IVF - Taking a toll on Marriage

tcalvibe · 10-19-2008, 03:42 PM

I wanted to see if anyone else has had IVF take a toll on your marriage. I have had fibroids and an etopic at 13 weeks which caused my Right tube to be removed. I have also had two myomectomies to remove the fibroids which keep coming back and I have had three misscarriages with the third happeining after my first cycle which just completed. We got pregnant but I had a misscarriage in the 7 week, two days after hearing the heartbeat. I know that everyone had thier own story and personal challenges with infertility so not singing another sad song or looking for sympathy as quite frankly ladies, i am sure eveyrone is tryint to keep it together. HOwever, I have been so positive over the last 6 years of trying to concieve and I have reached a place where I felt I must reach out for help or atleast talk to others. I realized that I can't do this on my own and my husband who is like any DH that we all right about..kind, sweet, and as supportive as they can be but he just can't relate to the emotional side or pain from the loss of misscarriage or defeat from the cycle that I am feeling. Nor the emotional stress that comes with the financial end. Yes, we recived a bill from our hospital for $10K the same day we found out about the misscarriage....It is all just building up and I have lost the hope and positivity that I once felt. All the things that truely I was passionate about, I seem to really not care about. I don't have the strength to have an opionion about much of anything and all of this has taken a toll on my marriage. I don't see anyone that has written about this so I wanted to reach out to see if anyone is feeling the same or have had this process take a toll on thier marriage. Would love anyone that can share any positive steps I can take to get me out of this funk before I loose my DH.

radchristine · 10-20-2008, 05:48 AM

I am not married and I have not gone through all that you have, but... I understand about losing interest in all the things you used to care about. It is a lot for me to just get up and go to work. I so want to take a day off, but I keep saving them up for a possibility. No one understands how it feels to feel so worthless. I have only been ttc for 4 months now and have had to sit out all but one month due to cysts. I to have lost hope, heck I feel like I can't even find a husband. I finally decided that I was getting old and needed to have a child if I was gonna, only to find out it wouldn't be easy for me. I can't imagine how you have kept on for so long. Sorry I had no advice, but you arre not alone.

waitingtobemom · 10-23-2008, 06:08 PM

I've only been going thru ttc for about a year now - we knew very quickly that I was PCOS because my sister ttc for 4 years. This cycle we were going to try IUI but the cycle was not progressing. I absolutely see this taking a toll on my marriage. Between the hormones and the disappointment and depression, I find myself snapping at my husband and he is feeling like an inadequate husband, having low motility and count himself.

I think that the best thing for me has been these message boards. There are other people that are here and listening to each other's stories and problems and can relate because they are going thru the same or similar things. This has kept my proverbial chin up. Keep yours up too!

Little fluff · 10-25-2008, 02:24 AM

Hi

We have been in this horrible game for just over 13 years. There have been periods where I truelly believed that our marriage would not make the distance.

Some years ago DH was just going through all of the motions but not really getting what I was feeling and we started to really drift apart. That was scary and gave me something to think about...do I want a child so bad that my marriage will fall apart because of that ? My answer was no so now while I am still actively TTC I always remember what is really important and that is my marriage.

That period really also taught me that my DH and I must communicate and that our marriage had to come 1st with treatments firmly in 2nd place. Share what you are thinking & feeling with your DH and ask how he feels, my DH was hurting as much as me but withheld that so that I didn't feel worse.

My last recipe for getting through IF is and please I don't want to sound Polyanna here but it is to simply remember to be grateful for the blessings that I do have. Since my soul searching journey I can honestly say that I love my life and that having a baby is the only thing missing from it.

Best of luck to you and DH and a ton of baby dust blowing your way for a full term, healthy pregnancy.

10-19-2008, 03:42 PM	#1 (permalink)
tcalvibe Registered User Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Maine Posts: 1	IVF - Taking a toll on Marriage I wanted to see if anyone else has had IVF take a toll on your marriage. I have had fibroids and an etopic at 13 weeks which caused my Right tube to be removed. I have also had two myomectomies to remove the fibroids which keep coming back and I have had three misscarriages with the third happeining after my first cycle which just completed. We got pregnant but I had a misscarriage in the 7 week, two days after hearing the heartbeat. I know that everyone had thier own story and personal challenges with infertility so not singing another sad song or looking for sympathy as quite frankly ladies, i am sure eveyrone is tryint to keep it together. HOwever, I have been so positive over the last 6 years of trying to concieve and I have reached a place where I felt I must reach out for help or atleast talk to others. I realized that I can't do this on my own and my husband who is like any DH that we all right about..kind, sweet, and as supportive as they can be but he just can't relate to the emotional side or pain from the loss of misscarriage or defeat from the cycle that I am feeling. Nor the emotional stress that comes with the financial end. Yes, we recived a bill from our hospital for $10K the same day we found out about the misscarriage....It is all just building up and I have lost the hope and positivity that I once felt. All the things that truely I was passionate about, I seem to really not care about. I don't have the strength to have an opionion about much of anything and all of this has taken a toll on my marriage. I don't see anyone that has written about this so I wanted to reach out to see if anyone is feeling the same or have had this process take a toll on thier marriage. Would love anyone that can share any positive steps I can take to get me out of this funk before I loose my DH.

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10-20-2008, 05:48 AM	#2 (permalink)
radchristine Registered User Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Leander, TX Posts: 24	I am not married and I have not gone through all that you have, but... I understand about losing interest in all the things you used to care about. It is a lot for me to just get up and go to work. I so want to take a day off, but I keep saving them up for a possibility. No one understands how it feels to feel so worthless. I have only been ttc for 4 months now and have had to sit out all but one month due to cysts. I to have lost hope, heck I feel like I can't even find a husband. I finally decided that I was getting old and needed to have a child if I was gonna, only to find out it wouldn't be easy for me. I can't imagine how you have kept on for so long. Sorry I had no advice, but you arre not alone.

10-23-2008, 06:08 PM	#3 (permalink)
waitingtobemom 0-99 post 2 of hearts Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Mohegan Lake, NY Posts: 31	I've only been going thru ttc for about a year now - we knew very quickly that I was PCOS because my sister ttc for 4 years. This cycle we were going to try IUI but the cycle was not progressing. I absolutely see this taking a toll on my marriage. Between the hormones and the disappointment and depression, I find myself snapping at my husband and he is feeling like an inadequate husband, having low motility and count himself. I think that the best thing for me has been these message boards. There are other people that are here and listening to each other's stories and problems and can relate because they are going thru the same or similar things. This has kept my proverbial chin up. Keep yours up too!

10-25-2008, 02:24 AM	#4 (permalink)
Little fluff 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Albury NSW - Australia Posts: 1,908	Hi We have been in this horrible game for just over 13 years. There have been periods where I truelly believed that our marriage would not make the distance. Some years ago DH was just going through all of the motions but not really getting what I was feeling and we started to really drift apart. That was scary and gave me something to think about...do I want a child so bad that my marriage will fall apart because of that ? My answer was no so now while I am still actively TTC I always remember what is really important and that is my marriage. That period really also taught me that my DH and I must communicate and that our marriage had to come 1st with treatments firmly in 2nd place. Share what you are thinking & feeling with your DH and ask how he feels, my DH was hurting as much as me but withheld that so that I didn't feel worse. My last recipe for getting through IF is and please I don't want to sound Polyanna here but it is to simply remember to be grateful for the blessings that I do have. Since my soul searching journey I can honestly say that I love my life and that having a baby is the only thing missing from it. Best of luck to you and DH and a ton of baby dust blowing your way for a full term, healthy pregnancy.