New to Board, Introducing myself (m/c SIF, DE & Adoption mentioned)

[mom21girl]

Hello,

I'm new to your board and wanted to introduce myself. I actually also posted on the SIF board as well, prior to realizing this board existed.

I too have coped with SF. My DD is 10. I m/c is 1996, DD was born in 1998 and then I m/c again in 2002. I m/c'd when my DD was 4. My DD new that I was pregnant, we thought I was at the 12 week point when we told her and I'll never forget picking her up from day camp after my 12 week appointment when I found out there was no heart beat. She cried, "but I wanted to be a big sister." It broke my heart and it still does. She now likes being an "only" because she says she likes getting all of the attention, but when she found out that my SIL was having a second she was disappointed that her cousin wasn't going to be an only also.

My husband was content with one, although he never really voiced that and is also always concerned about money, so at one point, I, in a very "martyrish way," said well maybe we should only have one, then and I tried very hard to feel comfortable with that. I would have loved him to say, no, no we'll keep on trying, but that didn't happen and when it comes to spending money on anything, I have to initiate it because he's so fearful about it. As soon as he got a promotion, I started talking about TTC again.

I waited almost a year, though and took a job that I absolutely hated, put my DD in part-time daycare after half-day preschool, used my lunch hour to pick her up and then dropped her off at her day care provider during my lunch hour, and then went back to work. To give you an idea of how bad this job was, on 9/11, after picking my DD up from her daycare--she was there all day, because she didn't have school that day and picking DH up from the train, because he left early due to all the chaos, my boss wouldn't let me leave until 3 p.m!

Anyway, this sounds like ancient history, since it's now 6 years later, but I can't get past wanting another child even after so long. I've tried so hard to be content with my one child. She is truly my miracle and she is such an amazing child. I always say that if I could only have one, I got it all in this one child. BUT, EVERYONE in my family has at least two children. My sister was going through SIF too, she had 4 m/c's I think, but she's younger than me. She tried accupuncture and herbs but wasn't kind enough to share that with me while she was ttc, because she's competitive and didn't want me to conceive before she did (of course we've never discussed this, but it's a given--we're not close). I did subsequently try IVF, which became a cancelled IUI and then a couple of years later, when I found out another center now took my insurance, changed to them and finally did an IUI, but it failed. At the time I was 43 and very frightened by the statistics presented to me regarding birth defects and if I could even carry a baby to term, so we stopped. It's been about 2 1/2 years since then and I still mourn my m/c and my lost chances every day.

It's just so hard to see other family members getting pregnant with their second child. I'm so sad. I wish that even though my husband and I were struggling financially at the time that we just "went for it" anyway and kept on trying. I'm a "pleaser" though and to try to relieve his stress over money, I sacrificed my own desires and he's just not one to say, "hey lets just go for it, we'll figure out a way."

Now, newly 46, adoption or DE are my only options and financially, I don't know how we can swing it. DH definitely says we can't swing it. I've thought about talking to our financial planner about it, but what's they use?

My fertility center works with a bank that offers medical loans. If we could even qualify, a 7 year loan would be over 10%. I don't know how we can pay our mortgage, pay school loan, pay for a Bat Mitzvah in 3 years (we'll need to get a loan for that) and finance adoption or DE on my husband's salary, since it bearly covers us now. I do freelance editing work, but it's not consistant.

So, realistically, it doesn't make sense to persue either option. So, why can't I just give this up? Why can't I just be happy with the one amazing child that I have?

I just feel like I'm so sad and angry all the time and I feel like I take it out on my daughter and my DH at times. I try not to be angry at him. We've both made mistakes with lack of communication and my trying to make him happy at my own expense, but how do I get through this?

Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions of how to get through this?

Thanks!

[EbonyPrncess1]

mom21girl-


I totally understand what you are experiencing right now, and its completely normal. We as women are such nuturers, and once we get that yearning its very hard to ignore.

I was diagnose with IF when I was 25yrs old and married to my first husband. Because he was afraid to face his fears about IF he never wanted to really discuss it, only just to say "we can't afford it". I went into a deep depression because I so badly wanted to be a mother and I thought that he would want to be a Dad just as much. I do believe he wanted children, he was just afraid to even look into the ivf process. So there I sat, sad and constantly crying behind closed doors, in my car, in the shower. It was never ending.

It wasn't until I found my new husband, I am now 32, that I decided to stop crying and really do something about it. I looked into our insurance to see what was available, I looked into loans, 401K options, I even considered borrowing from relatives. At that point I new I was going to make my dream a reality.

I started ivf last year with my own eggs and was not successful. I am now smack dead in the middle of my first DE cycle and DH and I are very excited about it.

I say all this to say....where there's a will, there's a way. Look into EVERYTHING!!! Also, look into the Capital One Healthcare loan. They have very low rates, there were no documents needed, and we were approved in less than 15 minutes online. Also see if your local RE Clinics have a Shared Risk program. That saves you SOOOO much money!!

Try discussing with your DH how you are feeling emotionally on a day to day basis, and also discuss how he is feeling.

The worst thing, in my opinion, that you can do is let this fester within. If you want a baby, it can happen for you Mom21girl. I know time is an issue for you so get started on researching now. Feel free to message me if you have anyquestions that I can answer.

Best of Luck,
EP

[mom21girl]

EP,

Thanks so much for your reply. It helped a lot to read what you went through.

I guess I'm equally paralyzed by this so he and I are both kind of stuck.

I looked into the Capital One program and for a 7 year loan it would be about 10% to pay back. I doubt we could pay it back sooner with our other expenses, but I'll speak to our friend who is our financial advisor and see what he can suggest.

You're right, where there's a will there's a way and if I don't look into all options I'm going to be kicking myself for the rest of my life.

Thanks.

[CMorrison]

mom21girl- Welcome! I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. It really makes me sad that something like money can keep us from expanding our families, it just doesn't seem right. FWIW while we were trying for our first at one point the only option presented to us was IVF with ICSI. The problem was that we would have to go to the US to get it done and as a result would have to pay for everything out of pocket. We decided at that time not to pursue it and focus on adoption since the cost of IVF was just so much and there was no guarantee in the end that it would even work while with adoption we would know for sure in the end we would have a child. Just something to consider. I hope you can find a way to fullfill your dream and expand your family.

[mom21girl]

CMorrison,

Thanks so much for responding. How was the adoption process for you? Did it take you a very long time to get a referral (is that the right terminology?) from the time you started? Were you able to adopt domestically within Canada or did you do an international adoption?

I guess my frustration with everything is the money, as you mentioned--it just doesn't seem right, somehow, that it is so financially difficult to afford Assisted Reproduction, DE and adoption, and the fact that in my case, I don't want to wait 2-3 years for a baby.

It's all just so frustrating. Ah well, that's just a vent. Sorry about that!

[CMorrison]

mom21girl- We completed the home study and had all our paperwork done which took about 4-5 months. We decided to continue with IF treatments and switched to IUI with donor sperm and we finally got a preg that stuck and I now have a dd from that. So we never actually went through with the adoption but had I had a m/c with donor than we would have moved on to an international adoption through Korea and at that time the wait was about 9 months. Have you made any decisions yet on which path you will take. I understand that feeling of not wanting to wait years and years to have your next child. I also understand needing to vent so please feel free to do it anytime!