Unexpectedly fouund de twins siblings in the same small town.

[daisygirl11]

Hello,

Its been awhile since I posted but here is a brief backround of our treatment. We have b/g 4 year old twins and did not disclose treatment. All of our good friends and family just think we needed some help from a fertility doctor.

Our twins were about 2 when we had an inkling that some good friends of ours had used the same donor. This couple is of a different race than ourselves and have three children. Her sister in law did tell me they did use the same fertility re that I used but didn't want anyone to know. All the while I kept my mouth shut and had many micarriages while trying with my own eggs. One aftenoon she told me of a donor program as I sat in her living room holding her newborn.. She said the compensation was only 3K and really knew quite a bit about a program. She brought it up and it was a very strange conversation. I know nothing at all about this and about three months later we chose a blonde /blue eyed donor that closely resmebled myself according to my re. We had a set of b'g twins and am so very happy. 2 years pass and our little girls got together and the resemblance is unreal. They both have the same hair and eye color. The mother has slowley stopped all contact, moved her kids out of the same preschool, never email me and cut herself out of our lives. They moved to the same town and we never even see them. Before we talked weekly and had dinner monthly on double dates with our husbands. I even asked the re who used to work at this clinic point blank and he said if you get a "hot" donor who produces pregnancies she gets used alot. He even said boy its a small world out there. Well bottom line is I miss the friendship we had. I don't care what they did or we did to creat our family and am just happy to have children. She seems visibly shaken when we run into them. Last time her husband even said if front of my husband "why haven't we gotten together with the ****'s. We are both devout Catholics and I just feel blessed. I think she is humiliated that we figured it out she lied to us all those nights we went out and she was able to have two children in 3 years in her early 40's with ease. She even told me to try the "fertility diet" and pray. I pray I prayed alot but never lied about needing help its a tragedy she felt needing fertility treatment was so shameful. Should I try to keep the friendship going? I am not interested in ever talking about our journey. I wish she could just move on.

[BC-CrystalAZ]

Wow. That's crazy.

I don't think you are going to be able to move forward unless you have an honest discussion with her about it. Because she's going to keep avoiding you.

If she's a good friend, you should be able to talk to her about this.

It all depends on how badly you want to keep her friendship.

[KimAtFertilityAuthority]

Wow, what a crazy coincidence. I guess you could make another attempt to contact her and if she acts weird, just ask her what's going on and try to open the conversation that way. If that doesn't work, I'd say (sadly) to let her go.

Good luck!

Kim

[daisygirl11]

Thanks Crystal and Kim

I know it's shocking . Our husbands are even colleagues. Thanks for feedback I hope some others chime in. Wish u both the best.

[Adrienne]

That is a tough one. Take some time to really think about that friendship and if you want her friendship or if you are hoping there can be some sort of connection between the twins. She just might not be comfortable with even the idea that someone might know her "secret" and you can't force a friendship.

[daisygirl11]

Adrienne

That is very good adviceI really appreciate all the feedback and hope others chime in. This brings great sadness to our hearts. I am going to try this week to reach out again and invite all the kids over for a playdate. I am not really deadset on any connection with the twins and their two or even three children. I will never talk about it or push anything. I just miss the friendship we had. Its so shocking that someone would choose the exact opposite in a donor of a different race to have children. Especially since she waited so long to find another cuban husband. They are a lovely couple but why not choose someone like the mother? This is neither here nor there but still surprising and really not important. The children are all gifts.

[Rachell]

Congratulatios on your twins Daisy! I'm sure that you never get tired of hearing that What a beautiful blessing that comes w/a few challenges.

"When" we are successful ...I don't think that we will tell our baby about DE. It's a tough decision, but as different factors come into play you have to figure it out as you go along I guess. One of my biggest concerns about DE was that our clinic is close by and I know many women that use it in the area...so...I was worried about half siblings and the potential of them meeting...possibly dating!! I know that it's a little far fetched, but w/all the unknowns it certainly brings about unique sets of concerns. Maybe not so unique these days w/all the DE/DS going on!!

I don't blame your friend for retreating. I probably would have done the same thing at first. Unfortunately there can be fears involved when doing DE. I have accepted using De, yet I'm so afraid of losing some sort of connection w/the baby if we decide to tell them ("when" we have baby ). I hope that someday I am completely ok and open about it, but as for now I don't really want anyone to know except a few gals I know that have also done DE. You are certainly in a tough position!! I would definitely try to talk to her. Maybe try to get her to open up. I'm sure she's afraid of you wanting more than you do. Once you share that child is from DE, you can't take that info back and it's out of your hands and it's tough to trust others w/that information. Maybe you could talk about it, w/o being specific, so it's still left a little vague?? I've kind of done that w/my best friend. She probably knows, but she doesn't know for sure!!

Anyway, I found your story very interesting and I'm sorry that your friend has pulled back. I'm sure she is afraid of what the future holds if you all are "too close" like what if her daughter looks at your kids and says "why do I look like them and not you?" I think it all comes down to fear of loss of love somehow. Which is sad when you could all have great friendships.

Enough babbling from me...good luck!!

[pehl526]

Congrats on your twins.
I guess this is the chance you take when using clinic that using the same donor over and over and over. Your twins might have half sisters all over your town. Just like the RE said, if the donor produces pregnancy she is going to be used over and over.

Maybe she doesn't want her kids to think they have siblings out in the world.

[daisygirl11]

Rachell and pehi

We were invited to our friends daughters 4th birthday party and it was a nice afternoon. The funny thing is that she has really cut her hair so short that they no longer share that uncanny resemblance. Our daughter has really long curly blonde hair and blue eyes. She has shorter blondish hair and blueISH yes. Its been awhile since I've seen them. The mom kept snapping pictures which made me a little uncomfortable.

I did approach her at the grocery store and said Hey are we OK. I never see, email or talk to you anymore? She has been keeping in touch since.

Its ok and it really doesn't matter we will never discuss this and bury it. You ladies are right there is always a possibility of this happening. Especially with a star donor.