Feel like a disappointment to DH

[JKW1970]

I am 41 and my DH is 40. I have two children from my past marriage. Dh has no children. We got married knowing that I may or may not be able to have more children due to age. We decided to get married last fall but didnt actually get married until Feb. 2012. I got pregnant in Dec 2011 because we figured our odds were so low that waiting until after the wedding was wasting precious time. It was our second month of TTC and we were shocked and thrilled that we got pregnant. We were so happy talking about baby names every night. We fell asleep each night with him hand on my tummy. He even had special pet names for me that were because I was pregnant. Then I had the miscarriage. The special names instantly stopped. It's not like he was going to keep calling me those sweet names and make me feel bad after the loss. Now we are trying IVF and it's failing too. I am not responding to the meds. The dr. says that another protocol might work but we are running out of money and may not get to that better protocol.

I feel like a horrible disappointment to DH. He has never complained. He says that we can try our best and then he happy with however it ends up.

But I know that I am the reason that he will never have children and it breaks my heart. He says all the right things and maybe I should just roll with that but I feel terrible and selfish. Not only that, but I also worry that in a year or two, he will just find a younger woman and have a bunch of kids with her.

I guess I just wanted to vent bc there are no answers to this right now. I guess we all do the best we can.

[angelbelle711]

Hi there JKW,

This is probably something you already know... but don't feel like a disappointment. You both were aware of the difficulties you may have and you both chose to get married anyway. That says something. It also says something that he loves you no matter what, and has made that explicit to you. I, too, go through feelings of inadequacy and worry that one day he will leave me and find some fertile woman out there who can get pregnant in 2 weeks. But, remember that if they are a partner worth having, they will be there whether you have 0 kids with them, or 5 kids with them. It's about self appreciation and knowing that infertility is no one's fault. In my opinion, you also don't 'owe' anyone a child. Sure, you'd love to have a child with your partner, but remember that it is not your duty, or what defines you. In your case, you know that you've 'tried your best', and that's what matters.

Keep your chin up and I wish you the best of luck!