homestudy high stress

[tabby]

Hi, I don't usually post here---dh and I recently moved on to adoption after failed ivf.
We just had our second meeting with the social worker who is performing an adoption study, and I feel like we just blew it! The session was the 'autobiographical review' for my dh, and the social worker wanted me there for it. The social worker predicted it would take about an hour, and 3.5 hours later, oh, ugh, I was mortified.
My dh did the strangest thing. He's usually quite private, and even in counseling sessions we've had together, and even among close friends, he rarely just gabs about his personal life. I was worried about him not being candid enough, or being hard to 'draw out' in such an interview.

Well, much to my shock, something about the interview must have lit a fire under him, and he yacked up every last gossipy and gory detail about his life and the lives of family members and all the gossip about his exes (even ex girlfriends, when he wasn't even asked!). During each one of the 'bombs' let out, the social worker wrote furiously, getting in every juicy detail?
I mean, I understand and agree with the purpose of the homestudy, and the need to be candid, but I think this went beyond what was needed to ensure a safe and happy home life. I don't resent the intrusiveness in general, but this seemed way beyond what I thought I could expect.
My dh insists that the social worker was just curious and that everything went really well, as though he completely forgot the assessment portion of the homestudy.
I almost feel like he started to treat it as a therapy session, a way to talk about every (and I mean every) relationship he had and how it progressed, to a level of detail that even I didn't know about it, after living with him almost a decade.
Next week is 'my' week, and I'm terrified that he will jump in with reminders of every awkward detail he's ever known about me in an effort to cooperate and 'be candid'.
Just looking for a little support and needing to vent, and terrified of being 'on trial' next week.

[Cali]

You know this same sort of thing happened with my DH and he also is a very quiet, private person. He just sort of kicked back in the comfy chair and told that social worker stuff I had not even expected him to tell. There were a couple of times he strayed so far off the topic in question that the SW just stopped writing and politely listened. Afterwards, I remember telling him "You know you didn't exactly have to tell her ........, she didn't even ask about it." He just shrugged it off and said it doesn't really matter. And really he's right; I mean a year later and that SW has long forgotten about how long winded my DH was.

I do remember when it came to my turn I told DH, "look, I'm NOT mentioning.....whatever, OKAY?" Maybe you could do that with your DH, just make it clear beforehand you don't intend on giving specific details about whatever. You could even add...because you don't want to sit for another 3.5 hrs, you want to try and be out of there in an hour.

[tabby]

thanks cali,
It makes me feel much better knowing that this happened to someone else! Yes, no more comfy chairs. I think part of it is the complacency that happens with the comfy chair the nice cup of tea, the smiling and nodding face, and the shyest dh in the world just lets er rip. My dh agreed that he probably would never ever have talked like that if we were in an office rather than in the quiet of our own home.
I did talk to him about it, and he realized what had happened now, and he agreed to not interject when it's my turn with any big 'oh, yeah, and don't forget that time when you blah blah blah' and he promised not to.
Also, we will be seated at the not very comfortable kitchen chairs, and definitely not go the whole night---then it becomes like an interrogation.
I think of it as a very important job interview, where you want to tell the truth, and be candid to a certain extent, but not pour out the contents of your heart and soul and all your memories.
Turns out my dh thought of it as a way to 'connect' to our sw. It's not a therapy session.
I hope, like you said, the sw takes it in stride and it becomes water under the bridge. I doubt it, since it may increase the scrutiny we get later, but we'll just have to see.
I'll be so glad when this is all over.

[Gigih]

Sorry but I have to giggle... I think your DH was probably a little nervous as well and got a case of of verbal diarhea as a result. The SW should have been aware of this and, unless your DH confessed to a murder or kidnapping, the SW probably was not offended or worried. I do agree that you should set boundaries with your DH before your interview just so you are not caught off guard and embarrassed.

Gigi