Hopeful, hopeless, I just don't know.

[Joley]

I'm 42 (May 19th) and my husband will be 42 on July 9th. Since going off of the Pill in January of 2011, I had been getting pain that was getting increasingly worse every month around my period. I was diagnosed with endometriosis in January 2012 after an exploratory laparoscopy. I didn't waste any time making an appointment with an RE group. They conducted all of the preliminary testing on my husband and me. I came out OK, no blockages in my tubes, etc. My age was constantly slapping me in the face, however. My husband has low average sperm count, low motility and only 10% of his sperm were "normal". The RE said we would need ICSI. We were only married in July of 2010. (Then my father became seriously ill and died in March of 2011 from lung cancer. Then my mother had to have carotid artery surgery in October of 2011. Now my mother is going thru a terrible divorce from an awful man. My career is in education-middle school-which is a career where you are always told that you are never good enough. Stress follows me like a dark cloud.) This is my first marriage and his second. He was married for 11 years, and they were never able to conceive. He is the oldest of three boys and his brothers have no children. I tried my first IVF cycle in the end of Feb/beginning of March 2012. It was cancelled on day 7 because I had one follicle that was way too much bigger than the others. RE told me they like them all to be close to the same size. I did my second cycle starting April 25, 2012. On May 7, 2012 4 eggs were retrieved, 3 fertilized with ICSI. On the evening of Day 2, my RE called me to say that two were doing well and the third appeared to be deteriorating. He said to come the next morning for a 3-day transfer. On May 10, 2012 two 8-celled embryos were transferred. On May 24th I went for my Beta HcG and tested positive. On May 26th, I was tested again and it hadn't doubled. I went back 3 days later and it had doubled. On June 11th I went for my first u/s. The RE found 1 heartbeat (90 BPM). He was concerned because the gestational sac should be bigger. I was scheduled for another u/s after 10 days. On June 21, 2012 I went for the u/s and got the bad news-no heartbeat. He said the measurements showed that the fetus stopped growing 4 days after my first u/s. They told me to take the weekend to think it over and to call on Monday (yesterday). I am sitting here staring at the phone. It has rained all weekend here in Florida...perfect weather for my mood. My RE recommended a D & C. My RE said not to feel like I did anything wrong-that the cause of most early m/c is chromosome abnormalities. Now I am so worried that there is something wrong with my eggs or his sperm??? I have so many emotions.
I got the cal from my RE's nurse. pre op appt is tomorrow and D& C is Friday morning at 7:00.

[SC-Impatient_in_VA]

Unfortunately your age is against you, as evidenced by the first canceled cycle's big lead follicle and the 2nd cycle's yield of only 4 eggs. This doesn't mean you should give up though -- you did get pregnant so you may be able to again.

The fastest route to a baby at 42 is going to be donor eggs with your husband's sperm ICSI'd in - but you may still be able to get there with your own eggs too.

I'm so sorry you've had this horrible experience. When you have healed, ask your RE what he thinks the best course of action might be. There are no real words to make you feel better during this time, but have hope for the future: the only people who don't take home a baby are the ones who give up without exhausting all the available options.

[Joley]

Thank you for your reply, BC. I am determined to do this with my own eggs. I know this is probably wrong for me to feel this way, but I am terrified of being told I would need donor eggs. I have a hang up about that. I know I need to get over it, but I would feel like that is my husband's baby with another woman. Am I the only one with this hang up?
I am not going to give up hope of having my own eggs. I do feel that it is a good sign that I got PG on my forst full cycle. My friend at work just had a missed m/c in March @ 7 weeks-natural pregnancy and she is 29. I'm just trying to get over feeling like a failure. Sigh....I guess I just need to vent and hear from others who paddling this same boat.

[SC-Impatient_in_VA]

I'm sure you're not the only woman who feels that way. Many women have success with older eggs -- you just have to not give up hope and keep trying, as hard as it is Good luck!

[KimAtFertilityAuthority]

Unfortunately your age is against you, as evidenced by the first canceled cycle's big lead follicle and the 2nd cycle's yield of only 4 eggs. This doesn't mean you should give up though -- you did get pregnant so you may be able to again.

The fastest route to a baby at 42 is going to be donor eggs with your husband's sperm ICSI'd in - but you may still be able to get there with your own eggs too.

I'm so sorry you've had this horrible experience. When you have healed, ask your RE what he thinks the best course of action might be. There are no real words to make you feel better during this time, but have hope for the future: the only people who don't take home a baby are the ones who give up without exhausting all the available options.

Everything BC Impatient said here is spot on....my favorite is the last line about not giving up! I am so sorry you are in this situation. I really hope you are able to use your own eggs (you are definitely not the first person to feel uneasy about using donor egg).

Good luck with the D&C and your next cycle! ((Hugs))

[Joley]

Thanks BC and Kim! I am wondering if I should find out about getting the surgery to remove my endometriosis lesions before starting my next cycle? My RE casually mentioned once that he could remove my endo. That monthly pain is awful!

[KimAtFertilityAuthority]

I am so sorry you have to deal with that pain! One of my close friends has endo and I truly sympathize.

I'd say that since you were able to get pregnant, that the lesions probably aren't interfering too much. If it will make you feel less pain and more confident in your next cycle, though, I say talk to your doc about it. The conversation itself won't hurt anything and you can go from there.

Good luck!

[Joley]

Thanks Kim. I'm going to ask about it tomorrow when I go in for my D & C. I've also been doing some research on acupuncture. Right now I'm just scared because I've started bleeding. I had an u/s yesterday at my pre op appointment to verify that there was no heartbeat. My RE said that the gestational sac showed no signs of detaching from my uterus and it was actually bigger than it was last week?! He said my bleeding is probably coming from a pocket of blood that he can see that is next to the sac. I brought home a specimen container just in case. Now I'm just nervous every time I use he bathroom. I'm purposely not drinking as much water.

[SC-Impatient_in_VA]

Joley If your endo is bad enough that you can feel pain from it, have it removed. There is a slight but not fully proven relationship between lowered egg count/quality and endometriosis. It is not true in all cases across the board, hence why it's not considered a fact, but if you're having pain anyway you might as well have that stuff out before trying again. But do it sooner rather than later.

[KimAtFertilityAuthority]

Yikes. I am so sorry. I really don't know why it would appear bigger than last time. This must be so hard for you Hang in there!