Husband thinks "he's" the one with the problem

Babyhopes78 · 09-14-2009, 01:40 PM

My husband and I have been TTC for about 10 months with no luck. He's 37 and I'm 31. A couple months ago he had a SA done and was told of a varicose vain and low morphology (4%). His testosterone was also lower than normal and estrogen was too high. The doctor put him on Clomid for 6 months (he's been on it for 2 months so far). A long with a couple of other non related health issues, he has been really down and depressed. He constantly says, "It's my problem" or "I'm the one with the problem". I try to comfort him and assure him that the issue is OUR issue...and in reality it isn't an issue to me because he's receiving treatment. I don't know what to do to try and keep his spirits lifted. He's slipping into a depression and says things like "I don't want to try having kids anymore". Each time he says that it's devastating to me, because he's giving up hope one us having a family. I really hope deep down he doesn't feel that way and is mainly the depression issues. I really need some advise or help on how to address this. We've talked about him talking to a professional about his depression and he refused. We are going to marriage counseling currently (only had one session so far) because the baby planning has been a major strain on our relationship, along with him being depressed and unhappy with himself. It's so hard to put my feelings on hold, being I want a baby so bad. I cry almost every night because I'm sadden by all this. If anyone has been where I've been or can offer any encouraging words, please share. I would love to hear from you.
*
Thanks

LPNbabe · 09-14-2009, 02:34 PM

My DH is 38 and im 30, and we've been ttc for three years. Ive had HSG and bloodwork and everything is fine. so now we move onto DH's SA. he's starting to worry that maybe it is him. and all i say is that even if it is, there's treatments available. just like if there was an issue with me.

Be patient. 10 months is not the end of the world. and before you think im patronizing you., im not. ive been there and we are now at three years so just listen to what im saying.

guys process emotions and depression different woman do. just be supportive and encouraging. dont talk about it unless he does. i think he just needs some time. and my DH would never go to therapy i think its a guy/pride thing. so in the meantime, keep yourself busy and distracted from all things baby. take some classes at the college or learn a new hobby. (ive done both, i went to nursing school and i crochet alot) guys really dont like pressure. it makes them very tense. so ease up. my DH knows that i need a SA from him, but he'll do it in his own time and he will, but in his own time and when he's ready.

HolmesHX2 · 09-15-2009, 09:40 PM

I have to agree. Men process things very differently. They also have HUGE issues with pride my husband refuses to do a SA especially since we know I don't ovulate and his guys haven't had a chance plus he has kids from a previous marriage. You can not put pressure on them no matter what or why or they snap. I know personally I blame myself for not having kids its MY body that wont work right so I feel guilty and down even though hubby tells me it's not my fault it's just like if I got a cold or something there was nothing to prevent it but no matter how supportive he is I still have my weak times. When it comes to anything down there men get extremely sensitive so the fact that his guys aren't working he probably feels like WAY less of a man (I feel that way about not being a full woman because of my issues) I wouldn't talk about it unless he brings it up and then just let him know hes all man and you love him no matter what and do not press the issue of a baby because adding "performance anxiety" or a time line is just going to make it that much harder for him. Plus remember hes on a hormone so whatever hes feeling is going to be intensified as well. If you are having trouble with it all feel free to go to counseling on your own but it may not be what he needs. I'm all for counseling so please dont feel like i'm being hard on you. I just know personally every month that goes by I feel like it was a waste. He knows you want children thats why hes doing all of this telling him you want them or keeping track of how long has gone by without being pregnant is just going to make him feel worse. Kind of think of it as taking a really hard test on a subject you know nothing about then everytime you get the answer wrong someone telling you and telling you how many times you answered incorrectly and how long you've been taking the test and all you keep doing is failing. Miserable situation to be he knows hes letting you down and thats hard plus add hormones on top of it and its a bad combo. Sorry I know this is a ramble. In conlusion just keep your issues to yourself talk them over with your own therapist and let him handle things on his own for now. If you have the pressure off of him it might make him more receptive to other options just dont push them on him. Each person has to cope with this all in their own way. 'm sorry you have to wait I know its really hard with the biological clock screaming in your ear but unfortunately IF is a hurry up and wait game.

09-14-2009, 01:40 PM	#1 (permalink)
Babyhopes78 0-99 post 2 of hearts Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 2	Husband thinks "he's" the one with the problem My husband and I have been TTC for about 10 months with no luck. He's 37 and I'm 31. A couple months ago he had a SA done and was told of a varicose vain and low morphology (4%). His testosterone was also lower than normal and estrogen was too high. The doctor put him on Clomid for 6 months (he's been on it for 2 months so far). A long with a couple of other non related health issues, he has been really down and depressed. He constantly says, "It's my problem" or "I'm the one with the problem". I try to comfort him and assure him that the issue is OUR issue...and in reality it isn't an issue to me because he's receiving treatment. I don't know what to do to try and keep his spirits lifted. He's slipping into a depression and says things like "I don't want to try having kids anymore". Each time he says that it's devastating to me, because he's giving up hope one us having a family. I really hope deep down he doesn't feel that way and is mainly the depression issues. I really need some advise or help on how to address this. We've talked about him talking to a professional about his depression and he refused. We are going to marriage counseling currently (only had one session so far) because the baby planning has been a major strain on our relationship, along with him being depressed and unhappy with himself. It's so hard to put my feelings on hold, being I want a baby so bad. I cry almost every night because I'm sadden by all this. If anyone has been where I've been or can offer any encouraging words, please share. I would love to hear from you. * Thanks

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09-14-2009, 02:34 PM	#2 (permalink)
LPNbabe 0-99 post 2 of hearts Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: massachusetts Posts: 32 Blog Entries: 2	My DH is 38 and im 30, and we've been ttc for three years. Ive had HSG and bloodwork and everything is fine. so now we move onto DH's SA. he's starting to worry that maybe it is him. and all i say is that even if it is, there's treatments available. just like if there was an issue with me. Be patient. 10 months is not the end of the world. and before you think im patronizing you., im not. ive been there and we are now at three years so just listen to what im saying. guys process emotions and depression different woman do. just be supportive and encouraging. dont talk about it unless he does. i think he just needs some time. and my DH would never go to therapy i think its a guy/pride thing. so in the meantime, keep yourself busy and distracted from all things baby. take some classes at the college or learn a new hobby. (ive done both, i went to nursing school and i crochet alot) guys really dont like pressure. it makes them very tense. so ease up. my DH knows that i need a SA from him, but he'll do it in his own time and he will, but in his own time and when he's ready.

09-15-2009, 09:40 PM	#3 (permalink)
HolmesHX2 300-399 post 5 of hearts Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: South Korea right now Posts: 310	I have to agree. Men process things very differently. They also have HUGE issues with pride my husband refuses to do a SA especially since we know I don't ovulate and his guys haven't had a chance plus he has kids from a previous marriage. You can not put pressure on them no matter what or why or they snap. I know personally I blame myself for not having kids its MY body that wont work right so I feel guilty and down even though hubby tells me it's not my fault it's just like if I got a cold or something there was nothing to prevent it but no matter how supportive he is I still have my weak times. When it comes to anything down there men get extremely sensitive so the fact that his guys aren't working he probably feels like WAY less of a man (I feel that way about not being a full woman because of my issues) I wouldn't talk about it unless he brings it up and then just let him know hes all man and you love him no matter what and do not press the issue of a baby because adding "performance anxiety" or a time line is just going to make it that much harder for him. Plus remember hes on a hormone so whatever hes feeling is going to be intensified as well. If you are having trouble with it all feel free to go to counseling on your own but it may not be what he needs. I'm all for counseling so please dont feel like i'm being hard on you. I just know personally every month that goes by I feel like it was a waste. He knows you want children thats why hes doing all of this telling him you want them or keeping track of how long has gone by without being pregnant is just going to make him feel worse. Kind of think of it as taking a really hard test on a subject you know nothing about then everytime you get the answer wrong someone telling you and telling you how many times you answered incorrectly and how long you've been taking the test and all you keep doing is failing. Miserable situation to be he knows hes letting you down and thats hard plus add hormones on top of it and its a bad combo. Sorry I know this is a ramble. In conlusion just keep your issues to yourself talk them over with your own therapist and let him handle things on his own for now. If you have the pressure off of him it might make him more receptive to other options just dont push them on him. Each person has to cope with this all in their own way. 'm sorry you have to wait I know its really hard with the biological clock screaming in your ear but unfortunately IF is a hurry up and wait game.