How do you decide when the journey is over?

samuelsmom · 10-21-2009, 02:13 PM

We are entering our 3rd cylce of Clomid on the 2nd round of follicle tracking. The first 4 cycles were u/s and injections with planned bding. Nothing. Now we are on the 3rd and last cycle of Clomid I will use. We are using IUI assistance this time. I am blocked on the left side so we have only had one attempt with IUI last month as had 2 follicles on the left that were 23 and 24 mm and they gave a followup shot so I was almost 3 weeks before AF and I had gotten my hopes up pretty high. I thought so many things were going our way that it had to finally work. We are on cycle 32 ttc... I will be 42 in May and I just never imagined it would be this difficult.

I knew if we were not pregnant I would be very upset but when AF came I felt so sad my body has hurt with it for the last 4 days. I just want to cry and then cry some more. I know that it does not change the circumstances but I feel like the end of medical assistance is coming to an end. I can't take how I feel on Clomid. I get so stressed out, anxious, I can't sleep, I am usually pretty calm usually and now I feel like I could explore.. and the anger I feel seems to be more associated with the drugs than how I really feel. I did not go to work today as I just can't deal with the customers and their problems. So I called my doctor and am waiting for him to get back to me. He has been great about supporting me but he is busy and I am not sure when he will call.. talk about increasing my stress levels.. I think part of how I feel is because I am "in it" and I don't feel like I can see it clearly. I decided to write out my feelings in a post so that maybe you ladies can share your thoughts. My DH does not get it and does not want to talk about it. When I tried he just said he did not get his hopes up and other than a pat on my hand had little in the way of words to comfort me. Just the way he is I know but I feel like the burden falls on me to figure out how to get past this.

I think that the doctors and I agree Clomid is not for me and as I do appear to ovulate that maybe they can try follicle monitoring without clomid to continue assistance further. I have not heard from the IVF clinic yet but with my age etc by the time they call and even agree to see us so much time has passed. The irony is when we started we said we would not do IUI or IVF and now I feel desperate to do what I can before the line gets drawn in the sand. Normal? Not sure. I do think we will have to wind down soon and then move forward with our lives. I think that is part of what I am mourning this week as well. How do you decide when the journey is over? Thanks for listening.

barren-bipolar · 10-22-2009, 05:23 AM

Thanks for sharing your story. I don't think there is any formula that helps us know when it's time to stop. That's part of the reason it is so hard to get closure with infertility. I think we all will gradually come to an awareness that the time is probably nearing. Over months or years we become more used to the idea that we can stop putting ourselves through this torture. I hope.

We just had our discussion about stopping last night, actually. We were walking together outside and I thought maybe, just maybe... I saw my husband tearing up a bit. He kept wiping his nose and I'm not sure it was because of the cold air. He's a very macho man by the way! It affects men, too... we just don't always catch their fleeting expressions and defense mechanisms.

Fortunately, we both are creative people and we're already thinking of ways that we can enrich our lives if we decide to live child-free. We also did a bit of "sour grapes" rationalizing which I'm not sure if that is healthy/unhealthy but it's very human.

We've decided to possibly do one or two more IVFs and then probably stop. We toss around the idea of gestational surrogacy. I am younger than you, but my ovaries seem to be older than my chronological age.

What we wouldn't give for a bit more time...

Poison_Ivy · 10-22-2009, 09:37 AM

I guess the time to decide to stop the fertility treatments is when you can both finally accept the infertility. I honestly don't know if I'll ever get there.

I have been ttc for almost 7 years and every month I tell myself I'm not going to think about it, this is the month to take a break from the stress, but every time I end up calling the doctor to see what we can try next. I have done 5 rounds of clomid, the last one with the HcG trigger shot.

It's kind of like going through the grieving process. Once there is acceptacne, it's a little easier to move on.

Good luck to you, samuelsmom, I wish you the best!!! Thanks for sharing

samuelsmom · 10-22-2009, 02:26 PM

Thanks Ladies.. your words mean a lot to me. I think I am finally starting to grieve the decision to stop soon and that if we have a miracle that we will be ever so grateful and if we don't we too will learn what will make out lives full. I will continue to fight the good fight will I can and also accept that not getting pregnant does not take away from who I am or what I was put on this earth for. I just have to get past this sadness that just weighs me down this week. I had such hope that things would work last cycle and when AF showed up I was crushed. I could not speak about it other than to tell my husband I was not pregnant for the first day. I am a talker so I knew that was speaking volumes to how I was feeling. It is easing a bit as we gear up for this cycle and treatment. I wish you success in every stage of your journey and I think I will put on my seatbelt and step in for a couple more rides.. hugs

10-21-2009, 02:13 PM	#1 (permalink)
samuelsmom 0-99 post 2 of hearts Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Saskatchewan Canada Posts: 7	How do you decide when the journey is over? We are entering our 3rd cylce of Clomid on the 2nd round of follicle tracking. The first 4 cycles were u/s and injections with planned bding. Nothing. Now we are on the 3rd and last cycle of Clomid I will use. We are using IUI assistance this time. I am blocked on the left side so we have only had one attempt with IUI last month as had 2 follicles on the left that were 23 and 24 mm and they gave a followup shot so I was almost 3 weeks before AF and I had gotten my hopes up pretty high. I thought so many things were going our way that it had to finally work. We are on cycle 32 ttc... I will be 42 in May and I just never imagined it would be this difficult. I knew if we were not pregnant I would be very upset but when AF came I felt so sad my body has hurt with it for the last 4 days. I just want to cry and then cry some more. I know that it does not change the circumstances but I feel like the end of medical assistance is coming to an end. I can't take how I feel on Clomid. I get so stressed out, anxious, I can't sleep, I am usually pretty calm usually and now I feel like I could explore.. and the anger I feel seems to be more associated with the drugs than how I really feel. I did not go to work today as I just can't deal with the customers and their problems. So I called my doctor and am waiting for him to get back to me. He has been great about supporting me but he is busy and I am not sure when he will call.. talk about increasing my stress levels.. I think part of how I feel is because I am "in it" and I don't feel like I can see it clearly. I decided to write out my feelings in a post so that maybe you ladies can share your thoughts. My DH does not get it and does not want to talk about it. When I tried he just said he did not get his hopes up and other than a pat on my hand had little in the way of words to comfort me. Just the way he is I know but I feel like the burden falls on me to figure out how to get past this. I think that the doctors and I agree Clomid is not for me and as I do appear to ovulate that maybe they can try follicle monitoring without clomid to continue assistance further. I have not heard from the IVF clinic yet but with my age etc by the time they call and even agree to see us so much time has passed. The irony is when we started we said we would not do IUI or IVF and now I feel desperate to do what I can before the line gets drawn in the sand. Normal? Not sure. I do think we will have to wind down soon and then move forward with our lives. I think that is part of what I am mourning this week as well. How do you decide when the journey is over? Thanks for listening.

10-22-2009, 05:23 AM	#2 (permalink)
barren-bipolar 300-399 post 5 of hearts Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: New York City Posts: 351	Thanks for sharing your story. I don't think there is any formula that helps us know when it's time to stop. That's part of the reason it is so hard to get closure with infertility. I think we all will gradually come to an awareness that the time is probably nearing. Over months or years we become more used to the idea that we can stop putting ourselves through this torture. I hope. We just had our discussion about stopping last night, actually. We were walking together outside and I thought maybe, just maybe... I saw my husband tearing up a bit. He kept wiping his nose and I'm not sure it was because of the cold air. He's a very macho man by the way! It affects men, too... we just don't always catch their fleeting expressions and defense mechanisms. Fortunately, we both are creative people and we're already thinking of ways that we can enrich our lives if we decide to live child-free. We also did a bit of "sour grapes" rationalizing which I'm not sure if that is healthy/unhealthy but it's very human. We've decided to possibly do one or two more IVFs and then probably stop. We toss around the idea of gestational surrogacy. I am younger than you, but my ovaries seem to be older than my chronological age. What we wouldn't give for a bit more time... __________________ me (34) DH (51), TTC #1 low ovarian reserve, hypothyroid, egg quality issues beginning IVF #3- looking for a golden egg http://bravebarrenbipolar.wordpress.com Last edited by barren-bipolar; 10-22-2009 at 05:27 AM.

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10-22-2009, 09:37 AM	#3 (permalink)
Poison_Ivy 0-99 post 2 of hearts Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 35	I guess the time to decide to stop the fertility treatments is when you can both finally accept the infertility. I honestly don't know if I'll ever get there. I have been ttc for almost 7 years and every month I tell myself I'm not going to think about it, this is the month to take a break from the stress, but every time I end up calling the doctor to see what we can try next. I have done 5 rounds of clomid, the last one with the HcG trigger shot. It's kind of like going through the grieving process. Once there is acceptacne, it's a little easier to move on. Good luck to you, samuelsmom, I wish you the best!!! Thanks for sharing

10-22-2009, 02:26 PM	#4 (permalink)
samuelsmom 0-99 post 2 of hearts Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Saskatchewan Canada Posts: 7	Thanks Ladies.. your words mean a lot to me. I think I am finally starting to grieve the decision to stop soon and that if we have a miracle that we will be ever so grateful and if we don't we too will learn what will make out lives full. I will continue to fight the good fight will I can and also accept that not getting pregnant does not take away from who I am or what I was put on this earth for. I just have to get past this sadness that just weighs me down this week. I had such hope that things would work last cycle and when AF showed up I was crushed. I could not speak about it other than to tell my husband I was not pregnant for the first day. I am a talker so I knew that was speaking volumes to how I was feeling. It is easing a bit as we gear up for this cycle and treatment. I wish you success in every stage of your journey and I think I will put on my seatbelt and step in for a couple more rides.. hugs