Feeling hopeless

[bbchi]

I'm 36, almost 37. Have been TTC for almost 2 years. 1st fresh cycle IVF was one year ago. Put one blast back, got pregnant and had a miscarriage w/d&c at about 6wks. One of the worst days of my life. But had plenty of frozen embryos left so figured we'd be fine. Nope. 1st FET, chemical pregnancy (HCG like 30 something). 2nd FET, nothing. They kept talking about my lining (too thin, hard to see, etc.)...I was shoving so much estrogen in me it was ridiculous. So I felt it was time for a switch. Changed to a clinic w/a better success rate. Nice personable doctor. Also started acupuncture, yoga, healthy eating. Well, nothing got better, it got worse. My stim a year ago-had 14 eggs I think...this time 5! My left ovary just did not want to play I guess. They even gave me more meds this time (1st just GonalF, second GonalF plus Menopur). And they still worried about the lining (at most 7.5 mm). So all my eggs fertilized (thank God dh has super sperm... but it's hard to be the one there's something wrong with...he never makes me feel this way but I can't help but feel bad/guilty). On day 3 had 1 grade 4 8 cell i think and 2 grade 3 6 cell and then a couple of stragglers. He transferred 2 of the best ones. Beta today negativo. I feel like...is there something wrong w/my uterus that i can never get pregnant again? I had a h/s and looked pretty normal (that's a long story too). My day 3 labs and AMH are fine...what happened to my ovaries this stim? Can they return to more productive-ness? Why didn't acupuncture help my lining? Adoption is way expensive (luckily insurance covers my IVF). Do I need to ask my sister to be a surrogate? Meeting w/doctor Wednesday but....Sorry this is a long story...I've not done this before (usually just read comments, haven't participated)...But I almost feel a smidge better just writing this down. So if you read it, thanks...

[JMH05]

I just wanted to say that I am very sorry for everything you are going through. I too just received news on 2/16 that my 1st IVF cycle failed. We thought everything was going really well because they retrieved 23 follicles and 17 fertilized. I always thought more the better because it gives them more to work with. I went in for the transfer alone because DH had to be out of town. I was so optimistic, probably the best I have felt in a long time and the RE tells me we only have 3 to transfer, none to freeze. They were 1 8-cell grade 2 (grading 1-3), 1 5-cell grade 2 and 1 4-cell grade 2. He still gave me a 35-40% chance which I now think was a bit optimistic. I wasn't really shocked at all that the cycle failed since the quality of my embryos seemed pretty bad, but I was still praying like crazy and trying to be hopeful. I have a FSH level of 9.5 and am 36. We go see the RE today and I am preparing for the doom and gloom speech. I really hope he will still have some hope for us since I did produce so many follicles. If your FSH level is normal that is a really good thing. I hope your doctor can give you some suggestions of what could've gone wrong or what you should try next time. I have read a lot about how changing the protocol can be very beneficial. I wish you hope and know that you are not alone in this infertility struggle. There are so many couples struggling with infertility and I believe many succeed it just might take longer than we would hope.

[bbchi]

thanks for your response jmh---sorry we're both in this boat. will let you know what happens today at appt. let me know what you hear if you get a chance. good luck. and keep in mind, your fsh is not always 9.5. if they check it on a different month's "day 3" it could be lower. and don't let them doom and gloom you. always get a 2nd opinion.

[BC-3boys2luv]

I hope that the appt. today will shed some light on what the doctor thinks is going on and what the best way is to progress from here. I wish I knew some concrete answers for you. I'll be praying for you (both) and your doctors, too.

[bbchi]

My doctor is very nice but of course no one can completely predict the future...don't I wish we could! There's no great reason for why 1 year ago I had a great fresh cycle and now this one sucked. Except that I'm a year older. My FSH and AMH are normal. Antral follicle cnts were OK. So now the debate is:
1) Get 2 frozen embryos from old doctor's office and transfer those w/next cycle.
2) Do a new fresh cycle w/no Lupron suppression and use Ganirelix to suppress premature ovulation.

I hate frozen transfers b/c of the stress they caused me w/the lining issues. And the one time I was truly pregnant was a fresh. However, the embryos left were initially graded fairly well (albeit by a different lab/embryologist)-both blasts. So theoretically it seems smarter to transfer known good ones rather than try again and have poor-ish quality again.
But, I talked to a woman who did her cycle there...she had been elsewhere for a cycle in December and only got one immature egg. Then about 2 months later, w/ a Ganirelix cycle had some 12 eggs and just had her BFP. So you can have a bad cycle then a good cycle. And they also say that your follicles are actually recruited 90 days prior to when they mature (even though you can't see them then) so there is a thought that since they were stimming my ovaries last month, maybe 90 days from then I'd have an even more successful stim since those follicles will be ready then. If that makes sense.

So I guess the only thing I can do is keep trying. Not sure how I'll make this decision and I'm sure I'll be doubting myself either way. As DH said on the way home from MD visit, "either way it's a crapshoot!" Men have a much simpler/more straightforward way of looking at things sometimes.

Hope this is not TMI for whoever reads it!

[luv_721]

I just stoped in to read your posts and WOW I just wanted to say keep trying
I am not doing IVF because of cost I am still doing injections and IUI
I know from one cycle to the next the response is crazy
I just wanted you to know hang in there
IT WILL HAPPEN
Stay postive girls I have been TTC #1 for 7yrs and 3 m/c
Dont give up

[deets]

bbchi,
I just wanted to let you know that there is nothing you could have done to make a cycle go better. I have been through 4 rounds of ivf and none of them have ever been a successful pregnancy. (One chemical.) Please try to remember that things like this done in a lab will never be as perfect as God can do them. I also have questioned everything through out every cycle I have done. It will consume you!! It has me. I also think we go to our docs looking for some answer, but to be honest, I think the infertility world has a long way to go. I still think it is a very young science. It hasnt been around for very long and I dont think doctors can answer most of our questions. Especially the ones that ask..."why did it not work for me?" I dont know if you have much of a faith or not, but I truly believe that it is all in Gods timing. I have to believe that for myself also. I know your pain. You just want to scream WHYYYYY??!!!! Things will work out. God bless you and your future cycles. And embryos.

[JMH05]

So after visiting the RE on Wednesday I was told 1 out of 20 eggs could be the golden one. My RE is not FSH friendly and said that hopefully if I tried for 20 months that one of those months we would get lucky. I thought he would say that we would never get pregnant, but he still thinks there is a chance, just slim. We are trying stims with BD this month and hopefully this month will be the month. I wish everyone here good luck and pray that we will receive our much-desired BFP's very soon!