End of the road for us

[CeeNZ]

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted on here in a while (and never very much) but have lurked a lot. We've just had our second failed cycle and it looks like it's not worth trying any more. We're out of time, out of eggs, and out of money - I have high FSH, am 39, and had ZERO response in my first cycle (microdose flare) and then a very, veeeeery slow and poor response to my second (the most aggressive A/ACP available, with EP).

We travelled from New Zealand to Las Vegas to see Dr Sher at SIRM for the second cycle and it cost us a year's salary...yep (thanks to the exchange rate and the fact that we are both self-employed in the arts...). We got just four follicles that resulted in two embryos - one just a five-cell grade 1 and one an eight-cell grade 2. Just got the BFN yesterday and we're devastated.

It's not just the prospect of not having a BABY...it's not having everything else that follows on from that - friendship with other families; watching your child grow and learn and develop interests of his/her own; seeing what career path they take; seeing them settle down and have their own families. A normal life, in other words. We are just numb. I don't know how we're going to get over this...it feels like a life sentence that we'll keep suffering through forever as we watch everyone else with children go through those rites of passage.

Oh, and yesterday, when I told an acquaintance about the negative result, she said "you can always get a cat". AAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH.

Thanks for listening.

[Montygat]

Cee: I'm over on the High FSH board, and I saw your post and wanted to say how sorry I am for your BFN. I remember how horrible those BFNs were for me (my highest FSH was 52). Take some time for yourself and hold on to each other. The loss you've suffered, well, it's beyond comprehension.

As is the "cat" comment. Wow. And I thought I'd heard EVERY dumb, insensitive response about infertility. That's the stupidest. BTW, I had a cat- he was the best, but at 10 years old he died unexpectedly when I was 12 weeks pregnant. I was devastated- he was my buddy- he will always, always be in my heart, but he wasn't a child. People are dumb.

My heart goes out to you and I truly do feel that if you decide to go another route to parenthood, your baby(s) will find you someway, somehow.

But most of all, I wish your heart healing and your spirit peace.

Blessings to you and your partner.

[CeeNZ]

Thanks for your kind words, Montygat...I recognise you from the High FSH board.

We have a cat too, who is a lovely little soul, and quite a comfort at the moment...but yes, it's hardly the same as a baby! What do you say to someone like that? "That's a good idea, but I imagine the breastfeeding would be a challenge"...?!

[lyndiloo]

I haven't been on the forum for at least 3 months (after my last BFN), but saw your post today and wanted to reply.

I am sorry to hear that your trip to Las Vegas resulted with a BFN. That is so devastating and very unfair....

I completely understand your comments about the rites of passage. We too feel that we have been robbed of that. I have had to get my head around the fact that I can't have my own biological children - and even though its been almost a year I am still trying to come to terms with it.

Sometimes I find it difficult to be around other expecting mothers and even mums that have young ones with them. I hope in time this will pass.

If you decide to go down the egg donor route please check out prices in Aus as I think they are much cheaper than NZ.

I have one more FET left (using half-sister donated egg). Alas the first 3 embryos were BFN's so this is definitely my last chance saloon.

I wish you strength and courage x

[TTCyears]

Cee, I am sorry.

I've explored the idea of a child-free lifestyle. I have a few couple friends who made that choice, half under our circumstances: infertility/pregnancy loss. (I say "choice", because here adoption is available to most folks, but has its pros and cons when it's free). Personally, my DH "requires" that we have children so child-free living is on the back burner (but still in my mind obviously). When I was looking into it I listened to a free tele-seminar by RESOLVE(.org). It was awesome. The speaker was candid and upbeat. She acknowledged that it was a hard choice to be faced with - to say the least! I don't recall what she said about grieving, but I am sure she mentioned it. She had TONS of suggestions as to how to successfully engage in a "fertile" society. She said there are still moments when she strongly misses having a child, but they are further in between. I got the impression she's in her late 50's. She was very sensitive to where the listener's were. I wish RESOLVE had the tele-seminars available to be re-played (they record them), it might be worth asking. I did find two library books on living child-free following infertility.

You made a tremendous effort to bear a child. I am sorry it was not "rewarded". I honor your courage and send lots of hugs for you in this difficult time.

~Sharon

[CeeNZ]

Hi lyndiloo and TTCyears and thanks to you both for your kind thoughts.

Lyndiloo, I'm so sorry about your recent BFN. It is just so unfair, isn't it? Yes, "robbed" is the perfect way of describing how it feels. On the news here at the moment there's yet another story about yet another baby who has died from injuries apparently inflicted by one or both parents. It's hard to accept that people like that get to have children, while we can't. And yes, I understand what you mean by finding it hard to be around expectant mothers or mothers with young children. I spend a lot of time staring at the ground these days in the supermarket or at the park, just so I don't have to see them. I wish you all the luck in the world for your last-chance cycle.

Sharon, that's interesting about the RESOLVE seminar. I took a peek at their website and I think I see the one you mean - the one called "A Family of Two"? It would be great if the seminars were recorded. DH and I feel quite isolated where we are living - we don't know many people, and certainly none who don't have families. We both feel very conflicted about adopting...it just doesn't feel like a solution for us, and I would be very concerned that unless we REALLY want it, the child would somehow wind up feeling "second-best" - it's a horrible thought. We have major reservations about DE too, so I'm not sure where that leaves us...on the outside looking in, I guess. I wish you luck in your journey, whichever path you may take.

Cee

[TTCyears]

Cee, yes, I went to my files and got my notes, the speaker was Susan Slotnick. Excellent.

It's tough not having close friends nearby. We've been here 10 yrs and only within the past two yrs have we developed friends we visit regularly. One third have kids, one third will probably have kids and one third does not and will not have kids.

Sounds like you and DH are having good heart to heart discussions and finding agreement. I gather that you have major reservations, but you are still considering.

BTW - Here's a thought I am chewing on, adoption is "second best" - for both parents and children and that's why it's a perfect match. Heck, as I face IVF I don't even know that I "really" want a bio child anymore. I think that's fatigue talking more than actual desire.

Is "DE" for donor egg or donor embryo?

Thank you for the thoughts. Wishing you well,
~Sharon

[CeeNZ]

Hi Sharon,

I like the thought you're chewing on! That's a new way of looking at it that hadn't occurred to me before. I have only one sibling, and she is adopted. Obviously since I've never known anything different, I've never thought of her as anything other than my sister - my real sister. However, I can't deny that her adoption has had many repercussions for our family - for her, for me, for our parents. And this is probably why I have my reservations about adopting. (DH has different reservations.) It's a tricky one.

Oh, and by DE, I meant donor eggs!

Cee

[Dailystrength]

Cee,
I am so sorry for your BFN and hurtful words of those around you. It really doesn't help to have any thing compare to having a child....especially an animal! I did my first IVF cycle and found out today that our 7 embryos did not make it to today for the 5dt. My first thoughts were like yours with thinking of pushing your children at the swing, etc and I read something on another thread about thinking of the moment and getting through each day rather than looking into the big picture. I of course am sad, but hopeful that there will be another opportunity to have a child. The more things that happen in this IF journey the more we become open to all sorts of ways to be a mother. I have a sister from China (adopted), 2 younger cousins who are adopted, and my best friend from high school is adopted. I see the future and it isn't as black and white as my emotional progesterone induced emotions this mornings. We are going to continue with IVF for now, but are open to what God has in store for the future. Keep hopeful that your time will come to be a mom! My thoughts are with you in your sadness.

[rjc0704]

CeeNZ - I'm soooo sorry for your diappointing results. I know that PUPO practically feels preg, so it's a huge heartache! And, OMGosh, I could just people for their insensative remarks sometimes! I try to tell myself they just aren't "thinking" when they said stupid stuff like that...else they are just evil!!!

It is a lifetime of things we are missing out on, not just the baby. It's a huge empty void that nothing can fill. And of course, it's very difficult to just let it all go--especially with the constant reminders on tv, and preg women and families all around you...you feel like you're the only one in the world who can't conceive.

I was your age when dh #2 and I started ttc #1. We tried with my eggs and my cycle was cancelled and coverted to IUI because of poor response. We immediately got the donor egg speech. I was devestated and thought they just wanted the $$. But they were looking out for my best interest. It took some time to accept it. But once we did, I had a new found renewed hope after so much loss of m/c and failed cycles. Being a mother is just that important to me and this was our best chance. It still took a few years to even save up $$. Thank God, we found Shady Grove in Maryland. They have shared risk donor egg packages with 100% money back if no healthy baby. They even have shared donor packages that reduce the costs significantly. That takes some pressure off in knowing that if this doesn't work, we will get all the $$ back and can perhaps take the adoption route. They have 71% success rates per ET. But sadly, I'm a rare one, having a devestating 3 failed cycles! Mourning donor eggs is just as bad as mourning your own! But, we did some testing and found some treatable issues and we have 4 frosties for FETs before moving on to our 4th fresh cycle. If donor eggs are something you would ever consider someday, you may be interested in checking out their website. shadygrovefertility.com. They cater to out of towners from all over the world. You only have to go there for initial testing and then only for ETs after that b/c you can do all your monitoring locally.

I certainly understand your reservations about adoption or donor egg. I had them too at first. It took some time to realize and accept that if I wanted to be a mother, those were my only options. Finally, being a mother was most important. My dh is adopted, so it was so important to me to give him is own child! His own family! I think it's more important to me than him. Though his parents are a bit strange and probably by todays standards would not be accepted to be adoptive parents, he still feels like it was a gift and he feels extra loved that someone chose him to love and raise in their family. He says that our donor egg child would feel the same way....that much more loved because of the lengths we went through to have him/her.

I'm sorry if I crossed lines by sharing my decision to move on to donor eggs. And I hope you and dh don't have to give up your dream and can fill that void in your heart with the love of a child! Sending you hugs and hoping it helps to know that you're not alone and that people here on FT care about what you are going through!