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  1. #1
    LynnC
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    Having trouble dealing with sister's possible divorce

    I am having trouble knowing how to deal with and supporting my sister who wants to divorce her husband. She has four children and tells me there is nothing there anymore between her and dh. This all came out when her dh found very intimate texts on her phone from an exboyfriend who lives out of state. He was devastated at first but admits that their marriage was not perfect. My sister has always been the stronger personality in their relationship and I think many times her dh just went along to avoid the conflict. My sister is a sahm mom and loves not working. She freely spends money and her dh has always been great about giving her a break for girls nights and trips to Vegas.

    I feel devastated for her dh and children. I feel in many ways she is being selfish. She has decided that she needs an overnight away every week to get distance from her dh. How can this not be affecting her children? Her dh is allowing all of this to give her the space she needs in hopes that she will come around. She is complaining to me that if she gets a divorce she will only get 50% of her husbands income and how is this fair when she will have the children most of the time. I don't even know what to say to her. Her husband talks to my dh and he is so sad and lonely. (His family lives out of state) She tells me that she is unhappy and still young and feels she has the right to find happiness. Of course I want my sister to be happy but at so many other peoples expense. I am actually laying awake at night worrying about her family and feeling angry towards her. I never thought someone elses marriage problems would affect me so much. My dh is just so angry at her because he hears her dh's side all the time. I just don't know what to sayor do anymore.


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  3. #2
    SC-Sherb
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    That's a tough situation to be in for sure. I can see why you are stressing about it. Have you tried talking to her and voicing some of your concerns without making it sound like you think she is being selfish? Have they tried counselling? I'm really sorry that your family is dealing with this. But if your sister isn't willing to listen, you may have to step away from the situation for your own sanity. I reaally hope that you can find some peace.
    Me 44/DH 44 Celebrating 22 yrs of marriage!!!

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  4. #3
    Adrienne
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    Kind of reminds me of the John Gosselin business--lets have all these kids then decide we deserve to play around. I can understand why you are so upset! Can you suggest counseling?


    Adrienne



    beautiful boy



  5. #4
    BC-NanceLee
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    Oh boy, that's hard.

    All you can really do is listen to her, and counsel her to go slow with making changes that are hard to undo.

    On your own, you can pray that they find their way towards better communication and growth together. We grow through all circumstances, but some ways are easier on us than others. I hope they decide to grow together instead of apart.

    ((hugs)) to you as you deal with this.

    NL
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  6. #5
    Caro2
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    I am sorry ((((HUGS)))

    This is difficult but your sister might not say the whole story behind the wanting to divorce and same goes for your BIL that talks with your DH. Or yes maybe she just wants to go out and play.

    It is unfortunate for the children. I hope for the best for the children. I would make sure I am there for the children. I would be honest with your sister and your feeling, and I would try to listen her side, but she is the one in this situation.

    Caro
    DD 9 yrs old via FET#3 from IVF/ICSI#4; m/c at 10wks 08/07. Done TTC!


  7. #6
    BC-GoMom
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    Weekend to Remember - Marriage Getaway - FamilyLife.com

    If you can- slip her this conference info- your BIL too. If she has any church background, this might make a difference. It has knit several marriages I know back together. It is not fool proof, but it might help.

    I am sure you love that family and you are thinking about the children. Like Nancelee said- get her to slow down.

    Unfortunately I have known a few families that have ended due to the cyber texting. SAHM is not a glorious job, and there is plenty of time to let the culture of " it is all about you- feeling good about yourself comes first"- and other drivel that is spouted on daytime TV saturate a SAH adult.

    Keep praying for her and her family.
    ETA: I am a SAHM- and I think daytime TV sucks the life out of those adults that watch it, from daytime drama (where is the romance like the soap opera) to ( relationships according to Oprah ( not married and no children) and Jerry Springer type (who is your daddy?) Sucks the life right out of your brain I tell you!
    Last edited by BC-GoMom; 09-07-2010 at 02:54 PM.


  8. #7
    Saffron2
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    I think you need to step away for now. This is something they need to work out, and you really can't tell someone to feel things that they do not feel towards their spouse.
    Maybe, this has been building up for a long time, maybe he is disengaged from her. He seems to not care what she does, and maybe she doesn't have any respect for him.

    I am not saying what she is doing is right, and her priority, regardless of anything else, should be her children. Nobody knows the dynamics of a marriage.

    I say this because I had a cousin, who was in a similar situation. She fell inlove with another man, her marriage had been over for many years. She did not get much support from her family, and was painted as the bad 'guy'. She told me her marriage was nothing but work and councelling. She left her h, and eventually married the guy she fell inlove with, and they have been happily married for 25 years. We found out once everything had died down, that what we thought about her marriage and her h was just not so. All I am saying is that you don't know everything about the situation, just what you are hearing.

    I would just be there for support for the kids.
    Last edited by Saffron2; 09-07-2010 at 12:16 PM.


  9. #8
    mdvmd
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    i think it's really hard to make judgements about the quality of someone else's marriage, even if it's someone to whom you're really close. i think i'd support your sister in the best way you can and let her work out her own issues, even if you feel like she's making a mistake....
    dss 16, dsd 15
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  10. #9
    QTip
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    Quote Originally Posted by mdvmd View Post
    i think it's really hard to make judgements about the quality of someone else's marriage, even if it's someone to whom you're really close. i think i'd support your sister in the best way you can and let her work out her own issues, even if you feel like she's making a mistake....
    This.
    The two couples that we hang out with most often are both having troubles. There are two sides to every coin. It is so hard to not take sides, if one story sounds more "right". I just keep out of it. That is the best for my relationship with dh, and that is the relationship I care about, kwim?
    Q-tip
    my 3 boys:
    Cabezon III (11yrs)
    Lauchita (10 yrs)
    Monkey (8 yrs)


  11. #10
    LynnC
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    Thanks for all the advice. My sister and I had a very close relationship before all of this. We talked on the phone almost daily. I didn't mention that I did confront her when this all came out because I thought she wasn't thinking clearly. I regret doing this because it did become a big blow up fight between us. (This was almost a year ago now) I had to reach out to her many times and tell her I was sorry before she would really talk to me again. Things have not been the same since but we still call eachother. She confides in me some of the time. I just listen and tell her I want her to be happy. It is just really hard because I understand if she feels she needs a divorce but don't nessasarily agree with how she is going about it. I am trying to just be supportive but I get off the phone and feel the anger towards her. The rest of my family does not know about this but my Mother is very suspicious something is going on with her and keeps asking me about it. Since it is not my place to tell her anything I just tell her I don't know. I guess I feel a little anger because of that too. Always feeling put on the spot with my mom.

    Unfortunately it is easy to judge. The hard part is finding it in yourself not to be judgemental. I am definitely working on it.


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