oh girls..I want to be able to talk. I have tried to update you several times and then I got wracked with pain and just couldnt do it. Im going to try again. I feel so low, so in despair. I asked him in an email if he had someone else. I dont know why I asked him. I dont even remember asking him that question but not only did I ask him if he had someone else, but I even asked him if he was living with her. And I couldnt remember asking that either, until after when I read it back 2 days after.
He text my mobile and said we needed to talk and that we should meet up. And I said no, not until you tell me the subject matter, cos its going to be bad and I dont want any more shocks, just tell me what it is about or else I wont meet you. And then he texts me back and said that he cant talk about it on a text. So I said, call me then....and he didnt...and then I asked again...call me because I am not meeting with you. He calls me and said I am right! I was confused, right about what? I couldnt remember the email at that time. Right about me moving in with another woman....I swear I couldnt speak for a full 10 seconds in shock...and then I cant quite remember what I said. but words to the effect of how long have you been with her for, he said 8 weeks..and I said....you f*****g liarrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!! no way does anyone move in with someone they just meet in 8 weeks. And then it all comes back to me about that thing last year? remember girls? when I said that I think he had something with someone but he chose me. So I chose to let it go. Well...obviously it was her. he kept denying it, but I caught him out during the conversation. And I just couldnt believe that he had lied to me like that. I said, how could you do this? how could you not be honest with me after all our years together? did you think you was saving my feelings? you said you was unhappy and wanted to be alone and then you move in with another woman. I just couldnt continue to talk to him after that I had to put the phone down on him.
I emailed him very late that night..when I was laying in bed realising that he was laying in bed with some other woman..and had been for god knows how long. I got up and emailed him...telling him of the agony that the telephone call had heaped upon me now. And it was so garbled...the email...first me screaming at him..and then me saying that he has hurt me so badly. And what was he thinking and what the heck was so special about this woman? She is 50. I know I am 48, but...I dont know...I just think that if he was going to leave me for another woman...heck...make it someone who was younger than me...not older for goodness sakes...it feels like prince charles leaving Diana for Camilla, it didnt make sense. (not that Im anythiing like the lovely princess Diana was) its just that this woman is a divorcee..and she has 3 grown up children too...
The next evening..I got into my car, put my sattelite navigation system on and drove straight to the house. I text his mobile telling him I was outside. I was going to give him 10 minutes before I was going to go and knock on the door. I had not seen him for 3 months..and when he walked towards my car, I realised that I still loved him to death, and I so had to stop myself from just going over to the house and just going mad on that woman, and saying what the heck do you think your doing with my husband. But he got into my car and I was just calm and confronted him face to face. I said you committed adultery and I could divorce you for that. I kept asking him why he lied to me. Why would he do this to me..and I was crying and he kept on trying to play the situation down, like it was nothing much and that it would probably fizzle out. And that living there was a trial run etc...but even that is just lies...lies...I know it now. from yesterday I know that even that is lies what he said.
I said get out of my car and go back to your stupid girlfriend your not the man I knew and cursed is the day I fell in love with you huh...I just console myself with the fact that I was young and stupid. I didnt ask him if he loved her, as he had tried to play down this relationship with her. He would only leave the car after I had reset my sat nav, as it was a bit of a dodgy area, which I didnt know.
I drove home crying and fell asleep crying. And basically my family have had to take over my life I think since then, in sense. Because they said Im just existing...not living.....and Im reacting in anger towards them, because I want them to leave me alone to try to get through my pain.
I asked him yesterday to move out of her house and get himself an apartment alone. I said it was the right thing to do. nobody said he cant date but he has disrespected our marriage by moving in with her and he did see her while we were still together, deny it as much as he likes..he did. I said it would ease my pain a lot, if he would do that..and then at a later date...he could do what he wanted. But he text me back yesterday and basically said that its because he wanted to be with her all the time that he moved in with her in the first place...and that he was not going to move out he was going to stay with her.
Im not even going to write here..what I said back to him, but basically...and I would never say this to anyone girls, because its not like me to do this. but I said I would never EVER forgive him for doing this to me. And that if he thought I was going to step aside and divorce him so he can marry her, than he is mistaken..he is going to have to wait the full 5 years. And then...when Im settled in my new smaller house. he can divorce me then, by that time we would have been legally married 30 years and Im going to get half his pensions. And HIM? she can have him. I dont want him...he can get on his hands and knees and beg me and I will never take him back I said to him. And...I said...you do love me you idiot. you do. you think you love her, but its just infatuation and whatever else they call it. But dont think you have the power to have me back again, because you dont. And thats how it stands now.
My husband living with some ***** divorcee who has 3 grown up children. I hate him so much for this. so so much. Im hurting like I did when I lost my mother. Ive never seen myself so low. Only when I was sick in the hospital and unable to move and needed full time care..only with your heart and soul...when it bleeds....who can give you that care? when you are bleeding for the person that you want to give you that care...does that make sense girls?
I have only slept about 4 hours each night since hearing he lives with her. I ranted and raved at him, like I said in emails and at the end of each email. I say to him...dont defend her...dont tell me you love her...dont anger me more...because I will drive up there and confront her face to face. he doesnt say a word.
As I am selling the house, I have had to go through all the stuff as I am downsizing and I find all his school books, all his school reports, all stuff that I have lovingly kept for the memories..for his history, our history. And I had to text him to tell him to come and get them, or I will drop them off. Why should I keep them, when he blatantly wants to be with another woman..and packing them up in boxes. And finding all the cards that he has ever bought me. I keep all of them. Valentines, Christmas, anniversarry, birthdays and even cards that he bought me constantly each day to the hospital when I was sick to keep my moral up. Love letters from our early days, poems he wrote me from our early days. And of course...thousands and thousands of pictures. So, not only am I having to cope with him first telling me he wants to leave me because he is not happy with me, as if that was not devastating enough. I then find out that he had cheated on me the past year. And in the midst of all this. I am forced to sell my house. Because I can not afford the mortgage and have been actively seeking a job, which I may have made a break through on one yesterday as they rang me up. And are going to ring me back. And I have to look for another house to live in, me and my lil cat.
To say that I feel a bit overwhelmed by it all, is a bit of an understatement. I know I have a loving caring family and they all look after me. But the kind of woman I am girls...is, well Roo....you know how I am...I dont like to ask for help. I dont like to be weak, I have to be the strong one. And now Im having to think a different way, be a different way...ask for help...take it...and accept it..and all the while..Im missing him like mad...loving him still like mad..and also hating him like mad....is that how it was Dana? And all the while...the tears are there in my chest..waiting to burst forth. And when they do, I find it hard to cry.....heres a question to all of you who are reading this.....a bit off subject...
but...Ive noticed over the years, with my infertility that where I used to cry so much about it. The years of disappointment and failure, and then grief when my mother died and my father..I find it hard to cry properly now. I cry...the tears come popping out of my eyes...but its not easy on the voice box..to just let it flow...its so wierd, is that the same for any of you? or am I just some crazy chick.
Theres a pain ball...in my stomach...and tears in my chest...and pain in my heart...I sigh constantly...my frustration levels are so high. I want to have peace in my heart and soul. I want to not feel unhappy. I want to rewind the clock to before he met her...to when we were happy...I want to magic it all back to normal. And its never going to be that again huh...I know....sigh.
My dishwasher broke. my shower broke, my sink blocked up, my heart broke but asides from that. Im fine. emailing you soon Dana.
love and hugs to you all. thank you for being here for me. your all angels xxxxxx
