Poll - Worst advice received

toddmdfl · 09-14-2008, 08:36 AM

Hi All -

I have been around for years on the IVFs and pregnancy boards, but never posted on this one. Our final IVF resulted in BFN in June. I am struggling with ending our fertility efforts. For me it is harder since I know how amazing birth is and will never experience that again. I greive the children not with me and the ones that will never be.

I need to rant and laugh through it. I am angry with my friends because I get unwelcome and unhelpful advice. They know what I have gone through and are so rude. Help me out and laugh with me. Give me the worst advice you have received and how you handled it. I am clearly mouthy and need some ideas on how to handle well meaning, but hurtful advice.

Worst advice received and mouthy responses:
1 - Be happy at least you have one.
Handled this one by asking the mother to give me one of her "extra" children since one is enough. Bad girl Bad

2 - This is God's will for your life. Maybe you can help others in the same situation.
Handled it by stating, "I hope God lets you experience pain so that you can help others also.". Once again, Bad girl - watch your mouth.

3 - Life begins at conception. (what does this mean and how should this help?)
Handled it mouthy once again - "I had a total of 24 eggs fertilize so where are my children."

Pamela

IWantToBeAMommy · 09-14-2008, 08:58 AM

I think I got one of the worst advice...

Just get drunk with some guy and have sex !

Ewww.........

They couldnt' understand why I was spending so much money on IUI and IVF.

das1972 · 10-09-2008, 01:18 PM

Wow, where to begin on this one.

Lets see....

There are so many unwanted children, just adopt

CrystalAZ · 10-09-2008, 02:04 PM

My worst was from my MIL when I started TTC #2. My first pg was very difficult.

"How will we explain to Wyatt that his mommy died because he wasn't enough for her?"

I get the "At least you have one" thing all the time. Yes, it is true that I have one, but that doesn't make the pain of wanting another just go away. And it certainly doesn't make a BFN any easier!

Crystal

carolsue · 10-09-2008, 04:14 PM

Pamela-Loved your "mouthy" responses, your are pretty quick

This is the one I hear alot: Just start adoption process, you will get pregnant then, I know several women that that has happened to.

Carol

babyprayers · 10-09-2008, 08:40 PM

Oh I hate getting advise from people who don't understand what we're going through.
Here's the advise I've received recently:
"Just relax, your trying too hard"
"You should adopt, everyone who adopts get pregnant."
"Maybe you should just stop trying and wasting your money; if God wanted you to have a child you would have one."
"Go out get drunk and have fun because that's how it happened with me."
"Maybe you shouldn't try all those fancy medical procedures and just have sex."
People can be so ignorant sometimes. I get so tired of responding to these people that usually I just roll my eyes mumble something under my breath and walk away.

Shawnna · 10-09-2008, 08:49 PM

When you get heavily in debt it will happen.

My Mil said, "why don't you just go out and have a one night stand at that time of the month.

GrlPisces · 10-10-2008, 09:39 PM

Oh Pamela, I wish I knew you in person

. I, too, have a mouth (that my husband doesn't really appreciate at times

) and I sometimes wish I could REALLY tell people what I think of their responses to me, but I struggle to take the high road and bite my tongue more often than not.

After years of IF struggles, an IUI was finally successful in December 2007 and after much sh*t I went through, the pregnancy ultimately resulted in twins --- one boy, one girl. At 32 weeks gestation, the doctor couldn't find the boy's heartbeat and he was born still on July 22, 2008 (the girl survived and is doing fine).

In an attempt to find support for the death of my son, I asked a mother's message board on what their advice was. One of the responses?

"start with tucking your son away, by remembering your daughter is the priority. why don't you adopt a boy? Maybe this happened so that you could be a wonderful mother to a little boy whose life might not be so great without you."

If I could reach through the internet and smack the woman who said this to me, I would. What a tool.

Hugs to you Pamela, and to everyone else struggling with IF and people's stupid and insensitive comments.

4cats · 10-20-2008, 02:17 PM

First off, saying IF is harder because you already have a child and know what you're missing is one of the most b%tchy, insensitive things I've had said to me. And it's ten times worse coming from another IFer. Thanks a lot.

waitingtobemom · 10-27-2008, 05:52 PM

I've gotten the same - from my best friend no less of many years - that maybe this is nature's way of telling me that I shouldn't have children and that I'm not ready. This drives me absolutely bonkers. I'm 30 years old, married for 1 year and almost 5 months. I think I know what I am ready for and based on the people looking and posting - medical issues are not divine intervention. That is really a pet peeve of mine.

09-14-2008, 08:36 AM	#1 (permalink)
toddmdfl Registered User Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 113	Poll - Worst advice received Hi All - I have been around for years on the IVFs and pregnancy boards, but never posted on this one. Our final IVF resulted in BFN in June. I am struggling with ending our fertility efforts. For me it is harder since I know how amazing birth is and will never experience that again. I greive the children not with me and the ones that will never be. I need to rant and laugh through it. I am angry with my friends because I get unwelcome and unhelpful advice. They know what I have gone through and are so rude. Help me out and laugh with me. Give me the worst advice you have received and how you handled it. I am clearly mouthy and need some ideas on how to handle well meaning, but hurtful advice. Worst advice received and mouthy responses: 1 - Be happy at least you have one. Handled this one by asking the mother to give me one of her "extra" children since one is enough. Bad girl Bad 2 - This is God's will for your life. Maybe you can help others in the same situation. Handled it by stating, "I hope God lets you experience pain so that you can help others also.". Once again, Bad girl - watch your mouth. 3 - Life begins at conception. (what does this mean and how should this help?) Handled it mouthy once again - "I had a total of 24 eggs fertilize so where are my children." Pamela

09-14-2008, 08:58 AM	#2 (permalink)
IWantToBeAMommy 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: CA Posts: 1,293 Blog Entries: 10	I think I got one of the worst advice... Just get drunk with some guy and have sex ! Ewww......... They couldnt' understand why I was spending so much money on IUI and IVF. __________________ J (30) 04/23/09 Found out twins are on the way! (7 weeks ultrasound) 05/07/09 Baby on the right was dancing. Baby on the left was sleeping. LOL (9 weeks ultrasound) 05/28/09 Doctor said they are really active . (12 weeks ultrasound) 06/03/09 Twins still sitting on top of each other (13 weeks ultrasound) 06/11/09 2 little boys! (14 weeks ultrasound)

10-10-2008, 09:39 PM	#8 (permalink)
GrlPisces Registered User Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 60	(PG & Stillbirth Mentioned) Oh Pamela, I wish I knew you in person . I, too, have a mouth (that my husband doesn't really appreciate at times ) and I sometimes wish I could REALLY tell people what I think of their responses to me, but I struggle to take the high road and bite my tongue more often than not. After years of IF struggles, an IUI was finally successful in December 2007 and after much sh*t I went through, the pregnancy ultimately resulted in twins --- one boy, one girl. At 32 weeks gestation, the doctor couldn't find the boy's heartbeat and he was born still on July 22, 2008 (the girl survived and is doing fine). In an attempt to find support for the death of my son, I asked a mother's message board on what their advice was. One of the responses? "start with tucking your son away, by remembering your daughter is the priority. why don't you adopt a boy? Maybe this happened so that you could be a wonderful mother to a little boy whose life might not be so great without you." If I could reach through the internet and smack the woman who said this to me, I would. What a tool. Hugs to you Pamela, and to everyone else struggling with IF and people's stupid and insensitive comments.

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10-09-2008, 01:18 PM	#3 (permalink)
das1972 Registered User Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Illinois Posts: 216	Wow, where to begin on this one. Lets see.... There are so many unwanted children, just adopt

10-09-2008, 02:04 PM	#4 (permalink)
CrystalAZ 10000-15000 post ace of hearts Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Phoenix AZ & Flagstaff, AZ Posts: 10,835 Blog Entries: 455	My worst was from my MIL when I started TTC #2. My first pg was very difficult. "How will we explain to Wyatt that his mommy died because he wasn't enough for her?" I get the "At least you have one" thing all the time. Yes, it is true that I have one, but that doesn't make the pain of wanting another just go away. And it certainly doesn't make a BFN any easier! Crystal

10-09-2008, 04:14 PM	#5 (permalink)
carolsue 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 1,100	Pamela-Loved your "mouthy" responses, your are pretty quick This is the one I hear alot: Just start adoption process, you will get pregnant then, I know several women that that has happened to. Carol

10-09-2008, 08:40 PM	#6 (permalink)
babyprayers 600-699 post 8 of hearts Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Indiana Posts: 627	Oh I hate getting advise from people who don't understand what we're going through. Here's the advise I've received recently: "Just relax, your trying too hard" "You should adopt, everyone who adopts get pregnant." "Maybe you should just stop trying and wasting your money; if God wanted you to have a child you would have one." "Go out get drunk and have fun because that's how it happened with me." "Maybe you shouldn't try all those fancy medical procedures and just have sex." People can be so ignorant sometimes. I get so tired of responding to these people that usually I just roll my eyes mumble something under my breath and walk away.

10-09-2008, 08:49 PM	#7 (permalink)
Shawnna 400-499 post 6 of hearts Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Midland, Texas Posts: 425	When you get heavily in debt it will happen. My Mil said, "why don't you just go out and have a one night stand at that time of the month.

10-20-2008, 02:17 PM	#9 (permalink)
4cats 200-299 post 4 of hearts Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: nyc Posts: 203	First off, saying IF is harder because you already have a child and know what you're missing is one of the most b%tchy, insensitive things I've had said to me. And it's ten times worse coming from another IFer. Thanks a lot.

10-27-2008, 05:52 PM	#10 (permalink)
waitingtobemom 0-99 post 2 of hearts Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Mohegan Lake, NY Posts: 31	I've gotten the same - from my best friend no less of many years - that maybe this is nature's way of telling me that I shouldn't have children and that I'm not ready. This drives me absolutely bonkers. I'm 30 years old, married for 1 year and almost 5 months. I think I know what I am ready for and based on the people looking and posting - medical issues are not divine intervention. That is really a pet peeve of mine.