wasn't comfortable traveling around there much the first trip.

I must say that I'm scared to death to go to China but am also very Excited at going there.

I just had someone tell me "Your daughter is really cute! she must look like your husband?" I just said yep she does. He's dark hair and dark eyes. Anyway, what was going through my head was "I'm not cute?" It took me a moment to realize what she meant. I'm very fair with stwbry red hair.

I wish you the best!!

[Pat in St Louis]

I know it is difficult to wait, but you both really do need to give these ideas serious thought.
The race issue is no small concern. You will be easy to spot as an adoptive family. Your grandchildren will be of a different race, too. Your family will be changed by this forever after.
Of course, I wouldn't change my course of action even for a heartbeat! I don't mind being conspicuous, I'm still so giddy about adoption that I usually enjoy being stopped to talk about it! Also, I know how genetics work, and there is no way dh and I could have produced such a gorgeous wonderful creature as our daughter!
As for the travel concerns. It is daunting, tiring, and sometimes scary, but it is such a temporary condition. Unless you can't spare the time out of the US, then I hope that doesn't stop you from choosing Russia. We were interested in Kaz, but I couldn't swing the time in-country with my job.
Sorry about this rambling reply, but I just wanted to be clear that you are doing the right thing about picking the country who's program is right for you. That is the first of the 2 vital choices (country first, then agency 2nd).

Good Luck!
Pat

[KerryK]

I'm so sorry, Val! It is so hard when you want to move forward...and the waiting gets so tiring! I agree with what everyone has said. Take some time and keep the dialog going with your husband. Together, you will find the country that is perfect for both of you. Once that child is home, you will wonder how it was such a hard decision (no matter what country you choose)!!!

Also, don't let the fear of travel stand in your way! Yes, we were scared the first time we traveled, but it was the most amazing experience! By the time we traveled for our daughter, we couldn't wait to go back!!! Russia is such a wonderful country and we met the warmest, kindest people there (one who used to work as a high ranking diplomat in the communist party)! I never imagined that I would one day travel to Russia, and now I am so grateful. I know those who have traveled to Guatemala feel the same way too! I really don't think you can go wrong with any country. There are so many beautiful children all over this world, and one day your little one will be in your arms!

Take care,
Kerry

[Princess Purr]

Thanks everyone, I had my agency picked for Guatemala, I was going to use Haps, for Russia I have it narrowed down to a few, but no solid pick.
What worried me most out traveling is my IBS, when I get nervous my stomach does some not very nice things, and I have seen pics of those bathrooms on Russian trains! I keep telling myself if I could do 11 days in the hosptail, on bedrest, not even alound to get up and go potty, I can do Russia. I'm just SOOO scared. My mom's parents are from the ukarine, we do alot of russia like tradtions on holidays/have russian foods, and I know she would go on the pick up trip with us, exspeically if we were adopting two at onces we would need her there.
I really was getting my heart set on Guatemala, now I'm all confused again!!!

[spring]

What specifically about the travel bothers you? Is it fear of flying, fear of travel in a country you haven't been to, the time involved, making two trips? If it's fear of flying, I can speak to you as a person who is probably as scared if not more scared of flying than anyone on the planet, but I've flown to China twice to meet two different children, and not once on those trips did I lose a moment's worry over flying. The first time we traveled to China was intimidating for us too - dh and I had never been there, didn't know what to expect, and to be honest weren't terribly interested in anything Chinese other than our daughter. But traveling to China changed that so much! We absolutely loved our travel there, and found a love for the people and culture of China too - which is a precious gift to have to pass on to our daughter. It's also comforting to me to know that when my daughters are older and has questions about where they came from, I can talk to them about it - easier to do when you've actually been there than when it's only a place you've read about. And last thing, each of our trips has been an adventure. You can take your trip and be all stressed out over getting a new child, paperwork, etc - or you can take your trip with the idea that it is, in addition to an adoption trip, one of your life's adventures. We didn't limit ourselves to the adoption parts of our trips - when we went to China we spent extra time there at the beginning and end of the trip, and took advantage all the touring that we could in between. We've seen a lot of families we've traveled with stress out over the trip and spend the two weeks in China miserable and counting the days until they could return home - we left both times wishing we could have stayed longer, and I think a large part of the difference is in how we approached it - we didn't look at it as something we had to do to adopt, we looked at it as an opportunity to see a part of the world we might otherwise never have seen.

Although we adopted from China, we have vacationed in Russia, and it is a wonderful country to visit! The people there were so very kind and friendly to us, the countryside is beautiful, and having a chance to learn more about the history and culture was fascinating.

You mentioned foster care vs orphanages - I know there are many many reasons that foster care is a better situation for children than being in an orphanage, but as a mom to two children who spent their first year in an orphanage, I can tell you from personal experience that the quality of care in some orphanages can be outstanding, and children in orphanages can and do form bonds with their caregivers. My second daughter came home, after having spent her entire first year in an orphanage, entirely on track developmentally and very alert, engaged, and knowing how to attach and love back fiercely. My older daughter wasn't at the same place - she also spent a full year in an orphanage and she was very motor-delayed when she came home, plus behind in other areas as well. But she caught up quickly, and I would never ever have wanted to miss the experience of having her in my life just because I'd been scared of adopting from an orphanage. Today, at three years old, you would never know that she hadn't spent all of her life with our family (unless you asked her!). In both of my daughter's adoptions, they were handed over to us by their primary caretakers and I can't tell you how rough that was - for the caretakers. In both adoptions it was so easy to see that our children were leaving behind women who had loved them deeply.

Last thoughts - on the issue of race. It's possible your husband just isn't there yet re becoming a multi-racial family, maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't. I definitely would tread slowly at this point and take my time to really explore where he's at before going head-on into a Guatemalan adoption. It's possible you might sail through life as a multi-racial family and no one will ever make a remark, but our experience has been the opposite - we get remarks all the time. Once you become a multi-racial family, you become conspicuous (sp?). Not only as multi-racial, but also it's obvious right away that you've adopted. So... give it some time. Really explore where he's at. My dh was initially uncomfortable with the idea of adopting from Asia, but what changed his mind was being around other families that had adopted from Asia, and getting to know their children. If your husband hasn't met any families who've adopted from Guatemala, that might be a good place to look next in exploring things. Find some families who've adopted from Russia too!

Best wishes,

spring