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  1. #1
    baacbs
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    Question Advice re: house guests, how to say no? (x-post)

    From Jan. Playgroup - somewhat a repost.

    First, please don't think that I do not enjoy house guests, I do. Every now and then. And if they are helpful and at least offer to pay for something here or there that'd be nice. Since January we've had 7 separate groups of house guests. I'm worn out. Living in FLA has it's drawbacks. Everyone wants to turn our house into their vacation get away.

    I got a call yesterday from my youngest's Godmother (close friend of family and also daughter of one of my BFF who lost her husband last Dec). She wants to come again after Christmas and for New Years, for at least a week I think. She also wants to bring her boyfriend AND her 19 year old brother too.

    I don't mean to sound like a terrible person, but I really feel like a week or longer is just too long and we don't have the room for all these people. We have one guest room that is small w/a double bed (Godmother is not married and I don't want to create an issue w/my oldest asking questions by putting both in guest room) I have a futon, which is in the loft,it's also the kid's toy room and my office.

    How can I get out of this? I haven't returned her call yet. I feel it's an issue of
    1) Not having room for them, esp for a week
    2) Expensive to feed 3 more people who are all big eaters
    3) Very disruptive for my kids (and ME) to have that many extra people that long.
    4) In the past when they've visited, no one has offered to pay for anything.

    The only thing I can think of is to call her or email her and say "That won't work, I'm sorry, we have a lot going on, it's a busy time and we have some things planned" She had asked about it before, but it was just her and her b/f and we just said let us know about dates. We had her for 10 days last Christmas/January then her sister and her BFF for Spring Break. I feel i need to stop this trend. But to do so nicely as they are close family friends.

    IDEAS?!!!
    Amy (38) DH (38)
    Mom to Sophia 5/12/00 (pregnant on our own)
    Olivia 1/9/06 (AI and meds)


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  3. #2
    AmyA
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    That is a hard one!!!I have never been able to think of a really nice, not-make-waves kind of way. What you suggested sounds fine to me. You might add that with a family and so much going on, it's just too hard to have guests for that long. I have a similar issue with my family. My mom always wants to come spend the night(and often bring 4 other family members) and it's just too much! I love seeing them but we don't even have the room and they don't get that. If I try to get out of it she calls me on it asking very direct uncomfortable questions. I am curious to see what advice you get!!!
    Amy


  4. #3
    Phud
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    "That won't work, I'm sorry, we have a lot going on, it's a busy time and we have some things planned"
    This plus a list of local hotels and suggest a date for dinner one evening. I think that you are definitely being taken advantage of and saying no is DEFINITELY your prerogative.
    I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. ~Stephen Fry


  5. #4
    MamaBear
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    That's rough. We always joked with Navy friends that once you're stationed in Hawaii you suddenly have relatives and friends you never knew you had. I guess the same can be said about living in Florida or any other vacation hot spot. Since you've already allowed this trend to begin......I'm not exactly sure about how to put an end to it. But, yes, it can get to be very inconvenient and rude of these people. You are totally NOT wrong about this. But, it is up to you to set the perimeters or just to say no or not at this time. However, if you're going to be the "hotel" you can name your price. Maybe you can send out an email to family and friends.......especially those that tend to do this.....and lay it out there. Just tell them that you love to see them and you realize you live in a great place. But, it's getting a little overwhelming. Tell them that you are saving them a lot of money by them not having to shell out money for a hotel, but you are not an all inclusive resort. They may save money in this aspect, but you should not also have to bear the financial responsibility of feeding multiple people for several days. So, I would set your price......X amount of money per day for food or X amount per week and let them know that money needs to be given up front or you'd be happy to accompany them to the grocery store to pick up groceries for their stay. Also remind them that your house does not include maid service, so you need them to pick up after themselves and to help with meal preparation. If it was one family and once in a year, you could maybe overlook it.......but multiple families several times a year is a crazy expectation of you. This may be uncomfortable for you, but it's really a lot less rude than what they're doing to you. Good luck!!!
    Me DH
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  6. #5
    MarinaTwinMom
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    Quote Originally Posted by baacbs View Post
    call her or email her and say "That won't work, I'm sorry, we have a lot going on, it's a busy time and we have some things planned"
    That's what I would do.

    I also like Phud's idea about sending a list of local hotels and offering to have them over for dinner one night if they do come to the area.
    and


  7. #6
    las
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    I"m sooooooo the wrong person to comment on this because I absolutely LOVE having house guests... and lucky me... every time we have house guests they treat us to dinners, gets stuff and puts in our fridge and what not... I have not had even one house guest that just plunked themselves in our home and din't help out with cooking, cleaning up and what nto. I live in southern california, about 1/2 mile from Disneyland and yep... it is hotel central at our home... Surprisingly though, we have not had that many people come and stay this yr...


    I think if you are feeling that you are overwhelmed.. you should just write to them and be honest... I like the plan "call her or e-mail her and say "That won't work. I'm sorry, we have a lot going on, it's a busy time and we have some things planned".

    Good luck whatever you decide..

    Las
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  8. #7
    CrystalAZ
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    The problem with saying "Not at that time, it's too busy" is she will then just ask about another time.

    I don't think there is anything wrong with sending something like MamaBear suggested with info like "We can only accomodate XX number of people at a time. There must be XX advance notice. You must provide, prepare and clean up your own food. Any food you eat should be replaced or paid for. You must wash your sheets and towels on your last day."

    I don't think it is necessary to CHARGE them to stay there, but it should involve NO inconvenience or cost to you to have them.

    DH's aunt has a very nice house in San Diego and has rules similar to what I posted above.

    Crystal


  9. #8
    virga
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    Quote Originally Posted by CrystalAZ View Post
    The problem with saying "Not at that time, it's too busy" is she will then just ask about another time.

    I don't think there is anything wrong with sending something like MamaBear suggested with info like "We can only accomodate XX number of people at a time. There must be XX advance notice. You must provide, prepare and clean up your own food. Any food you eat should be replaced or paid for. You must wash your sheets and towels on your last day."

    I don't think it is necessary to CHARGE them to stay there, but it should involve NO inconvenience or cost to you to have them.

    DH's aunt has a very nice house in San Diego and has rules similar to what I posted above.

    Crystal
    I think Crystal's/Mbear's is a fine idea.

    Just so you don't worry, I will never use your home in FL as a vacation spot...now if you move to AK you may find me on your porch.
    Mom to ~
    Daughter 8/91; Son 5/01; Son 12/03; Son [born and returned] 8/07




  10. #9
    mdvmd
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    I think I would say, "Although we would love to have you, we're really struggling financially and space-wise these days, and we just can't accomodate guests. Do you think you all could stay in a nearby hotel, and we could get together while you're here?"
    dss 16, dsd 15
    DS 10/05
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    GRAND FINALE due 4/21/13!!
    b/d 1-21-05
    "A person's a person, no matter how small" Dr. Seuss
    12/03 & 10/08


  11. #10
    AmymOH
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    Quote Originally Posted by mdvmd View Post
    I think I would say, "Although we would love to have you, we're really struggling financially and space-wise these days, and we just can't accomodate guests. Do you think you all could stay in a nearby hotel, and we could get together while you're here?"
    I too would say something along these lines. Maybe at the very least, they'll then offer you some sort of payment.
    "If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down." -Mary Pickford

    Amy, mom to:
    DD N-7/24/89
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    I'm at 50/50...2 of the 4 is of legal age and I still have my sanity...well somedays anyway!


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