D&C at 12 weeks after prenatal testing

[sri624]

Hello everyone,

I am new to this site. I have been lurking here for a few months and feel that this is a wonderful site. I am 37 years old...and my husband and I started our journey to have a baby about 9 months ago. I couldn't get pregnant....so after six months of trying, we went to a fertility specialist. The doctor told me I have "mild pcos," and that I wasn't ovulating properly. He put me on clomid and we did an IUI. The second time worked....I got pregnant. We were so happy. I was so afraid that I would not be able to conceive since I was "over 35"..."at advanced maternal age." I guess I just never thought I would be considered "old" at 37. At my 12 week prenatal counseling ultrasound and testing, they found serious problems with our child. I ended up having a D&C last week. I am devastated. I miss this child so much. I feel like I am too old...and I feel like because of my age, this could happen again. Is there anyone else out there who has had experience with this? I am just heartbroken. Sometimes the pain in unbearable.

[cpgal]

Oh, hon, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. My situation is similar to your own. I am currently 36, I got pregnant when I was 35 after 11 months of trying and lost my baby at 10 weeks. Our baby was triploidy and was not meant for this earth. The D&C in my case did not go well at all and I ended up having a terrible recovery.

The first few months I just wanted my body back so that I could get pregnant again. Looking back I didn't even realize how depressed, sad, etc. I really was. I completely withdrew from everything and everybody.

It took me four months to realize that I was very depressed and I finally snapped out of the depression portion of the program. Then I went into what I call "crazy" - I was hypervigilant about my fertility and honestly I was stressing myself out and doing no one any good. Just this month when I had another setback with getting my thyroid on track again and "losing" another month I came to the realization if I kept this up I would never get pregnant and I would chase my DH away. And, I just let it all go. I am at peace almost 9 months later.

Don't get me wrong - I still cry for my lost baby (doing it right now). But, I know it was what was meant to be and I now finally believe that it will happen again.

I had trouble conceiving that first time around - and looking back it was sort of a miracle that it happened in the first place but I also know when it happened (as cheesy as this sounds) my DH and I were in a really happy place with one another. I think getting back to that place will help. But, I am old and older women have the odds against them. The media and hollywood make you believe that it is easy to have kids at any age and they don't tell you that it is with medical intervention and donor eggs/sperm. But, I hadn't met my DH and so these are the cards I was dealt and I will make the most of them.

I also have the benefit that I have less than a 1% chance of the same thing (triploidy) happening again and it had nothing to do with maternal or paternal age statistically speaking. That gives some solace. I don't know what your situation is, but I can tell you that with time it will get better.

I would also recommend (and I did this and still am doing this) seeing a counselor that specializes in loss and infertility problems. That has worked very well for both my DH and myself. My poor DH dealt with me for months - grieving, the depression, the craziness, etc. and never got to deal with any of it himself (he lost his baby too). He is just starting to open up about it and it wasn't to me - it was the counselor that finally got him talking.

The counselor has helped me grieve and is helping me to let the stress and anxiety go. I know that we have fertility issues and I also know that adding stress/anxiety on top of the already there issues is not helping the cause.

I hope that it doesn't take you as long as it did for me to move forward in a healthy way.

[sri624]

CPGAL - Thank you so much for your reply....everything you had to say really helped me. I am so very sorry for your loss. The pain of losing a baby is unbearable at times and I understand you crying...even now. I am doing the same thing. Reading your story really, really provided some encouragement. Many times cpgal, I just don't even want to get out of bed. But, I know that with time, it will get better....I have come to realize that. I miss the child so much....I daydream about how old the baby would be now, and how much they would be developing at this point in the pregnancy. I was invited to a babyshower and declined. I just couldn't do it. I have been married for 3 years as well...I met my DH in my 30s...never did I think that having a baby in my late 30s was going to be such a "high risk". Like you, I met my DH later...and that was the cards we were dealt. You are right about the media making it seem like having a child at any age is easy...I guess I believed that too. You advice about the couselor is a good idea...and I am going to take your advice. I have been thinking about it for a while. My DH has been very supportive, although at times I feel as though even he does not understand the sadness that I feel everyday. He just wants to "try again," and I do too, but I am afraid of this happening to us again. I have to just find the strength to do this. I hope your dreams of having a child come true. Thanks so much for your response. I can't tell you how much it helped me.

[cpgal]

Hon, you will get through this but it will be slow. And it months down the road it will hit you at the darndest times -- and baby showers are very, very tough. I have mustered to a few (including my sister who just had her baby - she got pregnant the month after me but she has a baby) but the last one I had to leave early because I was on the verge of losing it and by the time I got out of there I was sobbing the whole way home.

I also think that your miracle will happen. But you need to let yourself heal physically, mentally and emotionally first. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.