DI trying to make the descision - any thoughts please

[Florian]

Dear Anyone Reading, Any constructive thoughts, especially if having been in a similar position, would be really valued.

My wife and I are trying to decide whether to proceed with DI.

When we first were suddenly faced with DI as an option a few years ago neither felt able to consider it.

Now it seems like a good alternative especially when there are so few options for us.

My stumbling block is mostly that; for us can it be right to address our problem of infertility in a way that may create such potential difficulty for a child in terms of complicating their life and bringing the complex and possibly painful dimension of having a donor father?

If this was unlikely consequence or a small issue then perhaps it could be weighed in the balance against other factors. As it is a predictable and potentially major enduring issue that may cause substantial difficulty and distress I feel uneasy about this.

It seems to me that anyone wanting children by whatever means has the same motive. Driven by a powerful innate desire but ultimately for reasons of self interest and not primarily and initially for the benefit of the child.

Is DI any different from bringing a child into the world where the situation for them will not be straightforward as it is in general terms a good and natural thing to want and never without risk to the welfare of family and child?

The main difference seems to be the intention. The infertile have to make positive decisions and take responsibility with the foreknowledge that the child will have complex beginnings which they will have to accommodate and process. Those considering adoption are assisting after the situation or complexity of disrupting the initial family structure has happened. The fertile can feel that they do what is good and natural and cope with the consequences if not ideal to the child.

For us having lived painfully without children for 5 years the negative consequences to us and those around us are significant. Can we put our possible improvement in welfare above the possible detriment to the child that might be born?

Thank you to anyone who feels able to contribute here.

Florian

[rjc0704]

Florian -

I'm so sorry you and DW are faced with this this difficult decision. In our situation, we have to persue donor egg. However, my DH is an adopted child and he has brought alot of perspective into helping us make what we feel is the best decision for us. I have had the EXACT fears you have. I felt maybe I was being selfish and how this might really hurt the child. And if my DH was not adopted and shared his feelings and experiences, I may have decided against it.

My DH was told about his adoption in 5th grade. He is very grateful for the parents he has and that he had a decent home. He feels they are his parents in every sense of the word. He says it's not about who you came from, it's about love, family, memories, parenting and the home you had. We both know we will be the best parents we can be and our child will be safe, nurtured, and know he/she is loved. That's all a child wants aand needs.

I have my biological parents. My childhood was more disfunctional, painful and cruel than his was. He had a happier childhood than I did. My parents divorced and my siblings kept running away and it was too much on my mother so we lived with my dad. I was taken from my nuturing mother into a household with a drug-addicted, abusive step mom. My father wasn't even aroung much. He basically abandoned me. I had a better relationship with my mother's 2nd husband. He was more of a father than my own.

The point is, it's all about the love you have to give. That's what a child needs. DNA is not going to make a difference in the long run. It didn't for my DH. Yes, perhaps a little curiousity about his biological parents, but that's it.

And DI is even more special than adoption. Once in awhile you will see some debates on whether to tell or not to tell. I've read some posts from teens and others who have inspired those seeking a donor. They are amazing and supportive and kind to us. They are grateful their parents told them and they love their parents just as much and even more because they wouldn't have been born without them. So don't question if that child is going to be hurt or even if he or she will love either of you less for bringing him/her into the world.

I can say it took more than a year to make our decision. It's a difficult process. I went throught it all; denial, anger, pleading,grieving my loss, to acceptance. Please talk to a social worker at your clinic. That's what they are there for and they are very supportive. It's nothing to be afraid of, you will feel SO MUCH BETTER. And IFyou decide to to persue this...my friend, the pain, depression, guilt, shame, helplessness, loniless...all melts away to a hope you probably haven't felt in a long time.

I pray you will make your decision based on the type of parents you know you'll be and all the love you have to give.

Best wishes for you and DW

Rhonda

[CMorrison]

We have a dd already using DI and are now in the process of trying or a 2nd child. For me I don't think it was a hard decision because I knew dh and I would be good parents and would provide not only financially but also emotionally for a child. I do worry about the day that we will have to tell our child or children about using a donor but I hope by then we will have created a confident child that feels so loved that it will not matter to her. We did go to counseling with a psychologist who specializes in IF issues and has worked with children conceived via DI and she had very positive things to say. It is a very difficult and personal decision. I hope you can find the right answer for you.

[Florian]

Dear Rhonda, Very many thanks for your personal experience and considered reply. It is hard to get information about peoples experiences and I really appreciate you writing in the way that you have. Best wishes, Florian

[Florian]

Dear Chantal, Many thanks for your helpful reply, Best wishes, Florian

[BC-MAV]

WE did donor egg and I think any child would feel loved knowing that their parents tried so hard to have them. I think it would be easy for a child to accept that another person helped you to have them whether it be donor eggs or donor sperm. We had to use a surrogate and DS knows that my "baby sac" was broken so that's why a SM. I like to use the same logic with the donor gametes although we haven't discussed it yet with our 2 year old-LOL! I would just say mommy's eggs weren't ripe so a nice lady offered us her eggs so we could have you. It's simple. There are also books available on how to tell and what age. One is Hope and Will Have a Baby. It is a whole series. I am not sure where the books are available but they were written by someone who went through the process and she is a member of OPTS.. For us after so many failed cycles genetics just didn't seem to matter. Good luck in your journey

[BC-donor]

Welcome! As the others have said, making the decision to use donor gametes is a really big decision & one that we all have questions & fears about. Whether you choose to tell your kids or not how they came to be, it's your love that makes them who they are, NOT where the sperm or egg came from to create them.

We are not telling our kids that we used DE to have them. We don't feel that there is any benefit to telling them because that isn't what makes them who they are, we are the ones who help them become who they are.


Good luck with your decision!