Committing to the Process

[somerset]

Hi,

I'm new to this place and like everything else about my first IVF/ICSI cycle, I wish I'd done this sooner. Being pregnant for 6 glorious weeks and then having it all taken away has been absolutely devastating. You see, with so many factors working against us we did not even think we would get pregnant. We honestly thought it was something we would try once so that we could say we tried and not feel regret living a life with no kids of our own. We were very blasé about the whole thing. Not anymore.

I'm 40 years old with a severely tilted uterus and an unusually small cervix. I'm also overweight. My husband had reversal surgery 6 years ago for a vasectomy he had 15 years ago (he's 44). We've been trying naturally for 5 years and consulted the clinic last year, where they came back saying that he had 100% antibodies and we would never have gotten pregnant.

During the first part of the process my goal was to keep things as normal as possible in our marriage. So, I did not subject my husband to a lot of research or details. I followed the instructions, attended appointments and basically life carried on. We didn't tell anyone what we were doing.

During the second phase of this process I worried a lot about the pain that each step was going to take. The HSG was traumatic for me with my small cervix and the doctor actually yelled at me to keep still while a nurse held me down. Again, because we honestly did not think we would be able to get pregnant, I was not focused on the whole "short term pain for longterm gain" thing. I just kept asking myself why I was doing this.

I was absolutley surprised when the egg retrieval and subsequent tranfer of 4 embryos occurred, because suddenly the whole thing became real to me. It meant something. And after we got the call saying we were pregnant, life changed. My husband started talking about baby names and we made trips to baby stores just to window shop and dream. I felt like I was wrapped up a warm, happy love cocoon.

I started spotting (brown) 2 weeks ago, not long after we got the good news. I called the clinic about it and they kept saying it was normal and it was old blood due to the puncture wounds from the egg retrieval. When the blood turned red and I started cramping on the weekend, we went to the hopital. My heart broke when the doc told me that my betas were only 16. And yesterday they were 5. So, it's done.

We have decided to try again because we got pregnant. What I'm terrified about is that I feel there are things I could have done better - that losing the baby might have been avoided. First of all I'm about 50 Lbs. overweight. Secondly, I took my pre-natal vitamins and folic acid but some of my injections and suppositories were late by an hour here or there if I was stuck in traffic or with a client at work. I though to myself "Well, all kinds of women are out there are pregnant and smoking crack, not having these meds, and having healthy babies." And I would just not stress about it too much.

I didn't even take any time off work. I just went on with life as though nothing was going on. And I didn't do any research. You can see, I don't know any of your acronyms or sayings you guys use and I feel like it's the first day of kindergarten for me.

I thought I was protecting myself by not becoming too invested in the process. Now I see that was wrong and it's really just like falling in love: you have to risk getting your heart stomped on in order to reap the benefits.

I'm so heartbroken, you guys. I had life inside me and I felt like a whole person and real woman for the first time in my life and I didn't even know that was what was missing.

We're meeting with the doc again at the end of October and are hoping to start again with #2 cycle in Jan/Feb. That gives me 4 months to shed some weight and gain some knowledge.

Sorry this was so long and thanks for listening. I just really needed to get that off my chest.

Somerset

[Hunter11]

Full commitment is a brave thing, but don't be so hard on yourself about not committing earlier - many women here have done everything under the sun to improve their chances and still haven't conceived. A lot of it is just uncontrollable, out of our hands...

[TTCyears]

Somerset, I hear ya. A pg is life changing, even one that ends too early.

I'm facing my potential sharp decline in fertility and up until I've been taking my time. I did the research and heard the experiences and still I chose to wait. Will I regret this one day? Maybe a little, but mostly not, because I am making my choices the best I can and I don't know how it would have gone otherwise. We just don't know. If you had tried sooner, if you hadn't at all, if you had tried this or that ... who knows?

FYI - RESOLVE.org did have a survey asking if women were educated about fertility and age and I, for one, wasn't (they didn't cover that when I got my BSEE) - so I think they're on to something. Even so, I have the information now and am still faced with complex choices (options, risks).

Your loss may or may not have anything to do with how you cared for yourself after transfer and it most likely was not in your control. You know the stats for pg loss, yes? You know the stats for a normally fertile couple at 40, yes? Put those two together and try, try again is normal (hard to say the least, but normal). You do have a plan to try again! You're on track!

Hang in there!

Hugs,
~S

[somerset]

Thanks for the wonderful repsonses, guys. I really do wish I had been here a lot sooner. Our new appointment is in 10 days to discuss trying again - I'm excited about it!

I'm wishing you all the best of luck and NO STRESS. I think that's the key...