Is this flirty or irritating?

[Lori O]

I would find it fun/flirty (as long as the kids aren't around)...but if you do not, and HE KNOWS IT...then he is being completely disrespectful. So not cool.

And given what you have been through in the last few weeks...really, he is being a complete arse. He should be bending over forwards and backwards to make you comfortable, help you heal, emotionally and physically....right now, NONE of this is about 'his needs.' NONE.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, on top of everything else.

[MAmommy]

It works for children and it should work for men who act like children.

Sorry, this just struck me as really funny!

[Lucky mama]

I am the kind of person who freaks out if somebody puts food on my plate after I have said that I don't want it. I prefer to be asked and if I say "no" then I don't want the food put on my plate. I guess it's because my parents would ask me if I wanted something and then just give it to me even if I said I didn't want it. It felt like they were more powerful than me and my voice didn't count.

It's not that it's a huge deal if somebody does it, it just comes down to the issue of R-E-S-P-E-C-T. If I say "no" to something, I want to be respected, I want to be heard, I want to be treated like an equal and not a child. When I'm not treated that way, I feel angry and devalued.

I haven't lived through the exact circumstance that you are describing but it doesn't matter. It's about respect.

[agnes2712]

Crystal...honestly....that would bug the ever-living crap out of me!!! Just my opinion though, my ex used to do that and it always made me feel cheap...dont know why, it just did! I felt like I was a blow up doll or something that he could just "grope" at whenever he felt like it!

I am sorry that you hate it and he isnt respecting your feelings

[robine]

I did not vote because it is fine for DH and I as it only occasionally occurs, and when it does, I do find it fun and flirty but in your case, you have clearly expresses your feelings about it and they are ignored..THAT is rude.

[ResqMomma]

BH did that too. I really didn't mind until the children got older and thought it was something they didn't need to see.

[3boys2luv]

He knows you don't like it and you've asked him nicely to stop, you've explained to him why you want him to stop - and he won't stop. He's abusive and using it as a control measure. He is. I hope you know I care about you or I wouldn't say these things, but I SO wish you could see what we see. He uses this to control you, to show you HE'S in charge and can and will do whatever, whenever he wants, with no regard to your feelings or needs.

He needs a good @ss whooping, IMO. He's incredibly lucky to have you and yet does nothing to demonstrate that to you. I have no doubt that he does love you, but he's not willing to do anything to benefit you - won't take care of you physically when you're hurt, won't take care of you emotionally and in fact, ridiculed you when you needed both physical and emotional support. He acts like a brat and you deserve so much more.

I know that all sounds harsh, but I hope that if I keep saying it, you'll see it one day and I value you or I wouldn't keep trying. You DO have worth and you DO deserve to be treated better than this pouting overgrown thinks of noone but himself child-man does.

[Twinkle]

the fact that you've asked him to stop and he doesn't listen makes it irritating AND disrespectful. Sorry - Your DH is being an a$$.

I voted disrespectful but I really think it's both disrespectful and irritating.

[BC-CrystalAZ]

I hear what you are saying. I really don't think my DH is controlling though - at least I don't think that's his intention. Selfish, yes. Immature, very. But I don't think he is doing this to be abusive. I think he is doing it simply because he wants to. He thinks I am just wrong for feeling the way I do about it, and as mentioned in this thread by another poster, says "I'm just playing!" or "I'm just trying to have fun!" He is completely flabbergasted that I don't want to play along.

I just don't find it fun. As someone else said, it leaves me with the feeling of being molested. I should be able to feel completely safe that no hands are coming for my boobs without my permission. I should be able to stretch (which I don't do around my DH) walk around in a bra (which I DEFINITELY don't do around my DH), etc. without anything sexual happening to me.

I realize others may see this as no big deal, but it is for me. I've never liked this kind of "playing" and prefer my flirting to be cerebral. Maybe it has something to do with being raped years ago. Maybe it's just my personality. But at any rate, I don't like it, and I agree with all of you that his continued attempts show disrespect.

I dread going home today because I know we are going to argue.

It's funny because we are compatible in a lot of ways, but not in our sexual needs and the way we express ourselves sexually. We can have great sex, but sometimes, not so much. We are just SO VERY DIFFERENT in this area.

I too feel that he is lucky to have me. What other wife would be giving bjs less than a week after surgery? What other wife goes to the extents I have to ensure that my DH is sexually satisfied even when I have zero interest? I don't know what else to do. I have nothing else to give him, despite his needs.

You are right that I shouldn't be dealing with this 2 weeks after surgery. He SHOULD be taking care of me. Instead he tells me to "be tough" and gets annoyed when I'm weak. I even keep trying to talk about how much this loss hurts and he tells me not to look at things the way I do.

I don't know what to do. We probably need to see someone (as I've said before) but I can't deal with all this right now. I have enough $hit I am going through with trying to heal.

Crystal

[BC-CrystalAZ]

You DO have worth and you DO deserve to be treated better than this pouting overgrown thinks of noone but himself child-man does.

Oh and yes. I have no doubts of my own worth. Self-confidence is not my issue.

It's more about feeling unable to meet his needs and feeling like he is unable to meet mine.

Crystal