First time donor - nervous!

[bishoujo]

Hi all,

I'm really glad I found this message board because I am about to start a cycle and I'm feeling pretty nervous, and honestly, having second thoughts. This will probably be a long message, so bear with me, but I just want to get my whole story out there.

I'm healthy, 24, and I have a 7 year old daughter. I'm a single mom and full time college student in a very challenging major (I have a part time job too!). My sister first told me about egg donation, and I began to look into it 1 1/2 years ago. I read online basic facts about the procedure and risks and then met with an agency.

About 6 months went by before I was chosen by a very nice couple. They wanted to meet me. I sat down with the prospective parents and we both loved each other, (not that I was choosing them!). They debated for months about what clinic to use, I think the mother-to-be was being very particular, and I can understand why. Over my winter break from college, they were considering flying me to the middle of the country (I am on the East coast) because there was a clinic they liked there. Long story short, in this process of our schedules not being in sync and their being very picky about a clinic, I missed an opportunity with a second couple who was interested in me.

To be perfectly honest, my main motivation for donating originally was to use the money for a summer abroad program that my school runs. After all of this back and forth (countless emails, and phone calls between the parents - facilitated by the agent to protect our identities), they still hadn't made up their minds, and I was passed up by another couple. After all of the time and emotion I had already invested in the first couple, I was feeling pretty fed up. Then out of the blue the agent calls me and says another couple wants me, this was in around April. And it was her opinion that I should take the chance instead of waiting forever for the first couple. I guess after dealing with all that "bull" I had been turned off to the idea, but thought about it and still decided to go forward with the third couple.

I had made it clear since the start that summer was the best time for me to donate with my busy schedule. They chose a clinic about 2 hours from my house (more with traffic). I went there at the end of May, after my semester let out, for my first appointment. I did not receive much information at this first appointment, I would say about the extent of what I learned online. My agent made this process sound like the easiest thing in the world - I told her when I first signed up I have a very demanding schedule and she assured me there would only be a few appointments, and that I just had to be diligent and responsible about getting to those, and that the retrieval is a piece of cake and I could go back to work the next day.

The doctor's office then informed me that I would have to return to their office around 7 more times, and have about 5 more appointments closer to my house. They switched my birth control from the nuva ring to the pill for the month of May (for a reason I still don't understand - if someone knows please tell me!). Originally my retrieval was supposed to occur at the end of June. I formed many plans regarding child care for my daughter and travel plans for the rest of the summer around the expectation that this was the general time of the cycle.

At the beginning of June, when I got my period, they asked me to do a Clomid challenge. I told my agent and she seemed surprised but said every clinic is different... ok fine. I do this clomid challenge and just went back to my day 10 appointment at the clinic yesterday. Low and behold, I had no idea that doing this clomid challenge meant that the entire cycle would be pushed back by a month. No one ever told me that, not the clinic or the agent. In addition, I was told repeatedly that the only injections were the hormones for 10 days right at the end. Yesterday, it was revealed to me that there will also be birth control for a week and luprine for 12 days or so.

What upsets me more than anything is the fact that I feel every time I speak to the agent or the clinic, another part of the process is revealed to me. I had no idea of the full scope of what was required by me and I am concerned that more and more appointments, ect. are being added. I never take any medication, not even aspirin unless I desperately need it, and I am extremely worried about all of the medication. I thought it was 10 days, not 22 days, and all of this new info has my reconsidering this process.

I would feel terrible for the prospective parents, but I feel that the agent was not honest with me at all. The compensation I will be receiving is $8000 plus wages if I miss work for the 2 weeks afterward due to side effects. That's another thing, the agent said I would be better for work the next day, the clinic says I will be ordered to bedrest for 24 hours. The agent tells me the clinic is trying to make sure I understand all possible side-effects for liability issues, but each time I have left there I am in tears, very nervous about all the things they are telling me will happen to my body.

If anyone has any advice for me, especially relating to your specific experiences with the medication and the actual procedure I would appreciate it. Thank you!

[amandabrown23]

Wow I can totally see why you are feeling the way you do. I am still waiting for a couple to pick me but I sure hope I dont have to go through what you are going through. I have never heard of anyone having so many problems. I hope you can work everything out.

[Blossomo]

I wanted to give you the perspective of a recipient parent who is selecting a donor, and also as someone who has been through multiple IVF cycles.

Sounds like you need to do some homework and think this through very carefully. There are a lot of sites that lay out a typical treatment protocol, and whoever led you to believe that it wouldn't be a lot of drugs was smoking crack.

If you are doubtful about putting medications in your body, then this is DEFINITELY NOT for you. And it's a lot of appointments that must be done on certain days, a lot of drugs, a bunch of blood draws, and a bunch of times having your legs up in the air while they grope around your vagina with an ultrasound wand -- hopefully your agency told you all that. You can't have sex during your cycle -- hopefully your agency told you that, too. The drugs may make you moody. Can you give injections to yourself? I can't -- my husband does them for me. If you can't, then you will need to find someone to do this for you every day it is required. Hopefully either the agency or the clinic told you this.

If you're not 100% committed to doing exactly what is asked of you (even if it means having to miss work and school (even finals) and make child care arrangements), then you shouldn't be a donor. I just negotiated my donor contract. It says that if the donor misses her medications or appointments, it's a breach of the contract. Ditto with the retrieval -- if she doesn't do the retrieval on schedule because of scheduling issues that could have been prevented with better planning (work, school, child care), not only will she not be paid, but she will be responsible for all of the parents' expenses (and I'm not sure you know this, but by the end of one donor cycle, the parents probably will have shelled out well over $30K for all of the fees, drugs, and expenses).

You agency should have told you that you are dealing with very emotionally fragile people. There is a good chance that the couple has already failed at several attempts at IVF themselves (at $12-$20K per attempt) and are looking at donation as a remedy of last resort. The couple is likely placing their hopes of having a family on their donor, and they are probably either draining their savings or going into debt to do so. This may sound unfairly harsh to you, but they probably don't care if you're having trouble getting a sitter or having to miss work or an exam. Your fee is as high as it is because there are very rigorous expectations of you. If you're going to do this, be committed. Don't show any sign of doubt or uncertainty or that you will be anything other than 100% reliable and diligent about your drugs and appointments. There are couples who are literally investing their life savings into a donor, and it is not fair to give them anything but your absolute best.

One more thing: if I expressed interest in a donor and she responded with anything that sounded like "you (recipient) have to work around MY (donor's) busy schedule," I would drop her like a hot potato.

I wish you the best of luck in deciding what's best for you.

[carolsue]

The reason too that it is longer than you thought is b/c they have to check you out too and when all the tests are done (making sure you a certain # of antral follicle count) etc then your ovaries have to be supressed hence lupron injections and bcp's, when they know you are, you start taking 8-13 days of stims. When I was trying w/ my own eggs I never had to miss work or anything the day after the retreival, just the day of I was sore. It is a long process but after the initial tests are done it usually goes by quickly. Maybe if it was an anonymous donation it would go by quicker and you wouldn't have to spend so much time meeting prospective recipients, they could look at your profile w/o pictures like a lot of clinics do, that is how mine does it.

I am sorry you are having a hard time, but I can tell you from a recipients point of view, I appreciate what you are trying to do, it is the best gift you could ever give someone, thank you

[Donor 1502]

I replied once to this thread, but my reply seems to have disappeared. If it shows up late, please understand that I'm not crazy! My posts are not sticking.

Anyway, I can understand where you are coming from, OP. If I were you, I would be wondering, "they didn't tell me about the Lupron part, what else are they leaving out?". It sounds like your agency was just trying to suck you in by minimizing the process and being vague. I feel that most of the blame lies with your agent for not educating you.

You will need to be on the pill because the clinic has to synchronize your cycle with your recipient's. You stop taking the pill before you start the actual stimulation. The hormones in your nuva ring suppress ovulation and would interfere with the fertility drugs.

I typically take Lupron for about two to three weeks, from the middle of my pre-donation cycle until the day before my trigger shot. It is a subcutaneous injection (just a little stick, no biggie). I believe that, regardless of their protocol, all egg donors have to take Lupron during their donation cycles. It is an interesting drug, you should google it and read about how it works, especially the side effects.

There are also the stimulation drugs. Egg stimulation occurs for about nine or ten days. I take two stimulation drugs, one in the morning and one in the evening. I have used gonal-f and repronex or menopur for my cycles, but I think there are other drugs on the market that egg donors use. Gonal-f and menopur are given subcutaneously but repronex is injected into the muscle, which means a bigger needle. I prefer menopur over repronex for the obvious reasons, but you'll have to go with what your doctor orders for you. The stim drugs encourage multiple eggs to begin maturing in follicles on your ovaries. So, two stimulation drugs plus your Lupron means three injections daily during the ten days of stimulation. You will also be on a steroid called dexamethasone while you're on Lupron. It is a pill and it helps suppress any androgens your body produces naturally. So that's three injectible synthetic hormones and a steroid. Sounds like a party, right?

During your stimulation phase, you will need to go to your clinic to get an ultrasound and blood drawn at least every other day. They have to monitor your follicle growth and hormone levels very closely. If you get hyperstimulated, it could be very bad for you. I'd say that I usually have about seven appointments from the suppression check to the day before retrieval.

The retrieval is not so bad but after all those fertility drugs and the anesthesia, you aren't going to feel great. I usually feel like death warmed-over for about 48 hours after the retrieval. You won't be able to work out or have sex until your period starts - that's usually about a week to ten days after the retrieval.

For me, the hardest part is stopping my workouts. It's how I deal with stress and taking that away - while adding in those excessive female hormones - makes me irritable. The injections themselves aren't a big deal. I psych myself out and tell myself that if diabetic children can do this, so can I. It might sound strange, but I like being able to give myself injections - I find it to be very empowering.

Did this help? I don't know what you need. Reassurance? More details? Let me know.

[bishoujo]

Thanks so much for the answers, I was afraid no one would respond... my post was so long!

blossomo - I understand completely where you are coming from. You are right, I need to have my heart in this and be 100% committed before I go any further. And it makes perfect sense you would have those clauses in your contract.

I know each set of recipient parents is different, but I guess I found it hard to connect to the third set since I never met them or spoke to them, as compared to the first set that I spoke with regularly for months. I was feeling very passionate about donating to them. I know that's not fair to the last set, but it is how I feel. I do know that they pay a lot of money for this, and they are highly invested emotionally and financially.

The clinic did tell me about abstaining from sex (though that information was mixed, because first I was told not to have sex this month - which is when I did the clomid challenge - even with protection, and then I was told with protection was fine... any which way I am probably just not going to open that can of worms!). And they also told me after the second visit all about the medications, and taught me how to do the injections. This appointment last week was where all of that information was truly revealed to me and it definitely threw me for a loop. I plan on attempting the injection on my own, but if I chicken out my boyfriend or roommate will be able to help me. I was also told I can't drink at all, but I am not sure if that means from now until the procedure, or if that means when I begin my actual cycle. If anyone can clear that up for me that would be great... I do like to have an occasional glass of wine, but not at any risk!

Donor - 1502: "It sounds like your agency was just trying to suck you in by minimizing the process and being vague."

This is EXACTLY how I feel, and it's where my hesitation and second-guessing comes from. I feel kind of violated by the agent, and VERY pressured by her, I hate feeling like that and it makes me anxious about the whole thing. I know this is a business for her, but I don't want to feel "tricked" into doing something, and that is how I feel.

I was told last week that there is a 20% chance I could develop a cyst and the whole cycle would have to be pushed back by another month. This would be disastrous for me because it would bring my cycle into August, and it could conflict with my school schedule. Like blossomo said, they won't care if I have to miss class, but with my major I am really not permitted to miss any, and it could be a major problem for me (potentially setting me back a whole year in school). Which is why I said my only availability is during the summer when I know I can commit myself to the donation. Has anyone had experience with a cyst before a cycle?

Donor 1502, thanks for the advice on the injections, that is a good point about the diabetic children! I was warned about the moodiness and I know I am probably going to be a raging nightmare for my boyfriend, ha, so I warned him too. I felt a decent amount of side effects from the clomid/switching birth control ... emotional, breast tenderness, headaches, hot flashes, abdominal soreness and nausea. It hasn't been horrible, but like I said I don't take much medication and I usually get the minor side-effects listed so I am worried about feeling like garbage for weeks on luprine and fsh.

Overall, I do want to do this! I want to help someone have a child, I know it's a very special thing to do. I am going to talk to my mom and sister and fill them in on the new info I have and see if they agree that I should still go through with it. I do want to, but I want to be brave and sure about it. I guess yes, what I need is reassurance that it's not THAT bad, and it's worth it. Hopefully being a part of this board will help me to have some support along the way!

[Donor 1502]

Bishoujou, it is worth it. It is very rewarding to help an infertile woman become a mother. As a mom, you know what your donation must mean to your recipient. Many women live our early lives with the assumption that we will become mothers one day. As girls we play house or dollies, we babysit the neighbor's kids, and we plan and practice for the day when we will have our own babies. It's just a given in our lives - motherhood is the thing we are always sure of. Infertile women have had that essential dream taken away - you can help give it back.

If you were to ask my advice, I would say that you should go for it and do this donation. You're in your late twenties and you may not have another opportunity to donate eggs later on. It really is a hugely rewarding thing to do. I think that if you don't go through with it, you will be plagued by guilt from backing out on your recipients. The psychologist at my clinic told me that when a donor drops out, it's like her recipient has had another miscarriage. It's another devastating loss on top of a huge heap of past disappointments. You may have a hard time living with hurting someone like that. I'm not trying to put more pressure on you, I'm only attempting to help you envision what will happen if you back out. You may feel badly about this for a long time, and you don't need that ding on your self esteem.

[bishoujo]

Just found out today I won't be given any Lupron

The agent was surprised at the different protocol. The clinic said on Day 3 I will just get started with the stimulation medications. I am really happy because it's less meds, shots and less time until the retrieval! Definitely feeling a lot better with the whole process, and thinking this is a sign that it's not going to be so bad. I think my family will be happy too because my mom was definitely not pleased when I told her it was 22 days of meds instead of 10.

I'm having some tenderness and pain today in the lower abdomin, the nurse told me it may be cause I am probably ovulating and from doing the Clomid in the beginning of the month. Has this happened to anyone? She told me to take some tylenol, but I am feeling worried about the whole twisted ovary thing. I was running around all day yesterday for my daughter's birthday party, and I am trying to take it really easy today.

[CrystalAZ]

Just wanted to let you know that you are doing a great thing, and that even if you aren't feeling connected with the prospective parents, they feel very connected to you. My son is from donor eggs, and I am grateful to her EVERY DAY for doing this selfless and wonderful thing for us.

I hope your cycle is a success and that your couple's dream comes true like ours did.

Crystal

[Donor 1502]

Bishoujou, I'm glad that things are working out the way that you want. You sound very relieved, and the lower your stress level is, the better.

I've never taken Clomid. I don't think you have to worry about twisting an ovary until you start your stims. Torque is a concern when the ovaries grow larger than usual.

Good luck with your cycle.