Just whining...LONG POST

[Ruger]

It's -50 out today-- ice fog everywhere-- the wood pile is quickly dwindling down which means I'll have to suit up and move more wood into the cellar. I've had the wood burning stove blazing all morning but I can't get the indoor temp above 66--so it's cold and miserable everywhere.

K is whiny and bored cause there was no preschool today and she's been stuck at home with me all day. Dogs are going crazy cause they can't go outside much.

New Year Eve plans have been cancelled and so have all the firework displays. This is the only time of year we can somewhat see fireworks so that just blows.

DH has been gone 1 month now and I am so freaking lonely. Only 11 more months to go.....I hate sleeping alone, I hate being alone. Nights are the worst....I can't sleep so I worry and I think about how hard this month has been and how much longer we have apart. Apparently Kosovo has gotten worse and rules have changed and I worry about his safety and the lack of training his unit has.

K got a baby doll for Christmas. She handed the doll to me and said "I have to go to work now mommy so you have to watch my baby." I was holding the baby and suddenly got the painful longing again---now is not the time to want a baby.

K is also questioning her adoption thanks to an episode of Little Bill on Noggin. Thanks Bill!! She was suddenly asking me why her first mommy gave her away. Explain that to a 5 year old. So we went through our family story again. She crawled on my lap and curled up like a baby--her head on one boob and her hand on the other. One part of me just held on tight and prayed for her and the other part was screaming "get off my boobs!" Thank goodness I didn't actually say it out loud. What a sorry excuse for a mother.

I'm sad, tired, and lonely.

Thanks for listening.

[BC-tinatinva]

-50 that made me shiver just reading it.

First of all - you are not a sorry excuse for a Mother. You are a human being with needs of your own as well.

I can't imagine how hard it is to face an extended time on your own with DH gone.

The best I can offer is a hug.
Cuddle up with your little girl and hold tight for the ride - and know that there are people praying for the safe return of your DH.

Tina

[BC-MAV]

((((HUGS)))) I didn't realize that being "hard on yourself" is part of depression. I said nearly the same thing about myself recently... sorry excuse... I just have to keep telling myself I am doing the best I can at the moment. I would try to tell yourself the same. DH has been very supportive and said he loves me at my worst and at my best and things will get better and to take it one day at a time. I think anything positive you can tell yourself will help. I wish I had a slew of positive quotes. I do hope you feel better in the New Year, get a good night's soon, and your mood lifts.

I know this might sound crazy but I can't sleep much either when DH is away and it's really not any amount of time compared to what you are going through. I put his pillows under the covers to form a body shape... so it sort of "feels like" he is there. I know... goofy... but it does help some.

[Ruger]

MAV-thanks. I've done the "body pillow" thing too

Tina-thanks. I did cuddle with K last night...she actually slept in my bed.

DH called last night and I broke down crying. I hate doing that...he dosen't need to worry about home-he's got more important stuff to focus on. As always though he was really supportive and positive. He called again this morning just to check on things...the guys were given half a day off so he has some time to relax a little.

I just keep telling myself that things will get better. I'll get into my routine...we'll start getting more sun soon...the cold snap will end (although they are saying -60 tomorrow!!)...and before I know it he'll be home.

I keep thinking about Dori from Finding Nemo "just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, just keep swimming..."

[HopesPromise]

I give you lots of support and hugs. I am so sorry you are so lonely. Wish we could all get together and be there in person for one another.

The quote that I posted is what is getting me through my dark days right now.

[Ruger]

So I really hate my job. I called in sick last Tues and Wed, had Thurs off, called in Fri, and then called in again today. I've been daydreaming about opening a little bakery again. I do this when I just can't take the stress anymore.

I have to find a way to make this work. I need the job, the money, the benefits, and the retirement plan. I adore the majority of my co-workers and a handful of our patients.

I hate the company, the policies, and sadly the majority of our patients. I'm tired of people demanding benefits they don't have, I'm tired of being threatened. During the Christmas holiday--we got the 25 and 26 off--a patient left me this message:

"I hope you have a miserable Christmas, I hope your entire family becomes gravely ill, but most of all I hope your house burns down to the ground."

Merry f'ing Christmas to me.

Why did he leave this message? Because he couldn't get a refill of his pain meds because he broke his narcotic agreement. I turned this whole mess over to the director's office and chief of police and what did they do?? Not a dang thing.

I hate my job. I cry on my way to work every morning. I get hateful phone calls all day. I am overworked, underpaid, and underappreciated. So what's my title...Patient Service Assitant, Community Liason, Benefits/Eligibility Dept, Authorizations Clerk, Primary Care Clerk, Specialty Care Clerk, Integrated Care Clerk, Patient Level Adovcate, Billing Clerk, and the "I have no idea what to do with this/how to do this/what is this/just give it to L" clerk. Basically take every clerical/admin position in a hospital and pile it all on 1 person--that person would be me.

Sadly enough there are no jobs available in this town that can match my pay and benefits. Federal jobs are slim right now.

A little bakery, just a couple tables, serving simple things like baked goods of course and maybe soups and sandwiches...all homemade...

Thank goodness K is at school today and my mom has decided to keep her overnight since it's still 40-50 below...no point in driving around if you don't have to. I'll take today as a pity party and get back to work tomorrow.