im one confused and frustrated mama. please share your wisdom

[katiesmom]

I'm not sure about anything. Some days it seems being a bit pushy with dd is what she needs. Other days it seems like I'm being so pushy that I wonder if she is doing things because she wants to or because I want her to. Other times I tell myself, If I let her just meander around in life with no true direction she will let all her possible talents go to waste. I say her because I'm mainly speaking of my 9 year old dd. But this is meant for all of my kids. Because I wonder if I need to be pushing my 4 year old ds more. I have always been the let kids be kids and let them play in the dirt kind of mom. I took all the kids to little mommy and me classes and I had oldest dd in gymnastics as a young girl but I did not rush to keep up with the Jones's like everyone else seemed to be doing. I thought is was ridiculous to see 3 year olds with busier schedules than some professionals on wall street. But now that dd is in 3rd grade I'm noticing a pattern. She does not fit in with the other kids very well. She does not have a lasting interest in anything. She has a real talent and an ear for music. Any kind of music. She loves piano and guitar. She can sing really well and seems to have a passion for it. She will sit down at our keyboard and if the little ones leave her alone long enough she will play songs from movies. Like the Lion King song. She just sat down and started hitting the keys and all of a sudden this song emerged. No music to read it was in her head. She has done the same with the guitar. The music just seems to come out of her naturally. She really likes to play on the guitar. But the word here is "play" I began to wonder if she should take it more seriously. She showed an interest in taking lessons and we have a great teacher close by. We started to go to the lessons and he has given her things she needs to practice. She HATES to practice what he asks her to practice. She just wants to hold the guitar any old way and "play" She does not like that he wants her to hold the guitar correctly. He wants her to learn to read music and she is not that interested in that part of things. She had been for 4 lessons and refused to practice unless I sat on top of her and made her do it correctly. Part of me says I'm killing her love for music by turning it into a chore. But the other part of me says if I don't guide her in the right direction and push her to accomplish something she will just give it up like everything else. I'm seeing the pattern that when the going gets tough she just wants to quit. I give her examples of Miley Cyrus and Michel Phelps. They love what they do but there are times that it gets tough. There are times when they may not feel like practicing but they must in order to achieve their goal. She thinks that Micheal Phelps just swims when you see him in the race. She does not realize all the work that goes on before he swims in a race. She thinks Miley Cyrus just gets on stage and sings then she goes and hangs out with friends. She does not realize all the preparation that goes on behind the scenes. All the dance practice all the voice practice all the guitar practice to learn new songs. She did tell me she was not going to quit guitar lessons and I told her I was not going to let her quit because I think once she gets past all the things he is asking her to do correctly and they actually get to the music part of it she will be very happy that she stuck with it. I really think she needs to feel that sense of accomplishment.

She was really really good at gymnastics. She wanted to stop going because she preferred to stay home and play then to go to the gym. We had moved and had to change gym places and she lost interest but the teacher was so disappointed because she was really good. So I did not push her because I felt it was wrong to push her even if she was good and had a possible talent. Now I kind of wish I had pushed her a bit. I feel like Ive set her up to just expect everything to come to her without trying.

Its weird because this subject has weighed heavy on my mind for the past few weeks and then this morning they had a 9 year old boy on Today show. He had a Talent for playing guitar. They dad said they never push him and it all came from him. He never had lessons and just started playing. Now they say if the kid wants to continue fine and if not that's fine too. Are they saying that if their kid said I'm going to waste my great talent and stay home and play Nintendo for the rest of my life then that would be ok by them Do you just let your kid waste their talents just so you are not a pushy parent Some kids like mine need to be pushed. She was a total mess for the first few weeks of school. It took me getting involved and pushing her in order to get her to focus. She will tell the story of how she "cant" do it. But wow what she "can" do with a bit of insistence from mom. I never wanted to be this kind of mom but dd is showing me that in order for her to be successful in life I have to. She actually made an "A" on a math test that she said she "cant" understand. She was very proud of herself and Im very glad I pushed her.

So my question is to push or not to push when it comes to things outside of school. What do you do with possible talents? If someone had taken the time to guide me in the right direction of my talents and interests there is no telling where I would be right now.

[TwoQTs]

Well, I agree on the not pushing them to do too much. I'm also a 'let them play in the dirt' type of person. SO was my mom.. to a point.

I showed interest in piano for years. So, my parents bought one in Calgary one summer & had it trucked up to our place.. a 3.5 hour drive. In Gr. 3 I started lessons. At first I was quite keen. Well, interest faded & Mom also MADE me practise. I HATED it. I begged to stop lessons. Mom's response: you have a talent. You've wanted this for years. You are involved in very few things (Brownies then Guides but that was it other than piano). You have a talent; I will not allow you to waste it.' So, I practised. I tried my best to get out of it.

I turned up the heat when my friends dropped out of piano. Mom's response: We do not quit. You are talented; practising is not fun but it is necessary. There will ALWAYS be things throughout your life that are not fun but you learn to do it anyway.'

((sigh)) When I reached a certain point & Mom realized my teacher was holding me back b/c I was more advanced than her (small village; not much choices for teachers) she found a new teacher who had just moved to town. Once more I was enthusiastic. This new teacher made me learn theory (which sucked) but she told me while it sucked, it would be very helpful later on. She was right. She gave me music which was challenging yet within my reach. Practising became more 'fun' in that I could see a goal. By this time I was 14 yrs old.. been in piano since age 8.

To this day I play. I play at church. I play to relax.

My friend's dd: went for a year, hated to practise, quit. She was also 9. At age 14 she was furious with her mom for allowing her to quit so easily; said she wasted years & she should've been more of a 'mom' & made her continue. She's now 16 & the other pianist at church.

I would make her continue music even if it makes you crazy. She has to learn just b/c something may not be as fun as she thought, it is valuable & she shouldn't waste her talent. She could hit 14 & wish you'd made her continue as well.

Is the teacher a good one? Maybe that's part of it..

My girls are in violin. It was a fight to get Alison to practise.. probably will be this year too. But, I made her continue thru last year & today she's excited about lessons starting next week. Both girls are talented; I wouldn't push them if they weren't. The only other activity is Brownies for them.

Hope this helps.

[AmandaG]

Here is my take on it.

Its one thing to encourage, but its another thing to coerce. There is a fine line between the two, IMO. I'm more of the "inspire, not require" mindset. I don't think there's anything worse than forcing a talent on someone, ya know? People need to enjoy it and want to do it.

With my girls....my oldest started piano at age 9 (almost 10, actually). That is pretty late to start piano. She really didn't 'want' to do it (she didn't come to me asking for piano lessons), but wasn't totally opposed to it either. However, we'd just bought the piano six months before and I wasn't about to waste that investment! I grew up in a home without a piano and very badly wanted one in my home and family. So, we found a piano teacher. I told DD that she needed to at least give it a try for a few months, to really get a feel for if piano was a talent of hers and if she enjoyed it.

As it turns out, my DD is VERY good at piano and is starting to play more complicated classical pieces. Its been 3+ years now. It wasn't always like this, but now, she sits down and not only does her practice, but plays for fun. And, she plays when she's stressed. It calms her and makes her feel better.

My 9 yr old...she's been with piano for just barely a year and is doing very well. In fact, I think she's got more natural musical inclination than her big sister. She can plink out a song just by listening, ya know?

I can't say yet if my 5 yr old will also have some musical abilities. She probably won't start lessons for another couple of years. She has been "begging" for gymnastics or dance. Its something I'm thinking about doing for her, but, I also think there's time to wait. With the economy being what it is, now isn't the time to add more lessons to our budget to pay out each month. So, she tumbles around the living room and sometimes she puts on the "I'm a ballerina now" DVD. Its enough for her, for now.

Anyway....these "talents" you speak of (music, gymnastics, etc) are talents that are very obvious to the outside observer. It is something that is easily displayed or performed. I think you need to keep in mind that all talents are not going to be of this nature.

People have talents of all kinds, and its not something that's necessarily going to be musical or athletic in nature. I think that society puts so much emphasis on these other talents (especially with all the talent shows on TV these days, plus sports), that other talents are often set aside or under appreciated. What about being a good listener? A good friend? Good with children? Gardening? Sewing? Baking/cooking skills? Wood working? These are just a few examples of other talents. You know what I mean!

My oldest DD has a natural ability to create stories and to get them on the page. This is nothing that I've told her she has to do. Its something that she's discovered within herself and enjoys doing. Will she ever be a published author? Who knows? Whether she is or not, I don't care. What I care about is that she knows she has this talent and can do whatever she wishes with it.

When I was a kid, I took gymnastics and dance. Those things lasted for a few years, and then eventually puttered out. I can't remember why I stopped, although I do remember my parents taking me out of gymnastics when I was 9-10 because of the gym owners moved and they didn't like the gym being ran by college students. I also started playing flute in 6th grade, and that lasted through 9th grade. I was very good. When I got to high school, I had heard the band teacher wasn't so great, so I stopped. This is probably my one regret. I can still play (I still have my original flute! ), but it would definitely take some practice to get me back to where I was 20 yrs ago.

Having said that, having quit music/dance/gymnastics hasn't left me scarred for life. I feel like I am a good person with other talents. Some of them, in fact, I'm still discovering and developing the older I get. Who knew (when I was a child) that I'd end up having an interest and talent in things such as reading, writing, essential oils, nutrition, natural health???

I think you need to relax a bit on this. Take your DD's lead. Encourage but don't coerce. I'm sure she (and your other kids) will turn out just fine!

Anyhoo, I'm sorry for the ramble. I don't know if I've articulated what I wanted to say, but hope that I've offered a little bit of perspective.

ETA:
Sorry to make this any longer....but I also wanted to say that perhaps its the teacher who needs to correct your DD on how to properly hold the guitar. If she's holding it the wrong way at lessons, she's sure to be corrected there. Getting this correction may come across better from the teacher rather than you.

[peako]

I don't know how many of the "big musicians" had professional training and how many just have natural talent, how many hold the instrument corectly and how many don't.

Some kids have passion and are very talented, some have the same passion and aren't. For ever Michael Phelps, Miley Sirus, who ever there are thousands and thousands of good swimmers, singers, dancers who will never get close to the olympics or the pros or on stage.

Many parents dream of their child getting a sports schollarship for college or making it big and alot of places play on that.

Not every child or adult has to be passionate about something. I think of the dedication it takes to make it to the Olympics and shudder I wouldn't want my child so focused on one thing.

You have to decide if you want to battle your children to do things. Please at least don't tell child 2 that because child 1 didn't like music lessons, or gymnastics etc that they can't try.

[Brina]

I see it as my job to encourage. One of my sons swims and plays the violin and one plays hockey and soccer. I let them chose their activities. Once they chose something they have to stick with it for the duration of the class or the season or whatever it is we signed up for.

One of the things that I have found helps is to compliment the process and not the outcome. I think these days parents praise to easily. We were told that our parents didn't praise enough and I believe we have gone too far over to the other side. We also spend a lot of time praising outcomes - good goal, great paiting, etc. Instead concentrate on what they did - "wow, you worked really hard at that," "I like the way you didn't give up and got the rebound after the missed shot."

[BC-MAV]

I believe in exposing kidss to various sports and musical endeavors. I think one or two things a semester is fine. DS tried basketball on Saturdays and gymnastics after school. Did not do well and did not like basket ball but enjoyed gymnastics. Next semester we enrolled him in baseball and gymnastics. Hated baseball and liked gymnastics. So on to the next sport... soccor on week-ends and we started judo after school. He LOVED soccor so we stick with what he likes but still try new things, but no overload or overscheduling.

3 year old DS is too young to listen. He does seem very athletically inclined as he is swimming underwater, diving, going to the bottom of the 9 foot pool by himself, etc... He also loves to sing and can dance to the beat of anything. We got him a play guitar and he is in love with that. He has done Kindermusik and Gymrompers but anything more formal I think he is too young. When he is older we'll try swimming and other sports... one by one to see which he likes the best.

[Lori O]

I do agree that it ultimately need to be the child's decision to dedicate themselves to an activity...but to a degree.

From age 7 or so, I think that you need to finish whatever you start...so if you signed up for a season of soccer...you play until it's over, then you can walk away.

I have a niece though, who (in her parents words) 'doesn't like to be told what to do.' The child herself (at age 10) told me she just wants to make up her own way of doing x, y, z (fill in the blank: she's tried violin lessons, piano, ballet, etc.) She doesn't like it when there is a correction made.
Now that part I don't agree with. The only way to really learn anything is by someone teaching you how.
There isn't a one of us, as adults, who didn't have a experience where we were taught technique or skill in order to learn. It's a part of life...and there comes and age where you have to accept positive correction without feeling deflated. I'm unsure what message it sends when a child never has to do anything that requires following instruction.