Need advice and support (Preg, M/C ment)

[alyn7803]

I am new to posting, but am running out of steam and could use some help. I wish I could be making some of this up, but in the past f 4 1/2 months, my dh and I have been through a lot. I had surgery to discover my pelvis was beginning to fuse together from the endo, the cysts that ended with the removal of my right ovary have started on the left one now; I had a hemorrhagic cyst rupture from the fertility drugs resulting in hospitalization; during the hospitalization, found out I was preg, only to m/c 3 days later; one of my closest friends, who has been through this and understands, is pregnant and due the week I was (It took her a month to even be able to tell me); and when I was just thinking I was going to get to breathe - my SIL just found out she is pregnant. I am reaching the end of my rope. This takes on a whole new type of pain. My DH and I don't have much left to help support each other. And the further we go down this road, the harder it is to find people who understand the difficulties it presents. My SIL who is preg is married to the sibling I am closest to and I am afraid this will jeopardize our relationship. I want so much to be happy for them, but find myself crying and envious instead. They are understanding, but it is so excruciating to be around her while everyone is congratulating her. But it is unavoidable. We are a very close, religious family and it would involve choosing to worship elsewhere or not at all. My parents were out of town when they found out, so this weekend I face watching my parents and my brother and SIL interact for the first time with the news. I want them to be able to be free to express their excitement without having to damper it to be sensitive to me, but I just don't know how I am going to endure this. My parents certainly have every right, just as my bro and SIL to be very excited about this. It is my parent's first grandchild and my bro and SIL were going through fertility tx as well. But I just can't deal with this. I don't know how. For those of you that have experienced the pregnancy of siblings, how have you handled it? I don't want to disrupt our family over it, but I am at a lost as to how to deal with this. Sorry this is so long, but thank-you in advance.
Mandy

[Melbelle]

Hi Mandy, I am new here too.
I am sorry you are having such a tough time with this, it is a painful situation. I know it is hard to share in the joy right now. The best advice i can offer you if to keep the faith, pray and trust that whatever is in store for you is what is meant to be. You are right you and your husband have been through a lot, and it seems like your family would understand if you needed some time to withdraw for a while. I can relate, but not quite to the same extent.
We conceived in august but within a week of finding out, we discovered we were losing the pregnancy. We've been trying ever since (I have PCOS). Everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant, including close friends. It is extremely hard to share in their joys, and to not feel bitter or jealous. It definitely takes effort. There are good days and bad days. It is especially annoying when one of the girls here at work whines about her baby moving around too much... and I think to myself I would give anything to feel a baby kicking me, and she is over there complaining about it, it just isn't fair. It makes me want to avoid her. I do not want to withdraw or let if affect my friendship, but at the same time it is difficult to try to share in the joy.
Hang in there, I will pray for you. I hope you can find some peace soon and find a way to let go of all the hurt. I know it isn't easy. Try to take some time-outs for yourself, treat yourself to some pampering or whatever it is you enjoy.... you have been through so much, you deserve a break!!

[alyn7803]

Melbelle - Thank you for your response. I know exactly what you are talking about. It seems to come in waves where all of a sudden, everyone is announcing that they are pregnant. Soon, you find yourself all alone as the only childless one of the group. I also know there are good days and bad. It's just that the pregnancy of a sibling has hit much harder than I expected. I have lost my "safe place". My family is where I could hide out in a child free zone and not have to have my defenses up for the next talk about children or pregnancy. It's gone now and I am really not sure how to handle it. Thank you for the prayers and support. Mandy

[mtroth]

Hi Mandy...I just wanted to offer some support to you...My brothers have FIVE children each and my sister and I have none. However, when they were having their kids, I wasn't ready, so it wasn't much of an impact on me like it is for you. I have a friend at work who is pregnant and wanted to tell her brother....when she told her parents, they begged her not to tell her brother as her SIL had just miscarried. She was sick with emotion and felt HORRIBLE! I can only imagine how difficult it was for her....such mixed emotions...happy for herself, but feeling terrible for her brother and SIL. Anyway....maybe taking your mind off of your own pain and thinking about how others feel will help you just a tiny bit. Shoot...I need to take my OWN advice!!

Lots of baby dust your way!
Maria

[Just Today]

I have a good idea of what you are going thru. I had my first m/c the day that my sis delivered her 2nd ds. It wasn't 4 mos later that she told me that she was pg once again (actually, I told her since she was concerned about why she had never gotten af after having baby #2). As happy as I was for her, my heart was breaking for me and my dh. And I HATED myself and the terrible feeling s I had when she told the rest of our family----I just wanted her to stop smiling so much! I ended up seeking counseling for all of the feelings that I was having. He told me that the mind acts as a defense mechanism and alot of the feelings that I was having were actually masks to protect me from the real pain and that this was definitely a time in my life that I needed to just focus on what was right for me and not worry about offending other ppl. I had to tell my sis that as happy as I was for her, I had to take a step back and she shouldn't take it personally -just as I wasn't taking her continuing her life-it was just what I needed to do for me.

Good luck---all of this really stinks but I hope you find what you need to get thru this.