Insensitive Pregnancy Comments -- Sorry, have to vent

[QueenChelsea]

Like many of us on these boards, it took me a long time to get pregnant. Tomorrow we are celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary. During infertility, I suffered through the many insensitive comments "oh, why don't you have children?" and the like, and now that I'm pregnant, I thought the comments would be over. I recently was at a party for my two-year old cousin and her grandfather came up to me and said, "well, it's about time that you're pregnant. You certainly waited long enough." I wanted to deck him. It brought back all of the tough times of my infertility, and, even if I didn't have problems getting pregnant, whose business is it anyway when I have children. Maybe we had marital or other issues (we didn't, but that's not the point) that prevented us from having kids. Anyway, I know that this won't be the first of these comments. I simply smiled and told him that I had to be sure that I wanted to keep my DH around before we decided to have kids!

What is the appropriate response in a situation like this? Does anyone have any thoughts? And thanks for letting me vent!

[kug440]

Ya know, people say hurtful things ALL the time but they REALLY dont mean to. They are just trying to be nice. They dont understand. Unless the person has been through it, they are blissfully ignorant how painful and frustrating it can be starting a family. Pesonally, i jsut grin and bare it. I stop, touch my belly and smile and say, Yes, it may have taken sometime, but this is going to be the MOST wanted baby ever and thats ALL that matters. Though I like the keeping the DH comment!!!!!!!!!!! Pretty witty LOL!!!

[Adriana]

Unfortunately, so many people have the need to comment on other people's lives that this will never end. Once your baby is born you will get a whole other set of comments...
I like your reply, mine would be something like this: "unfortunately, one can't pick when one will have children, it all happens in God's time" . Give them something to think about without giving any other details...

[HollyB]

You are right that the comments never end. Even after I had my first, people would say to me, "So, isn't it time for number 2?" without realizing that we had been trying for over a year!

I think we just get so sensitized to it after going through IF that we have an appreciation other people just don't have. I had a co-worker who became unexpectedly pregnant and she complained about her pregnancy the entire time. She even knew that we were struggling and she STILL had the nerve to complain in front of me.

We just need to stick together and vent to each other as much as possible! How nice to have a group of women here who TRULY understand what it is to go through IF. Vent away to us!

[babybigblue]

We have been married for 8 years as well.. for the past 6 years we weren't really trying to get pregnant.. so it was easy to answer "we want to travel", "we want to enjoy our youth" this and that.. and yes, people did argue.. however, I could also see that they envied our little two people world... for the past 1 year, I really started to feel it was harder for me to answer, because we did want to have kids, and we just couldn't... and the old answers, since i didn't believe in them, didn't help much...

Then, for people, who I liked and knew were genuinely asking out of curiosity "are you planning to have kids?" etc... I would tell them "hopefully soon"... and that would be enough for those kinds of nice people... for the Pregnancy Police of the World, I would be harsher... and say "when the times comes"... or when "santa claus brings us"... or "when people stopped asking"... I know it's hard, but I just had to tell them in some way I was uncomfortable with their answer...

Right before our IVF, I learned something from my husband... he would just ignore these questions and say something totally unrelated... For example, if Aunt so and so asked us about "our baby", he would not say anything or 30 second, which does make Aunt SoSo stare with big eyes... then he would ask "so how is Uncle Soso doing with his summer house"... and that would have been it... kind of a passive agressive way of behavior but it did work for me...

good luck... and don't let these people's judgements effect you...

BBB

[Ferret Mommy]

I would just say, well... we have been.. but a baby comes when it is ment to be..... that usually shuts people up.

It just sucks that pple dont understand, but yet they really dont understand because we chose not to tell them. KWIM? It just sucks...

[kug440]

Ok ladies, I am usually ood at acronyms but for the life of me, I cant figure out KWIM???

[Ferret Mommy]

know what I mean... heheheheheh there is also a cheat sheet at the top under acronyms...

[KCT]

I think this comment takes the cake, although I know that it wasn't said maliciously at all:

My SIL, whom I love, and I were talking just after I had finally gotten pregnant. It was a long, stressful haul, and she knew all about many of the IF details. I had stopped drinking much caffeine, whereas before pregnancy I was used to having 1-2 cokes or iced tea each day. Well, she said to me, "That's great that you were able to finally give up caffeine. Do you think that maybe it was part of God's plan for you to stop drinking caffeine before giving you a baby?"

I was so floored that I didn't even know how to respond. I didn't respond. I mean, I know that it probably came out different than what she meant, but of course I took it (for a split second) as though she were blaming me for my infertility.

It was strange. It doesn't upset me anymore -- I actually think it's kind of funny. But boy did it shock me at the time. Just thought I'd share mine.

Kristen

[teachergirl]

Oh, for goodness sake, she makes it sound like caffeine is cocaine or something!!!! That would really annoy me.

As a grade school teacher, I have had to deal with my students innocently asking, "Why don't you have kids?" Of course they don't understand at all but it still hurt to hear it. I usually said, "I just don't!" with a smile and changed the subject. After I got pregnant, many of my kids have come back to see me and have said they didn't think I wanted kids, since I didn't have any.

Brenda
EDD 1-19-07