Single friend asks my boyfriend for sperm/shared parenting?

heymisslou · 08-12-2009, 11:18 AM

My boyfriend and I were recently approached by his 43 year old single friend of 14 years, asking if he would be willing to donate his sperm and be a co-parent. She is saying the extent of parenting is up to us, but does want us involved. I am aware of the legalities, but wondering emotionally what people may have gone through and also input. Thanks so much!

**BC-donor** · 08-24-2009, 05:50 PM

Oh gosh!!! I don't even know what I would think about something like that???? It must have been incredibly difficult for her to ask your boyfriend to donate but there are lots of things for you guys to think about.

I've never been through anything like that before, nor do I know anyone who has been in the situation.

Have you guys come up with any ideas?

Keep us posted!

CrystalAZ · 08-25-2009, 12:46 PM

I think it is hard enough having two parents agree how to parent a child, much less THREE!

What if there were disagreements? Would her opinion prevail in all situations?

What if they got into an argument and dissolved their friendship? Would there be a custody agreement in place?

What if you and your bf got married? Would you be a "step mom" even though you'd be in the child's life from the beginning?

IMO, this situation is just TOOOO sticky. Especially when sperm banks are so readily accessible and affordable. I would encourage your boyfriend to go with her to the sperm bank and help her choose a donor and hold her hand through the process, but I wouldn't do what she proposed.

Crystal

heymisslou · 08-28-2009, 12:53 PM

Well the news on my front is he has decided to go froward with the donation/father role despite my serious negative feelings on the situation.

There are good and bad to this situation. For him he gets the benefit of having a child and being partially involved without having a full time child, because we do not want children. That I think is the biggest appeal for him, but she does get the final say in everything and she will have to be the one dealing with the child and it's wants and needs when we are not around. She does have a similar idea on how to raise children but my concern is people change when the kid is actually involved, which is a point I am not heard on very clearly. For her she is getting support and a great dad without being in a relationship and she gets the final say, so I see why she chose him.

The disagreement situation is an interesting one because they have been friends for so long they both feel it is going to be great. There is a chance of hurt feelings or disappointment because she says she is not obligating him to anything, we get a say of how much involvement we want. I am hoping that is true and she has no unsaid desires. He has no intention of being involved with the baby stage. And more of an uncle role when the child is older. So as a single mother she is going to have to use her resources and deal with that. So I am hoping things will be ok but he does want rights if she passes, so he is not going through a clinic. So keep your fingers crossed that all will be ok. As for me I am very angry at both of them so it is a sticky situation for me because I am not going into this excited and frankly just hoping she does not get pregnant, which is not a great place for me to be. I was very excited for her when she was going the donor facility route. Not interested in an intrusion on my relationship. And I feel for her and the kid when he asks for daddy and we are not going to be around? I feel this may really end up hurting the kid more then the straight donor route because it will know daddy but we probably will not be around as much as the child would want.

So she will be coming next week for the first round. So we will see, I am making and appointment with a family therapist to help sort out my feelings on this. So I will keep you posted on how it goes.

Thanks for the support!

diamond · 08-28-2009, 12:59 PM

Ok if he is not going through a clinic. I guess that means he is going to have intercourse with her. Also just because she says one thing doesn't mean those things won't change. She very likely could ask for Child Support and would get it. Personally, I would never do that.

heymisslou · 08-28-2009, 01:18 PM

The good news is he will not be having sex with her, neither of us would be ok with that. He will more or less ejaculate in a cup and give it to her and she will do her thing. Believe me I am not interested in the this situation but I am in a hard place because we have a great relationship and I have not decided if this is a deal breaker yet, it all depends on them.

diamond · 08-28-2009, 01:31 PM

So I guess she is going to do the turkey baster thing. If he fathers this child anything could happen and you should be prepared for that. What is she becomes unemployed, how will she support this child etc etc. And even if she has an agreement with him and later decides to void it. Your BF will have no decision in rather he pays Child support etc etc. A judge will decide all of that.

CrystalAZ · 08-31-2009, 03:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by diamond

Your BF will have no decision in whether he pays Child support etc etc. A judge will decide all of that.

This is a HUGE consideration in this situation. She can come after him for child support.

Crystal

Mom_2_One · 08-31-2009, 10:24 AM

As a woman looking for a known egg donor, I can understand your friend's desire to have a child and have some involvement with the donor. I would want my child born via egg donation to have some knowledge of his or her genetic parent. I think that the first thing your boyfriend and the the woman who is asking (the recipeint) needs to do is seek psychological couseling. The issues you raise would need to be openly discussed in the presence of a unbiased professional. Also, a legal agreement would need to be drafted that would clearly define the rights, priviledges and repsonsibilities of each party. I think that if your BF has a willing spirt, then it is a beautful thing that he can do for his friend.

I am actually speaking with my first cousin now about becoming my egg donor. I really want any possible child that I have to have a sense of where here and she came from. I would want my counsin to be my child's "God parent", but would NEVER want or expect her to support my child financially or otherwise. It would be MY child and My responsibility along with MY partner; not my donor.
Good luck

P.S. I have a friend whoes husband has a zero sperm count. If they asked my husband to donate, I would hope that my husband would be willing to help them. I understand the motivation for wanting to use a known donor.

08-12-2009, 11:18 AM	#1 (permalink)
heymisslou 0-99 post 2 of hearts Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: California Posts: 3	Single friend asks my boyfriend for sperm/shared parenting? My boyfriend and I were recently approached by his 43 year old single friend of 14 years, asking if he would be willing to donate his sperm and be a co-parent. She is saying the extent of parenting is up to us, but does want us involved. I am aware of the legalities, but wondering emotionally what people may have gone through and also input. Thanks so much!

08-24-2009, 05:50 PM	#2 (permalink)
BC-donor 500-599 post 7 of hearts Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 587	Oh gosh!!! I don't even know what I would think about something like that???? It must have been incredibly difficult for her to ask your boyfriend to donate but there are lots of things for you guys to think about. I've never been through anything like that before, nor do I know anyone who has been in the situation. Have you guys come up with any ideas? Keep us posted! __________________ Multiple DE cycles, finally successful

08-31-2009, 10:24 AM	#9 (permalink)
Mom_2_One 100-199 post 3 of hearts Join Date: May 2008 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 173	As a woman looking for a known egg donor, I can understand your friend's desire to have a child and have some involvement with the donor. I would want my child born via egg donation to have some knowledge of his or her genetic parent. I think that the first thing your boyfriend and the the woman who is asking (the recipeint) needs to do is seek psychological couseling. The issues you raise would need to be openly discussed in the presence of a unbiased professional. Also, a legal agreement would need to be drafted that would clearly define the rights, priviledges and repsonsibilities of each party. I think that if your BF has a willing spirt, then it is a beautful thing that he can do for his friend. I am actually speaking with my first cousin now about becoming my egg donor. I really want any possible child that I have to have a sense of where here and she came from. I would want my counsin to be my child's "God parent", but would NEVER want or expect her to support my child financially or otherwise. It would be MY child and My responsibility along with MY partner; not my donor. Good luck P.S. I have a friend whoes husband has a zero sperm count. If they asked my husband to donate, I would hope that my husband would be willing to help them. I understand the motivation for wanting to use a known donor. __________________ Me 43 DH 40 DD 01-15-05 6 angles (05/2007-12/2008); natually concieved IVF#1 04-2009; BFN FET#1 06-24-09; Beta 07-03-09;BFN First DE-IVF cycle (transfer @ 11-23-09) Last edited by Mom_2_One; 08-31-2009 at 10:27 AM.

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08-25-2009, 12:46 PM	#3 (permalink)
CrystalAZ 10000-15000 post ace of hearts Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Phoenix AZ & Flagstaff, AZ Posts: 10,835 Blog Entries: 455	I think it is hard enough having two parents agree how to parent a child, much less THREE! What if there were disagreements? Would her opinion prevail in all situations? What if they got into an argument and dissolved their friendship? Would there be a custody agreement in place? What if you and your bf got married? Would you be a "step mom" even though you'd be in the child's life from the beginning? IMO, this situation is just TOOOO sticky. Especially when sperm banks are so readily accessible and affordable. I would encourage your boyfriend to go with her to the sperm bank and help her choose a donor and hold her hand through the process, but I wouldn't do what she proposed. Crystal

08-28-2009, 12:53 PM	#4 (permalink)
heymisslou 0-99 post 2 of hearts Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: California Posts: 3	Well the news on my front is he has decided to go froward with the donation/father role despite my serious negative feelings on the situation. There are good and bad to this situation. For him he gets the benefit of having a child and being partially involved without having a full time child, because we do not want children. That I think is the biggest appeal for him, but she does get the final say in everything and she will have to be the one dealing with the child and it's wants and needs when we are not around. She does have a similar idea on how to raise children but my concern is people change when the kid is actually involved, which is a point I am not heard on very clearly. For her she is getting support and a great dad without being in a relationship and she gets the final say, so I see why she chose him. The disagreement situation is an interesting one because they have been friends for so long they both feel it is going to be great. There is a chance of hurt feelings or disappointment because she says she is not obligating him to anything, we get a say of how much involvement we want. I am hoping that is true and she has no unsaid desires. He has no intention of being involved with the baby stage. And more of an uncle role when the child is older. So as a single mother she is going to have to use her resources and deal with that. So I am hoping things will be ok but he does want rights if she passes, so he is not going through a clinic. So keep your fingers crossed that all will be ok. As for me I am very angry at both of them so it is a sticky situation for me because I am not going into this excited and frankly just hoping she does not get pregnant, which is not a great place for me to be. I was very excited for her when she was going the donor facility route. Not interested in an intrusion on my relationship. And I feel for her and the kid when he asks for daddy and we are not going to be around? I feel this may really end up hurting the kid more then the straight donor route because it will know daddy but we probably will not be around as much as the child would want. So she will be coming next week for the first round. So we will see, I am making and appointment with a family therapist to help sort out my feelings on this. So I will keep you posted on how it goes. Thanks for the support!

08-28-2009, 12:59 PM	#5 (permalink)
diamond 500-599 post 7 of hearts Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: PA Posts: 520	Ok if he is not going through a clinic. I guess that means he is going to have intercourse with her. Also just because she says one thing doesn't mean those things won't change. She very likely could ask for Child Support and would get it. Personally, I would never do that.

08-28-2009, 01:18 PM	#6 (permalink)
heymisslou 0-99 post 2 of hearts Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: California Posts: 3	The good news is he will not be having sex with her, neither of us would be ok with that. He will more or less ejaculate in a cup and give it to her and she will do her thing. Believe me I am not interested in the this situation but I am in a hard place because we have a great relationship and I have not decided if this is a deal breaker yet, it all depends on them.

08-28-2009, 01:31 PM	#7 (permalink)
diamond 500-599 post 7 of hearts Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: PA Posts: 520	So I guess she is going to do the turkey baster thing. If he fathers this child anything could happen and you should be prepared for that. What is she becomes unemployed, how will she support this child etc etc. And even if she has an agreement with him and later decides to void it. Your BF will have no decision in rather he pays Child support etc etc. A judge will decide all of that.