preschool and saying goodbyes

[aloha no]

Hi - tried looking for a preschool board but I guess this is the closest

I wanted to see if anyone has advice about helping dd say goodbye at school in the mornings. . .

She's been going to a Mother's Day Out program for 3 years, and this year she started having a difficult time with goodbyes in the morning. Just about everyday. She just turned 4.

I've asked her what's wrong, and she's said she doesn't like a boy in her class(he's mean), and she misses her original teacher (she left after a couple of months due to foot surgery). I know once she is there she has a great time, b/c she bounces out of the class smiling and chatting to her teachers. She has a best friend there and she comes home with tons of stories about the two of them.

I've tried charts (worked for a little while), treats after (didn't work that well - and she loves sweets!). It was so stressful for us both. I make a point of acting like it's not a big deal, just giving her a hug and kisses and saying goodbye normally.

I'm dreading the thought of this happening next year when she'll be there 5 days a week But I am hoping b/c she'll be there so much, she'll be a lot more used to it.

Has anyone's child started off this way and changed?? I'm so sad for her, I know it's stressful to have gotten into this habit of making herself sooo stressed.

Any other tips?? Please???

TIA!

[kary]

maddy had a lot of issues at drop off at preschool and at young fives (pre-k). in talking to the teacher's, the best thing to do was to drop her off to the teachers and just walk away. don't get me wrong, it will break your heart but by doing so, she got over it and soon she was barely saying good bye to me!

[again???]

My son went through this last school year, starting in about November through the holidays and then, off and on. He was in 5day this year and had no problem, but ...last year, I would give him a kissing rock or shell - it could be something found outside if it was last minute, but was sometimes a special painted rock. I would put enough kisses for the day and he could touch it anytime in his pocket. We also read a few books - I remember one was The Kissing Hand. I can try to find the others if you are interested. I can't say this really solved the problem, but it let him know I was listening and understood.

Of course, being me, I also regularly reminded him that it was his job to go to school and this was a behavior problem that he needed to work on, but I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the word habit too. Keep at it with a mixture of love and understanding and reminders of acceptable behavior - it will get better. Good luck!

Katie

[BC-MAV]

Let's see... I think when you make the goodbye quick it is so much better. Like "Bye Johnny. Have fun at school. I'll be back to pick you up soon." Also if your child's teacher can engage them in an activity pretty quickly then you are able to leave. DS teacher is great at doing that. She'll say "Hey I have a new batch of playdough. Come see" It's at that point I'll say "Have fun. I'll see you soon". I wouldn't discuss things are ask why they don't want to go. Usually within a few minutes of tears and such the kids are playing.

[aloha no]

Oh thank you so very much for your thoughtful responses. . . I am feeling optimistic for next year!! Looks like talking to her new teacher will be key. I felt the "teacher" this year wasn't very experienced and didn't help matters - she was the assistant who had to run the class after Ms. Joyce had to leave. Her new school has had their teachers for 13 years - I think that's a good sign Good to hear that 5 day a week should be helpful too.

Thank you thank you again - I feel better

[Monchhichi]

Yup. Drop her off and walk away. It's SO hard but it works. If you stay and cuddle her and make a fuss, it encourages the behaviour. As a mom, it kills us to walk away, but it's the best way to get it to stop.

[SgtMom]

My dd is only 2 but we have had a tearless transition to preschool I think b/c I camped out at her school the first two weeks. And now she is able to go into very busy gym childcare and do fine despite being shy and introverted (today she got a book and sat and watched the other kids but no crying or distress that I could see - the teacher also gave her a doll to hold - and by the time I picked her up just 40 mins later she was having a great time). Each kid is different and I think only the parents can decide what is needed.

But it sounds like your situation is different since this is not a new situation for her. One way to honor her feelings without disrupting drop-off would be to ask her about school at other times - perhaps when she is taking a bath, or even on the way home. Ask her about what is good and bad about school so there has some balance. Tell her it is ok to have feelings (good and bad) but maybe give her some words or tools to deal with the parts that she finds negative. I know you miss Miss XYZ - maybe we can write her a note. What does Billy do - did you tell him you dont like that? Etc. Good luck!

[SgtMom]

Any update? This year my dd is in a new bigger class with bigger kids and a new teacher. We came home a day early from vacay so that we could go to the orientation and we are glad that we did - it gave dd a chance to see the new classroom under no stress. The teacher was explicit that we could only stay up to 10mins at drop-off the next day but KS did great! It helped that she has a friend that came up from the other class with her. So we always say hi to her friend and afterwards ask if she got to play with A. Today KS came to me with no scrunchie in her hair and A found it!

[wcl]

There's a board book called OWL BABIES that might be helpful for little ones (and moms!) dealing with separation anxiety. The mother owl leaves her young 'uns in the nest for a while to do what mothers do, and the little owls are reassured in the end that she always returns. I"ve heard of THE KISSING HAND. Haven't read it, though. Think I'll go out and get it.

My 2-year-old grandson just started preschool and is having similar issues. It tears one's heart out, doesn't it! But I don't think it's the behavior per se that you want to address. Some stoic kids might not cry, but still feel anxious inside. And if they cry, just because they stop crying doesn't necessarily mean they feel all better. My instinct is always to elicit and acknowledge the feelings--but also, always to provide reassurance. As with everything else in a toddler's life, let's hope that repetition and familiarity will lead to a certain comfort level for everyone, grandmas too!

wcl

[KAMILI]

Yup. Drop her off and walk away. It's SO hard but it works. If you stay and cuddle her and make a fuss, it encourages the behaviour. As a mom, it kills us to walk away, but it's the best way to get it to stop.

I agree! DD's teachers told me the 'MINUTE' I walk out the door ~ dd is fine. She used to "hang" onto my leg and when I'd run out of the room she would turn around and give me a little CHEEZY smile so I know she was trying too pull one over on mom.

DD's has a few "mean" ones in her class and when she points them out to me I whisper in her ear too stay away from them "if possible". I also do "pinky" love and tell her that I will be back to get her right after lunch and everytime I pick her up right after lunch she's just "glowing" and gives me a big 'ole hug & smile of course, I can't get her out of her room when I pick her up.