Any advice for loosing your Mom??

[BC-tess]

I have never posted on this site, but I was looking for somewhere to go.

Earlier today I listened to a voice message my Mom's (80) doctor left on my sister's phone. I got through it pretty well, but then after it was over I lost it with my sister, who also started to cry. My Mom has significant health problems and has had for years, we all know it was a matter of time that her 80 year old body would start shutting down. Last month she started on kidney dialysis, then has been in the hospital a number of times since the beginning of July. Back in July her doctor said she would get better care in a nursing home, starting with rehab then moving to permanent residence. He also said my Mom probably will only last another year. Well she was admitted on a Wed, she was to have kidney dialysis on Thurs but do to severe storms the dialysis place was CLOSED. They gave her meds to clean out her system, which it did and Sat and Sun she laid in her own waste overnight because no one answered her bell! Tues she went to dialysis and passed out, another ER visit and hospital stay. Released to a rehab hospital because she was ABSOLUTELY NOT RETURNING TO A NURSING HOME, where she was suppose to get "better care". Well Tuesday the rehab nurse could not wake my MOm up, well it was 6:30AM!! What do they expect, she's 80 and has multiple health problems, she needs her sleep! Another ER visit in which the above doctor explained that these things were going to happen and probably if the rehab place let her sleep a few more hours she would have been fine, but because of liability issues they sent her to the ER. He is probably right on that issue.

His phone message was basically the same, how much should they do, maybe we should just let hospice take over. I know he is right, but our Mom is a fighter and she said she would like to stay alive long enough to see my ds's first communion, well it would have been this year but he was not socially ready so we held him back. So it's May, 2008.

I'm sorry to ramble, I was going to my doc tonight for something else when I broke down in his office and told him what was going on. To be honest he showed me more compassion than my own DH (and d doesn't mean dear right now). He gave me something to calm my nerves to take when I felt like I was loosing it.

Is there a book to help prepare for her death? My Pop died 4 years ago and I had a rough time then, but my Mom, my Mom I knew it would come someday she wasn't going to live forever so you would think I would have been preparing.

Any suggestions, how did you handle it?

Thank you so very much.

[BC-ResqMomma]

To be honest Tess I don't think there is anything to prepare you for the death of a loved one.

Can you ask your Mom what she wants? If she can voice an opinion it would be best to honor her wishes. If she wants to be let go, at least with hospice your Mom can be at home or with a family.

I am sorry you are in this situation.

[BC-tess]

After I posted this I thought it was stupid, I guess I just needed to be able to tell someone without stopping and crying.

I stopped in a christian bookstore and looked at some books about grieving and loss. I'll look around abit more.

Thanks!

[BC-ResqMomma]

Tess---no not stupid by any means. You are hurting, which understandable. When my Mom was re-diagnosed with cancer I brought home several books they had at the doctors/oncologist office (he is located in the hospital) and it goes through a lot of things, what to expect and all that, but for me it made it worse to think when this or that starts happening this is going to happen.

Please don't think your question was stupid. I am thinking my answer wasn't the greatest.

Good luck in your book search.

[LSB]

I've actually never been on this site, either, before today. I read two books when my mom was dieing a SLOW, PAINFUL death from cancer, which helped me both with her death in June 2002 and dh's death from congestive heart failure (leading to a cerebral hemmorhage and stroke) in August 2004.

The first book is called "Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying," by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley. They are both Hospice nurses and the book really helped me to "prepare" mentally for what would happen- physically as well as emotionally- in my mom's final months and days, to both her and those she was leaving behind.

The second book is "Lessons from the School of Suffering," by Rev. Jim Willig. He is a preist who was dying of renal cancer, and suffering greatly. As a priest, of course the book is very religious, but it really helped me to "see" how someone who is that religious (possibly saintly) could deal with death, and he let it be known that it is OK to be angry with God (which I needed to hear) and to have the "human feelings" that are associated with death.

Big hugs. I know it is so hard to watch someone suffer.