1failed....

[SGMWife]

Hello all,

I am brand new here and sought ya'll out because I feel alone. A little about me.

I am 31, married to the "Army". Hes wonderfull by the way : )~
I have 2 girls that are 14 and 11. I have 4 step son's. Only 2 we get to see sometimes...Thats a different story.

Anyhow. May 08 was dx with stageIV endometriosis. The endo has beat my ovaries to a mess. My OB said I had 3 choices in treatment. Meds for the rest of my life, a Complete Hyster, or Have a baby. My DH was deployed to IRAQ at this time and was depressed because he wasn't here for my surgery. So we talked about what we should do...His mother passed away three days before my laparoscopy. So he was send home on E-leave. Blah blah blah right....

So DH told me that before he was sent home he'd been in the Port-O-John when a mortar round went off. Laugh cause that was STINKIN funny to me. While in the Port-O-John my DH had decided that he really wanted a baby with me. I love him. Hes great!!

Ok so being that we only had Tricare.......We were looking at massive amounts of out of pocket money. PLUS there are not Doc's in NE that would take us with Tricare. I enrolled in Aetna and they helped.

FINALLY we had our chance at having a baby of our own. We made an appointment with the RE back in OCT 08..the soonest appointment was in May of 09.... I was kinda upset by said yes anyhow. They called us Feb and told us the had a cancel and they could see us sooner!! YAY us!!

Since I already knew I had bad endo she didn't make me run all the tests. She started me on the BC, started my shots....had the transfer on the 16th of April, 1-3day 8cell grade A and 1-3day 6cell grade A. BFN on the 27th.

I'm lost really. I have 3 frozen and can start the process of FET in July due to Army commitments in May and June. Everyone around me has tried to be nice and comforting. Its not enough. I look in the mirror and hate myself. They were as perfect embryos as could be and it didn't work. I had my hopes up. I had a few early signs of pregnancy. I was 90% sure we had done it. Man that blow the RE gave us killed me inside. I so much want just one more!
I decided to reach out to you! The ones that have done this and felt what I am feeling. I see all the love, encouragement and positive thinking here and wanted to be apart of that.

I am a very strong person. I deal with the Army everyday!! Why is this the one thing that has brought me to my knees? I keep hoping that the RE was wrong and we had a false negitive...but blood doesn't lie.

Thanks for reading, sorry it was so long.

[malley]

hey!.....know it's not easy. sometimes any of what we say will always fall short of how we r feeling. i think as women we tend to blame ourselves whatever the reason. know this- IVF is by far not an exact medical science. many chemical reactions taking place. hard to replicate.... so much has yet to b discovered about how implantation works and so much more. i know it is devastating. it may take some time. i'm sorry for ur pain i wish we all didn't know. hugs... m.

[armywife8799]

SGM Wife-

I too am married to the Army..and love my soldier deeply. And like you, I came to this site looking for hope, for inspiration, for ANY kind of understanding or even ANSWERS as to what could have gone wrong. I read your post, and my heart aches for you, as it does for many of us here. But keep coming back, and you will find you are not alone. (Like the military can often make you feel!!)

My hubby and I went through our first IVF w/ICSI in Oct. 08. We have male factor infertility, and I went into this process as you did, hopefully and thinking there's almost NO way I couldn't get pg. But, in the end...we got our BFN. And like you, it brought me to my knees, my world came crashing down around me and I didn't know where to go. NO ONE I talked to could even begin to understand. I got the selfish, and self less comments of, oh it'll happen when it's supposed to. But until you've been there, you just cant understand. I was used to (am am getting more everyday) being VERY strong, and independent, as the ARMY has taught me to be that way. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't beat this. I couldn't overcome it. And I will say, yes, I needed and did seek professional advice. (We also had issues with my parents/health, etc..) going on at the same time, which factored into it. But my counselor told me to try and find people in my same situation that COULD understand, and that's when I found this site. I'm new too, and I read more than post, but it's so WONDERFUL to know, I am not alone...and neither are you!

[budderfly002]

I can understand your frustration.I got af today.This was my 2nd clomid cycle ,so I will begin cycle # 3 friday.I have been married for 8 years.I had gastric bypass to lose weight in hope of conceiving my dream baby.I was dx with pcos and type 2 diabetes in 2005.My diabetes is gone now since the surgery.ALL my effort and still no baby.Yesterday was my 1 yr surgiversary and of all days AF arrives to smack me down.I feel so bummed right now.Someone please tell me it gets better.I am new to treatment .Next we move to IUI.My dad has cancer and I desperately want to conceive.I can't bear the thought of him not being here to meet my baby.I know it's a big possibilty.So time is limited.I know everything happens in god's time and not mine.I just need to vent so I'm glad I have somewhere to go.No one really understands how difficult it is not to be able to conceive,or not to be able to afford the treatments like IVF.I'm not bitter though.I'm happy for those of you that are able to concieve.Until it's my turn,I will continue to spend time with my nieces and nephews and 3 great nephews.They bring me so much joy,it maeks it a little easier to bear .At least I can borrow them.I just wanted to post.I am new to this site as well.I also understand your pain,and frustration.I just wish for 1 child.I had 4 follicles on my scan the largest was measuring 26.I just don't know why it didn't fertilize.Hubby had semen analysis it was 28 mil.Any one have an answer.Grrr!!! So frustrated tonight.

[SGMWife]

I feel better about it. I have alot of hope with the FET. It couldn't have been easy: )~

I wish I had answers. One of the things I kept tell DH was I am sorry. Sorry for what? I didn't know what I was even sorry for. You can't pin point why it didn't happen and THAT is why its so frustrating!! If we knew why we wouldn't have to spend all this time, emotion, money.... Everyone keeps tell me "Relax, it will happen" I feel like smacking those people. They don't get it.

I do however believe that the more you worry and ponder and sit around and think about it, the worse the feelings get.We are entitled to grieve! Just don't grieve yourself into depression! We have a saying in the army, Keep your chin to the ground and your head up! Meaning, Stay focused and keep your spirit up!