How To Help My Wife

[Nervoushubby]

Hi everyone. I'm new to this board. I'm 37, my wife is 36 and we've been ttc for 3.5 years. We're on our 1st IVF cycle and we transfered what the doctor called 2 beautiful blastocysts on 1/30/2006. We find out on 2/13. I have a really good feeling about this, but my wife is dead set on staying negative. What can I do to help her? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[KnittingMarie]

You are such a sweet husband!

I think every person experiencing IF goes through "cycles" of emotions, hopeful and patient, hopeful and anxious, discouraged and impatient, discouraged and dejected...the list goes on. They are all normal and none of them are "wrong."

I would say that the best thing that you can do is just listen to her, let her cry and DON'T try to "fix" the problem. I don't want to get into a bunch of gender cliches, but I think it is often true that when a woman tells a man about a problem the man immediately begins suggesting "solutions" when all the woman wants is for someone to listen and try to understand her frustrations.

So, speak a little and listen a lot. Love her, surprise her with flowers or a little gift, but most of all, love her, show her how you love her, and then love her some more.

If you think she would like to read about coping with infertility I can HIGHLY recommend the book, "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. It is truly wonderful and comforting for women experiencing infertility.

Good luck, and God Bless.

[MEstrada]

What a great husband you are for coming here to look for help. She's a lucky girl.

I can tell you from experience that sometimes it feels "safer" to be negative, so allow her that to a certain extent. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it is such an emotional rollercoaster from being proactive with injections and appointments, to just literally sitting around waiting for your miracle to happen.

What I was looking for from my husband during those times of negativity is not only a strong shoulder to cry on, but to hear that he would love me anyway, it wasn't our fault, and that we were in this together. He also reminded me how much we and the doctors learned about our situation to make it happen. (Our second IVF worked).

Remind her there are not necessarily any "signs" during a 2 week wait of pregnancy (trust me, I didn't have any!), and continue to encourage her to think positive thoughts.

Wishing you and your wife all the best for your miracle!

Maria

[Nervoushubby]

Maria and Iowa,
Thank you so much for the responses! Yes, husbands, including me do want to "fix" things. LOL Seriously, everything you both said makes tremendous sense and I absolutely understand what you're saying.

[Hopeful:)]

Just wanted to wish you and your wife the best of luck for Feb. 13th!!!

You are such a caring husband!! I agree with the gals. Just reassure her that you are there for her and that it is ok to cry or feel nervous.

Perhaps she is taking the neg. stance b/c she might be afraid of getting her hopes up.

You might want to buy her a journal, so she can write her emotions down whenever she feels like it. I felt this helped me to release those feelings that come with IF.

Good luck!

Hopeful

[KnittingMarie]

By the way...it seems like lots of the gals on these boards are testing on Feb 13, we are hoping it will be a VERY lucky day, full of positive tests! You and your wife are not alone!