nervous about consult

[penguinmate]

I meet with my RE for a consult after my last failed IVF cycle on monday the 28th. Part of me really hopes he allows us to move on to donor eggs, but part of me still wishes we could try another round with mine to see if a change in medications would improve my egg quality. I am scared to pay all the money for a cycle just to find out that "yes, my eggs are still very poor quality, and no we have nothing good to transfer." But, what if it was just the medication protocol? WHat if I have a chance? My RE last told me that the poor quality was probably due to an infection, or genetics, so maybe I am just grasping for hope. I really don't mind using donor eggs and actually am excited to pick a donor, but I don't want to always wonder what could have been if we had tried. My DH said the RE better have a good argument on why we should use my eggs again; my DH rather just move on even though it was only our 1st round of IVF. . . I guess I shouldn't worry and I should just wait to see what my RE says. I just needed to vent my worries out; I don't know why I am so nervous. No I know why I am nervous; I am scared that he will present more unexpected bad news. I know you all have been through it; I know you all have been here many times. Thanks for listening.

[rjc0704]

Pen - What you are feeling is perfectly normal. I've gone through the same thing and have the same What if's. After difficulty conceiving and several early miscarriages, I went through all the tests and they said I had age-related fertility issues, probably my eggs were just a little too hard/old, as my hormones were normal and my follicle cout was 14. So, they suggested IVF. I did my own cycle two years ago and it was cancelled for poor response. I only produced about 7 follicles-2 mature eggs. I immediately got the donor egg speach and was in total shock.

I read up on over suppression and it seemed to be the case since I had a great follicle count prior to suppression and my hormones are still decent. Unfortunately, we didn't have the $$ to try and try again. Because I was over 38 I didn't qualify for any money-back guarentee plans, accept for donor IVF, we eventually after much careful thought, decided on DE. Despite being excited and finally, hopeful again, I still have a little tinge of the what if, but I also know we don't have the resources to try and try again and I know that the success rates are much higher with donor than someone my age.(42) Ultimately, for us, it came down to picking the route with the best success rate. But I still greive the loss of my DNA.

You seem excited to be considering DE. All I can really say is that if you make a decision to take that route, perhaps like with me, all the hope and excitement it gives you will fade out most of the what ifs

I was right where you are at just a few months ago. I will be starting my 1st DE cycle next month thanks to the help and support from this site. I strongly encourage you to jump on the HARD TO WAIT thead. Everyone is so welcoming and it's a great source for support/information/questions, etc. There are many ladies in various stages of this rocky road....from trying to decide to do DE to those who are cycling and many who have recently gotten BFPs

Good luck in your decision.

Rhonda

[penguinmate]

Rhonda,
Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. I really needed it. It is soooo good to know I am not alone and that many others have been through this before. It seems like many others have done so many cycles before getting to this point; I felt like an odd ball getting to this point so fast. So, It is so encouraging to hear that you are jumping into DE, but that you also mourne the loss of DNA. I'll check out the hard to wait thread. Next month is coming fast! I hope your DE cycle goes well, with also many sticky vibes.
THanks again! Let me know how everything is going.
Jennifer

[rjc0704]

Jenn - Oh most of us feel so alone until we join this board. Seems preg women and children are everywhere. I feel I am being haunted sometimes. Not that I would wish it on anyone, but I'm glad there are others who understand the circumstances.

When is your next appt? Are you ttc #1? Just keep in close communication with DH. Let it all out...both of you. That's the most important thing. Things like this can be hell on a relationship if you let it.

Thank you for the well wishes. I sincerely hope you'll join us at Hard to Wait.
Take care and stay in touch.

[penguinmate]

so I think we are going to use DE. I am still kinda in shock. After talking to my RE and weighing financial concerns and the fact that we have no idea if anything we do would ever improve my egg quality, we decided that DE would be the best bet. My DH is loving and supportive but sometimes I wonder if he really gets that although I am excited to try this that it is also really hard to have to use a donor and not my own. I probably need to open up to him more, and use your advice to stay in constant communication with him, as I know he can't read my mind.
We are ttc #1.
So I'll post soon on Hard to Wait, but I didn't want to squash PB's BFP parade with my intro--she deserves much congrats for her news.

[rjc0704]

Jenn - No worries, the more the merrier. Please join us when your comfortable. It makes us feel good to help one another out.

So you met with your RE? Overwhelming, I know! I'm sure your excited, but grieving at the same time. It's so messed up, isn't it?? There are so many things to consider and emotions to manage with DE, outside the grieving your DNA loss and also financial implications.

Does your clinic have a counseler and have you spoken with him/her (you and DH)? I hope that will be your next move if you haven't done so. My DH is adopted so over the year of deciding to do DE, we discussed everything we could imagine, but counseling still helped. My biggest fear was making the right decision about telling/not telling, when/who. (Since my DH found out from someone other than his parents, I was terrfied and confused about doing the right thing.) Counseling really gave us insights into many difficult decisions we face.


Take care!

Rhonda

[penguinmate]

We haven't gotten to speak to the counsler they have related to the clinic. I was kinda hoping my RE would suggest that but I acted like everything was great. In fact when my RE walked in for the consult, he asked how we were and I said, "good, how are you." He made a concerned face and said, "Well, you can't be fine; your not pregnant." I said, yeah, well there is that. He also seemed to be trying to get us to open up but I did not take the bait (I did not realize it at the time). He said "no one wants to go through this, everyone wants to use thier own eggs. You two have already been through more than you would want to do, with medical procedures instead of concieving naturally." I just nodded my head. I am so bad at talking to people about how I really feel. I want to be strong and act like everything is fine--I really hate crying in front of people. I can write, and write, and write about it (as evidenced here), but if you were to call me; I would say I am fine. Perhaps there is enough right there besides all the DE issues to talk to a counsler anyway--lol. Sorry for the long explanation. I just feel so blah today; I really don't know how I feel about the whole DE thing.

[rjc0704]

Jenn - Wow, you are so fortunate to have an RE take the time to try to get you to open up. My one and only IVF cycle, I met my RE like 5 times and he didn't even know my name. Yale was like herding cattle, just another number. RE was all business. He wanted to do a 2nd cycle, but when I spoke to him about oversuppression, he said he wouldn't change the suppression protocol. We decided then not to waste our money.

I'm the same way about opening up. I'll smile all day long, but I can be so depressed inside. Seems most people don't want to hear the truth anyway. As long as you and DH are talking about it and he is patient while you process all this stuff, you'll be ok. I always told my DH what difference does it make to talk to someone, b/c it doesn't change anything. But if you find the right person, it really helps. I hope you will seek a counseler who specializes in this situation, because they are very caring and sensative to the situation, which helps you to open up. The blahs are far too many in this process. DE isn't for everyone, but if you get to a point where you feel ready to move forward, it does get easier when you focus on the hope and prospects of being a mother. I've been in such a bad depression for the last 3 years, and now it's all given way to hope...though I'm scared to get my hopes up.

You'll get through this. There are some great books, articles, things of that nature that can also help you process everything if it's too hard to talk to someone.

[jennrenew]

Hi girls! Im so glad I came accross this thread.

I am also in the sam situation as you. I did my first IVF cycle and only produced 4 eggs, it failed. My RE told me he coule cut out the lupron and do something differnt but there was no promise that it would change nything. He said if finances weren't an issue he might try that but if so he would suggest donor eggs. I thought about trying one more time with a different protocol and then if I didn't get more follicles then switch it to an IUI. But the meds and all the pre retrieval stuff is still alot of money and donor eggs are alot of money and I didn't want that money to go to waste when it could be going to the donor eggs just for one last try with not much hope. So, I found a donor that I think is perfect. I have alot of anxiety, not being able to fall asleep at night...I am also upset that I can't use my eggs but also feeling very hopeful about finally getting pregnant and having a baby. I am worried about whether I will feel weird about having another womans baby inside me. I do think that once I see that sweet little baby in my arms who is finally mine, I will feel nothing but blessed. Its definately not easy but I think having a baby this way is more important to me because the depression of not getting pregnant or not having one at all is sooo much worse than the loss of my DNA.
Rhonda- I think counseling for us is important, I will look into that.
Jenn- Im glad to know that I am not alone either!

[penguinmate]

RCJ and Jenn--Thank you so very much for your responses!! I am so glad to be able to discuss with others that are in the same boat. I'll look into seeing the counselor and in the mean time will make a time and date to discuss all this stuff with my DH. Jenn--I am so glad you posted--I agree that while right now I am kinda mourning not being able to use my eggs that the first time I get to feel a fetal kick or when I finally get to hold my own baby--the DNA think will not matter at all.
On a funny note, I have found that through this whole think whenever someone mentions eggs, I think of ovums and not chicken eggs (I have IF stuff on the brain!).
How hard was it to pick a donor? I am so indecisive that I have a hard time even trying to choose which resteraunt to go to for dinner (not that we can afford that anymore--lol). Truthfully, part of me thinks it kinda sounds fun getting to pick, and part of me wants to throw the list and say "why not Me?" But. I know once we get to that point of choosing, it will be more exciting. THanks again girls, you are awesome!!!