Another failed iui/clomid

[tamtam]

I am 39 yrs old and DH is 44. PG test negative after 2ww after a clomid assisted IUI. Had 3 great follicles and DH count was AWESOME! Everything went so well and I had such high hopes. I haven't been able to stop crying all day, and finally had myself under control when AF showed up, and I started up all over again. This is our 3rd clomid assisted cycle. I was diagnosed with high FSH and premature ovarian failure. Every 2ww is hard, and then when the test is neg or AF comes, I am devastated. DH doesn't know how to handle it. He expects me to just say "Oh well, it didn't work this time, let's try again next cycle." Instead I am heartbroken and it takes me a couple of days to put myself together again. The clomid is so hard for me to take. I have severe mood swings, and major depression. I cry the entire week I am on the clomid and by the 5th day I am practically suicidal. I can't take the clomid again, so we are taking a break this cycle, and starting injectables next cycle. I just don't know if I can do it again. I have read threads of women who have battled infertility for years... I don't think I can bear this heartache every month. From the moment of the IUI, I pray every waking moment for the sperm to find the egg, for the egg to begin to divide, for the embryo to implant, for the embryo to grow. By the end of the two weeks, I have been praying so hard for this child, that it feels like such a loss to me when I find I am not PG. I am so sad today, I just wanted to feel like I wasn't alone...

[BC-Erica J.]

Many hugs coming your way.

IF sucks and is very hard on us and our bodies. You take your time and do what is best for YOU. You know what you can deal with and nobody else.

[libran68]

Tam,

You are definitely NOT alone and this is a place of great support and understanding while you try and deal with all that has happened. Please don't give up hope yet and remind yourself that the fertility meds amplify all of the emotions that we have every time we have a failed cycle or suffer a loss. I only produced 4 eggs my last IVF so we ended up cancelling the cycle and freezing 2 embryos. I was totally devastated as we were so hopeful that "this would be the one that would stick" and we had finally suffered enough on this journey. Now that I'm waiting for AF and getting those hormones out of my system I'm trying to be positive and have some clarity but it's tough when everywhere you turn it's a preggo lady here and beautiful babies there and you're caught in the middle feeling left out. I'm sorry you are feeling so low today but please know that you can always come here and vent, ask questions etc... whenever you need to. Take care and try and give yuorself a break

[tamtam]

Thank you all for your kind words. I am feeling better today. It is so hard to see pregnant women, and babies everywhere. My arms ache for a baby of my own. I just found out that one of my close friends is pregnant - after having a one night stand! It just kills me that those of us who want a baby more than anything, and go through these extreme measures for the off chance that maybe they might work. And then, other women have babies without even trying - or wanting. She has been keeping it from me, and I found out from a mutual friend. I can't even face her now, I am so jealous and angry. Anyways, thanks again for the support on this site. It does feel better and less lonely to know that there are others who feel like I do. My friends just don't get it.