Beating Myself Up (abortion mentioned)

[Poison_Ivy]

I am not sure where to post this, but I have been having a hard time lately. I have really been beating myself up. I keep thinking that all of my infertility issues stem back to this. A long time ago, I had an abortion. At the time, I honestly believed i didn't have any other choice even though i didn't want to go through with it even at that time. The father did not want anything to do with the baby, my health wasn't the greatest (in fact, my health was sort of horrible so it would have been a difficult pregnancy), and my mother said she would throw me out if I didn't do it. She sat through and told me all the reasons why I didn't have any other choice and i believed her. I hate myself for listening to her and not protecting my child.

Now, after ttc for nearly 7 years, I beat myself up every time I get another BFN. I feel like this is my punishment for not protecting the child I would have had so long ago. The self-loathing can be unbearable sometime. I find myself thinking that maybe I don't deserve to be a mother because of what I did. I know I shouldn't beat myself up repeatedly like this, but my mind just can't seem to forgive me.....that probably sounds stupid.

What kills me the most is that DH would be such a truly wonderful father. I feel like it's my fault that he may have to go without.

Sorry about all of the negativity in this post, but I wasn't sure where else I could let it all out. I just can't seem to stop crying lately (it's always the BFN that sets of the water works and the self pity). I just can't help but think about how old my chold would be now and what s/he would be like. I feel really pathetic.....

[nancydrew]

Poison Ivy, I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. I don't really have any advice or anything, I just wanted to let you know that your story really touched my heart. I hope that you find peace and forgiveness very soon.

[futuremother]

Hey PoisonIvy, if you're still out there...

had similar thing in past history. I know the emotional struggle you are going through and it is indescribable to others. What is past is past and now you have every reason to be a mother and just as much of a right as others. Has your husband been tested? It is half of the equation, you know.

Don't despair. Plenty of people experience "secondary infertility" and this is how you should categorize it in your mind to help deal. Forgive yourself.

[Poison_Ivy]

Thank you, nancydrew and futuremother. I was hoping that someone out there understood how I feel. I do not feel as depressed now, it is always bad when I get yet another bfn. Or maybe the depression and guilt is a side effect from all the clomid? But the main thing I know I do need to work on is forgiveness. It's difficult for me to do that, even in other things in life.....

futuremother - dh is fine. my problem is that I do not ovulate for some reason. I have done Clomid and HcG injections and the doctor says that the ultrasound shows I ovulated then, but still bfn. I have had problems with cysts on my ovaries, but my OB/GYN (who never explains ANYTHING to me) has never told me if they were an issue or not.

I think we are taking a break from the fertility meds for a while. I am going to try the herbal approach and try to get my body to work on its own instead of pumping in the meds all the time. I also think that I definitely need an emotional break. Seeing that bfn month after month is really getting to be draining.

Thanks again for your replies! I really needed someone to tell me that I'm not alone.

[TTCyears]

I am glad you are feeling better. For me, CD3 is my worst day (asides from PMS) of each TTC cycle. But it too passes.

I am closing in on 7 yrs TTC. I also wonder if it was this or that, or is this or that, or ... bluck! It's crazy making. When my BFF rolls her eyes I know I am saying something completely irrational, but there's that part of me that believes it, or is just too exhausted not to.

Yes, you're not alone.

Hugs,
~Sharon